It was a busy night at Yo-Mama's house. The Kiddo had another band concert. Fuck me with the concerts! This child goes to a public high school. It is not private in any way, shape or form. There are probably very few trust fund children in attendance. There are far more trailer parks than mini-mansion subdivisions in our school district. Despite all this, the Kiddo's band program is an overachieving whore. She's all "Hey I know you just dragged your tired asses to a Christmas concert less than two months ago and I know you just made your last bazillion dollar payment on your child's super happy fun time band trip to DisneyWorld and I know you spend several precious hours each week dropping off and waiting in line to pick up your child from his 15 damn trumpet lessons and jazz practices. But guess what! We are having another totally rad concert! And it's tonight! And your kid forgot to tell you about it until 5 minutes before you got home from work! Come on, it's gonna be awesome! Come sit through 2 hours of performances from not just your kid's high school but also the other high school in the school district! That's right, it's two two TWO concerts in ONE!"
I love my kid. I hate his concerts. HAAAAAATE. Except the jazz band concerts, those are pretty swell I must say. But we only get two of those a year. Those two concerts are our very small reward for being the devoted and caring parents that we are who attend the trajillion mind-numbingly boring wind symphony concerts.
So yeah, we were doing that until 9:45pm last night. And then some bad weather blew in and the roommates freaked the f out. And I mean freaked out, as in OHMYGODISTHEREGOINGTOBEATORNADOWHATIFTHEREISONEWHEREDOWEGOIFTHEREISATORNADO AHHHHHH TORNADO!!
Hilarious, my friends. Until Kool Aid told me that her house was destroyed by a tornado when she was 8. Then I felt bad for laughing at her. Okay, I only felt a little bad but I kept laughing. But I only laughed on the inside. Okay, I laughed on the outside. But in the most respectful, sensitive way. Like how you would laugh at a friend who just found out she has genital warts.
So then the tornado siren goes off and Eco Nazi and Kool Aid come running, with Bambi walking slowly behind them. Apparently Bambi is less impressed by the weather. I hand them our giant flashlight and send them into the laundry room because it's close to the interior of the house and has no windows. It also has the litter boxes that I haven't cleaned in 4 days, so I'm sure that was an extra special bonus for them. Meanwhile, the Captain, the Kiddo and I stand in front of the tv and watch the news. We probably should have crawled into the closet under the stairs like we usually do, but I was having too much fun listening to the roommates discuss their escape route should the house implode from the tornado impact. "As long as there are holes between all the wood, we'll be able to crawl out. But if we can't, we can turn on the washer and drink the water until someone saves us."
The sirens turn off about 2 minutes later and the roommates come out from their hidey hole. Eco Nazi then proceeds to play with the flashlight for about 10 minutes....shining it under his chin and say "BWAHAHAHAHA!!!" That dude is hilarious. And when I say he's hilarious, I mean he's a total douche bag.
P.S. Captain Carl is leaving today for his business trip that was cancelled two weeks ago. The roommates will be alone in my house until 5:30pm today and tomorrow. I'm scared. Hold me.
On Becoming My Grandmother
1 month ago