Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Attack Of The Bloody Meat Tube

Reason #43 why it sucks having roommates:

They bought a 5 pound tube of raw hamburger meat, and without wrapping it up in an extra bag, put it on it's end in our refrigerator. Dudes, you totally know where this is going, right?

So the next morning, Captain Carl discovers that there is a pool of meat tube blood in the bottom of the fridge, under the the crisper drawers and all over the shelf above them. I thought the Captain was going to give himself a hernia, he was rigid with fury. And not in a good way either. His face got so red, his head looked like a tick about to pop. And yes, I came up with that line all on my own and no, I did not steal it from A Christmas Story so shut up.

At first we weren't going to clean it...we aren't their housekeepers, yo! But it was 9:30am and when I started thinking about all that blood congealing in there and all the e-coli spreading towards my fresh fruits and vegetables in the crisper while Eco Nazi continued to sleep until 3pm...I couldn't do it. I had to clean that mo fo out. So I pulled every damn thing out, cleaned and sterilized all the surfaces and containers...and then double bagged the offensive meat tube.

Fast forward to 4:30pm. Captain Carl has retreated to his office and I am sitting at the kitchen table paying bills. Eco Nazi and Kool Aid wander downstairs and stare blankly into the refrigerator for about 2 minutes. I can tell their little brains are working real hard-like, trying to figure out why all their stuff is moved around and where their tube-o-bacteria has disappeared to.

Finally, Kool Aid is all "What's in that bag?" so I'm all "It's your meat tube that leaked blood all over my damn refrigerator" and Eco Nazi is all "It did?" and I'm all "Bitch, did I stutter?" and he's all "It shouldn't do that, it's in a plastic tube" and I'm all "Well genius, it did because you didn't put it in a bag and I had to clean the whole fridge out, so thanks a fucking lot for that" and he's all "Huh......sorry" and then I punched him in the trachea with his bloody meat tube and he's all "Gasp!" and I'm all "How's that for irony, sucka?".

So yeah, they decided to put the meat tube in the freezer. Which is totally awesome because no more blood in my fridge and also now I've got a rock-solid frozen meat tube to punch Eco Nazi in the throat with next time.


Kurt said...

I like how you added the "yo". You must have mad street cred. Next time hit 'em in the doudenum. They never expect it. Kachow!

Betsey Booms said...

Kick him in the meat tube.

Ladybug650 said...

Ummm... when I saw the title I thought this post was going in a whooooole different direction. However, you did make me laugh so it's cool. Or should I throw out "kewl" since we're upping our street cred and shit?

Houston said...

Good thing you didn't punch him in the bridge.

You know what, I am going to go drive around in my SUV and hit kittens just to punish Eco-Nazi's Karma!

HappyHourSue said...

What would my butcher say if I asked him for a "meat tube"? Yeah, probably.

As for the frozen weapon, you could kill him, then eat the evidence a la Edgar Allen Poe.

Amy Kate said...

Time for the Jack, Chrissy, and Janet to get their own mini-fridge...Bastards!

Brandy Rose said...

They certainly seem to bring out the violence in you, hehe. :D

Traceytreasure said...

The leaking of the meat tube is something only experienced meat handlers would know about.
I hope they learned how to handle their meat in the future.

He he he he!


Rachel Tamed said...

My ex use to be a tube meat consumer...I never could understand the point. It seemed sort of dirty to me - the whole getting the meat out of the tube fiasco. Thanks for spending two years molesting my spaghetti, doucheburst.

Hopefully your roomies will learn some better taste soon! Or at least clean up their own darn meat juice!

Drew said...

ha ha here's where I buy my "meat tubes"!