Friday, February 6, 2009

You Can't Handle The Flying Bitch Slap!

Remember my New Year's post? The one where I said my resolution was to keep things in perspective and have a better attitude? Yeah, we're not doing that. We're doing this instead.

The Flying Bitch Slap should only be used in moments of extreme duress, bestowed upon only the truest of morons.

Say for's 5:30pm on a Monday. You've just worked a full day and you stop at the grocery store on the way home. There's a lady in line at the checkout in front of you. She keeps running back to the aisles and grabbing more stuff while she waits her turn to pay. She has a cart completely full with Christmas markdowns.... perfume, candy and toys. She makes the cashier check the price of each item, then she contemplates buying each for about 10 seconds and rejects about 1/3 of all the shit she brought up there. She starts making two separate piles of the stuff she is going to buy. The cashier rings up the first pile and she pays with a credit card. Before the cashier can start on the next pile, the lady hands her a $5 bill and asks for ones. You wonder if you would get arrested for whipping a frozen fruit juice can at her head. The cashier starts on the second pile of Britney Spears "Oops I'm Crazy Again" perfume and the Paris Hilton "Skank"cologne. Once she gets the total, the lady pays in cash....and uses the five $1 bills she just asked for from the cashier. It's all you can do not to scream and bash your cart into her, because now she's still standing in front of the cashier, checking her receipts.

Wapow! Flying Bitch Slap.

Or maybe there's this guy at your office. You know that guy? The guy who's in an upper management position? Likes to walk around the cubicles, checking on all his little minions, making sure they're all busy little worker bees? Screams at people because he thinks it makes everyone fear and respect him? Makes dumb decisions and then blames other people for them when the shit hits the fan? Calls the men "babe" and the women "girlfriend"? Makes everyone give him high-fives when they walk by him? Yeah, that guy doesn't wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom. And he just stopped in your cubicle and used your pen.

Aaaand....Flying Bitch Slap.

So tell me....who would you like to use the Flying Bitch Slap on?


Brandy Rose said...

Oh there are just too many to mention.

Cat said...

Oh my god, I HAVE the no-hand-wash motherfucker at my office! AAAA whpsha!

Traceytreasure said...

I swear a customer wiped her nose with a tissue and then asked to use my pen yesterday. I told her to keep it when she was done!

Miss Yvonne, did you know that I'm a cashier? I hope you have more respect for me now!! And, as for "whipping a frozen fruit juice can at her head." I think that's the best idea I've ever heard! I might try it and I'll let you know which jail I'm in!! LOL!! I hope that I can blog from jail. They have computers there, right?


Tasha said...

OMG I can totally relate to both those people! And I laughed out loud at the high five and not washing his hands. eminds me of another flying bitch slap...

When I was in my early 20s, I was a server. Another dude I worked with would come up behind us girls and put his hands over our eyes and say "guess who?". Like we dont know, dipshit.

Anyway, so his hands always smelled like sweaty balls. (GAG!) Get those nasty sausage hands away from my face! So we girls called him "Sweaty Balls" behind his back....still to this day, 10 years later, when talking to my girlfriend (who worked there, too) if I mention Mr. Sweaty Balls she knows who I'm talking about.

Aaaaand a flying bitch slap!

Miss Yvonne said...

Cat: So you feel my pain, no? I hate that guy.

Tracey: Girl, I was a cashier at a grocery store for a couple years and it was all I could do not to bestow the flying bitch slap on a daily basis. I'm sure they do have computers in jail...and private bathrooms with rose scented soap. LOL

Tasha: Your sweaty balls story made me throw up in my mouth a little. Just think...that guy was touching people's straws. Gah!