Finally, Peeing My Pants Has Paid Off

Someone is filming a movie right outside the building I work in. I’m not really sure why here and I’m only partially sure what it’s about. A coming of age story about a little boy who find mischief and fun in his neighborhood blah blah blah Mr. Wilson blah blah blah rip off blah blah blah Dennis the Menace. Something like that.

But that’s not the important part. The important part is that I. AM. ABOUT. TO. BE. FAMOUS. The director has put out a casting call in my building for extras. Which means you are about to see me on the big screen. Or the tv screen. Or ummmm, online. I’m not really sure how big this movie is going to be. Today the director is walking around in the parking lot pointing at businesses and gesturing wildly with a crowd of 15 people and they’re all wearing sunglasses which kind of seems Hollywood-ish, but only one of them is hot and young and the rest are basically boring and kind of overweight and older so maybe this is only going to be a made for tv movie. But who cares because I am all over this shit.

So I went to the production website and it’s all “We will need 300-400 extras for a July 4th celebration scene” and “if interested, please send your name, age, email and general availability”. I worked all night on my resume. I mean, it doesn’t specifically ask for a resume but I figure it’s implied for those with previous acting experience such as myself. So I was all *type type type* and Captain Carl was all “Whatcha doing?” and I was all “Writing my acting resume” and he was all “Gah?” and I was all “For the movie they are filming by my office” and he was all “You’ve never been in a movie” and I was all “I have plenty of acting experience” and he was all “What role are you trying out for?” and I was all “An extra” and he was all “You have to audition to be an extra?” and I was all “Probably. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter because once they see my resume? Blam!” and he was all “Blam?” and I was all “Blam! Front of the crowd extra”.

I think you'll all agree that I'm a shoe in....


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Resume for Miss Yvonne – Actress Not Appreciated In Her Own Time

1977 – Peter Rabbit
Martin Luther Elementary School
Played role of Mother Rabbit in Mrs. Vandervolt’s morning kindergarten class production.
Noteworthy – Managed to completed both lines of dialogue despite having a crush on boy playing Peter Rabbit and peeing pants minutes before the curtain rose.

1986 – America The Prosperous
Roosevelt Middle School
Co-starring role in video on American Capitalism for Mr. Benson’s 6th grade economics lesson.
Noteworthy – Let Nathan Johnson grab boob under costume without anyone noticing.

1991 – Pop Singers
Buffalo Gap High School
Co-starring role in year long production of 50’s and 60’s inspired song and dance routines.
Noteworthy – Totally rocked mall bangs and a spiral perm. Managed to make a tuxedo shirt and ankle length skirt look sexy while pretend surfing to a Beach Boy’s song.

1992 – Santa Lucia Festival
First Lutheran Church
Starring role of Santa Lucia in Christmas pageant.
Noteworthy – Wore a crown of burning candles on head. For reals.

Special skills:
Can kind of play the piano.
Know sweet dance moves such as the Roger Rabbit and the Sprinkler.
Good at reciting hip slang phrases, such as "Oh no you didn't!", "You go girl!" and "Bitch please".
Went to a taping of Charles in Charge once. Waved at Willie Aames. Pretty sure he saw me.
In possession of a blonde 70’s afro wig. Willing to wear it whenever.
Can do that cool Bollywood dancing hand move thingy.
Giant man hands. See above.
Can recite any line from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure upon command.
Strong background in character acting. See below for examples of my work:

Pirate

Drunk Pirate

Fin.

See you on the big/small screen, bitches.

Too Much Sexy

Is it just me, or is that dude in the red bandana super hot?

Me: *blow drying hair* Good morning!

Captain Carl: *blinking* Mmmhhmmm...

Me: Still sleepy?

Captain Carl: *yawning*

Me: Come here, you.

Captain Carl: What?

Me: Just get over here. *slaps ass* You're looking sexy this morning.

Captain Carl: Seriously? *peers at self in mirror* I still have cpap mask marks on my face.

Me: I know. Rawr!

Captain Carl: *staring* Are you okay?

Me: Oh yeah, baby. I'm more than okay. *sexy eyebrow waggle*

Captain Carl: Wait, what day is it?

Me: It's Wednesday. And you know what that means...

Captain Carl: Ummm...

Me: It's time for business time.

Captain Carl: You're quoting Flight of the Conchords? At 6:30 in the morning?

Me: You know it. Check this out. *jumps up and down* Huh? *looks down at chest* Daddy like?

Captain Carl: You got your period this morning, didn't you.

Me: *stops jumping* No.

Captain Carl: Yes.

Me: Did not!

Captain Carl: You did. I know because you always get horny when it starts.

Me: What? Shut up, I do not.

Captain Carl: *raises eyebrows*

Me: Fine. Whatever. You just killed my sex buzz.

Captain Carl: Every month.

Me: Blah blah blah. Go away, buzz killer.

Captain Carl: I'll make you a smoothie for breakfast.

Me: Could you do it shirtless?

Captain Carl: No.

Me: And maybe wear those jeans I like?

Captain Carl: No.

Me: Come on! I have cramps. Be nice to me!

Captain Carl: No.

Me: Maybe just flash me some nip out the window when I leave for work then?

Captain Carl: Fine, but just one.

And he totally did it, y'all. The man gets me. Kind of scary, huh?

The Amazing Adventures Of The Super-Nerds

Captain Carl’s brother, Mailman Mike, hangs out with his girlfriend at an Irish pub at least 2-3 nights a week. They know the owner, the manager, the servers. They have a regular waitress who calls them at home to let them know what section she’s working so they will sit in it. Mike’s a big tipper. (twss) On Tuesday nights they have pub trivia. The Captain goes pretty much every Tuesday, but I attend only sporadically on account of working. And because I can’t stand to be out past 10pm on a weeknight. Because I’m 80 years old, apparently.

So I went last night and drank myself into oblivion! Yeah! Party! I’m an animal!

Not really. I drank three Diet Cokes. Because I needed to keep my wits about me to keep up with all the trivia geeks on our team. Seriously y’all. I suck at trivia and sitting at that table made me feel I had somehow teleported to a super-nerd conclave.

Name the three saints depicted on the Union Jack.
Which country has the highest elevation active volcano?
What was the name of Gollum’s sword in Lord of the Rings?
Which President stayed a bachelor his whole life?
What female swimmer successfully swam the something something big body of water something something something in 1950?

They knew the answers to all of them. I knew none of them. I mean, Gollum’s sword? Come on! I spent most of the night staring vaguely towards the ceiling with a contemplative look on my face, like each answer was totally on the tip of my tongue. And then when someone would whisper an answer I was all “Oh right! Yes! Of course!” and then nodded sagely. Fortunately for me, Renty came along so I was spared from being the dumbest person at the table. He spent most of the night smiling his joker smile and saying things like “Boo ya!” and “Straight up!” and “That’s what I’m talkin’ bout!” along with weird airport tarmac arm movements every time our team got a question right. He was either guiding a in a plane or signaling how awesome we were. He drank five beers, so it’s anybody’s guess.

But then? The worm turned, people.

Question: Which famous couple has children named Brooklyn and Cruise?
Me: Ohmygod!!!
Everyone else: *blank stare*
Me: Soooo easy.
Everyone else: *scrunchy eyebrow face*
Me: Becks and Posh.
Everyone else: Wha??
Me: Oh come on. Posh? The Spice Girls? David Beckham?
Mailman Mike: Oh, the soccer player?
Me: Pssh. Smart people. Don’t you ever read OK magazine?

Question: Which 80’s Saturday morning show featured a cartoon character named Penny?
Me: *gasp!*
Captain Carl: I’ll just go ahead and let you answer this one.
Me: Oh it’s too much! I can’t believe we got this question.
Mike: I’m pretty sure it’s….
Me: *finger point* Don’t say it!!
Everyone else: *scared face*
Me: This one is mine! Mine!
Everyone else: *scooting chairs away from me*

And then it was Renty’s turn.

Question: Who sang the song “Bye Bye Baby” in 1975?
Renty: I’m pretty sure I know this one.
Captain Carl: The Bee Gees maybe?
Me: What about The Jackson 5?
Renty: Nope, it’s Bay City Rollers.
Super smart Asian girl who’s name I forgot: That doesn’t sound right.
Mike: The Jackson 5 would be my guess too.
Renty: No, no….I know this one.
Captain Carl: Okay, if you say so.
Answer: Bay City Rollers.
Renty: Holla!! *raising the roof*

Question: How many hearts does an octopus have?
Renty: *whispered yell* Three!!
Everyone else: *stare*
Mike: Are you sure?
Renty: Umm, yes absolutely.
White girl who really really loves Dr. Who: This could be a trick question.
Super smart Asian girl who’s name I forgot: Yeah, the answer is probably one.
Renty: Ummm, nope. No. It’s three.
Captain Carl: Well….
Mike: Sure why not. Let's go with it.
Dr. Who girl/Asian girl: *smart nerdy eye roll*
Answer: Three.
Renty: Oh yeah! Straight up, baby! My pants are on fire!
Me: What?
Renty: *joker smile*

So yeah, we totally won the game and Mailman Mike bought us a round to celebrate our nerdy dominance, Renty is coming to trivia night again next week and I totally cannot get that one Bay City Rollers song out of my head.

S-A-TUR-DAY *clap* Night!

Damn it.

Thank You, Creepy Blog Stalker Lady!

I got an email this morning from someone only going by "Mimi" who sent me a link to this awesome website. I don't know who you are Mimi, but I love you. I love you like Renty loves my cat...a little too much for "normal people" standards. Probably even a little bit more than that because you've never puked on my furniture. Yet.

I'm also a little bit afraid of you because of the line "you don't know me, but I read you" that you dropped at the end of your email. That's the kind of comment that leads up to emails that say "I loved your last blog, can you please send me a a couple pieces of your hair?" and "I told my mom about you and she thinks we are destined to be best friends. Then I cleaned the leaves off her tombstone and went home." and "LOL you are so awesome that I want to stab you in the face!". Mimi, please send me a heads up email if you decide to start hanging around outside my house with binoculars. Because I'll have to ask Becky to make room for your car. There's only so much space for parking in a cul de sac. Just sayin'.

More Exciting Than A Bag Full Of Vibrators*

I just received an email with the most awesome link in the history of links ever in the universe*.


Caution: Clicking here may cause your mind to blow from extreme awesomeness*. Also, your mom blows stuff, but it ain't minds. boo-ya.

Y'all.



Pee Wee Herman Abstinence Rings.

My life is now complete.

*I might have over-hyped the website slightly. I mean, a bag of vibrators would be pretty awesome too, I guess. But come on, y'all! They have Miss Yvonne bandanas!

I Don't Have Time For This

Dudes. Seriously. I'm never around anymore, I know. I haven't been commenting on any of y'alls blogs and I know I'm missing some good shit. I've got about 12 shows on my dvr that I need to watch too, so I'm trying to split my three milliseconds of free time up between blogging and catching up on Glee and Fringe. Glee won last night. Sorry.

What's even worse is that I somehow missed knowing that Pee Wee was on the Jay Leno show this week. How could I have possibly missed that???? I should be spanked. I mean, I'm basically his biggest fan. I even stuck with him through the jerking-off-in-a-porno-theater thing. Everyone needs to get off once in awhile. Please. It's not like he was jerking off onto a choir boys face or something. Okay, I apologize...that last sentence was just gross and uncalled for. But still a funny visual. You totally laughed when you pictured it, right? Yeah, I know you did....you guys are disgusting perverts. I love you.

Anyway, thank goodness someone left me a comment on my last post about Pee Wee being on Leno's show. Except now I have to watch that tonight instead of commenting on all of y'alls blogs. So yeah, sorry.

P.S. I kind of speed watched the Pee Wee episode and the best part was this line. "One of the benefits about having white people in Harlem is that now I can get a salad." Awesome. Would have been more awesome if Pee Wee had said it.

P.P.S. I almost passed out from the excitement when I saw Pee Wee come out (hee hee)!!

I Know You Are But What Am I?

This is for my blog friend, PLO, who's been having a rough time lately.

Hey Paula, remember when you sent me this letter?


I know you do, because you took the time to draw Pee Wee wonderfulness on the envelope. All for me.

And remember how you not only sent me this fantastic envelope, but you also put these trading cards inside it?


I know you do, because when I told you I never had any you sent me some from your own collection even though we only knew each other through our blogs.


Remember how I said months ago I was going to post pictures of what you sent me and I never did? I know you do. But I bet you don't know how I'm pretty glad I waited all this time to do it, because now I can hopefully cheer you up a little bit while your spirits might be down and your heart might be hurting.




So here you go, girly...my very late thank you post for one of the sweetest things anyone I barely know has ever done for me.

P.S. I know you are but what am I?

Sunday Morning Hangover

I woke up early this morning with a hangover. A screwdriver hangover, to be exact. Captain Carl and I went to a jazz club last night and it was fantastic. Tiny place, amazing live jazz music and a lot of drinking.

We were supposed to go to Worky's Paparazzi party, but I decided to be a shitty friend and skip it. I know....I suck. But today is our 6th anniversary and I really wanted to be alone with the Captain last night to celebrate. So that's what we did, and I got drunk off three screwdrivers. In my defense, they were really strong...but yeah, I'm a lightweight. I'm pretty sure I started quoting Pee Wee's Big Adventure on the walk back to the car.

There are things about me you wouldn't understand....things you couldn't understand....things you shouldn't understand.



We got home around 1am after a stop at Whataburger for some grease...which is what Captain Carl said I needed when I realized how tipsy I was after we left the club. There's just nothing like a cheeseburger at 1am, right? I had forgotten how good they tasted.

So I was planning on sleeping in this morning. I woke up at 8:30, which is not nearly late enough for my taste. But my head was pounding and I had cotton mouth, so I got up. I decided to open a window and enjoy the birds singing before everyone else in my boarding house woke up.

Just me and the puke monsters...listening to the birds and feeling the cool morning breeze.



I need some Advil.