A Mosquito Almost Got Me Killed This Morning

I woke up this morning with a giant coochie spider bite on my inner thigh. I'm assuming it was a coochie spider that did it, because of it's proximity to the cooch. But he obviously didn't go to spider class on the day they taught how to bite the coochie, because he missed it by about 5 inches. Not that I'm complaining. I'm actually quite grateful that he missed the mark because, as embarrassing as it is to be sitting at work scratching my inner thigh all day, it would be way worse if he had actually bit the part he was probably aiming for.

I told Captain Carl about my coochie spider bite and he just stared blankly at me and I was all "Hello, I have a spider bite! It's not weird, everyone gets them." and he was all "There's no such thing as a coochie spider." and I was all "Ummm, clearly there is because look at my thigh." and he was all "Yeah, you're making that up. And it was probably an ant that did it, not a spider." and I was all "Holy shit, there are coochie ANTS too???" and he was all "Seriously, what's the matter with you?" and I was all "Your mom." and then he was all "Right." and then I was all "Come back here, I need you to scratch my coochie bite!".

Then when I was leaving for work, our West Africa Missionary neighbor came over to chit chat for a minute without his shirt on because he had been out running and I left my car door open. When I got on the highway, there was a mosquito flying around in there with me. I'm pretty sure the bastard snuck in when I was talking all churchy with the neighbor while trying not to stare at his chest because the guy's pretty old and practically a priest but damn, nice pecs Reverend!

So I'm driving and the mosquito started buzzing around my face. Every time it did, I would swing wildly and try to catch it in my fist of death. At one point I started up with the windmill arms while yelling "Get the fuck out of my face, fucker!!!!" A couple of times I went over into the next lane, but only SLIGHTLY because I am an excellent driver, especially when I'm distracted by flying insects or by texting or by opening another beer. Then I had to yell for awhile at the guy next to me that started honking during one my my wild arm swings because dude! I'm about to get West Nile over here! I can't be worrying about your stupid Honda, okay? Some people are so inconsiderate. Geesh.

I ate the biggest nectarine known to man when I got to work. I'm not even kidding. This thing was about the size of softball. No, bigger than that. It was the size of a large-ish shrunken head. Or about a B cup boob. Which is a somewhat small breast size compared to my giant bazoombas, but it's a huge size for a nectarine. And the thing was so freaking juicy. I was squirting nectarine juice all over myself and my desk. You are totally turned on right now, aren't you? Well don't be, because it wasn't sexy because I was wearing clothes and plus I wasn't moaning and making sex faces. Okay, it might have been a little sexy because every time I took a bite, the nectarine made sucking noises. But you know that line "I can eat a peach all day" or something like that? I forget what movie that was in but I know it was supposed to be all hot and sexy because ha ha! he's talking about cunnilingus! . Well, I'm here to tell you that there is no way anyone could do that all day because things start getting sticky and messy really fast and that shit gets old pretty quick, especially when you don't have enough paper towels available. Plus, have you ever seen a man doing anything all day besides sit around and not do laundry?

So I had to go into the break room to wash my face and hands because of all the juice and wouldn't you know it, The Cup Nazi was in there cleaning the front of the refrigerator. Awesome, I love that lady. I'm pretty sure she loves me way more though, because she never talks to me or makes eye contact and everyone knows that when someone does that they secretly like you a whole lot and are probably just shy or planning how they could get away with murdering you.

The Cup Nazi got new coffee makers yesterday for the office. They are the kind that you put the individual little coffee grind containers into and it brews one cup at a time. People got all excited and clappy and all day I kept hearing "Have you tried the new coffee machine yet?? OMG, you have to try the pecan praline!" Pecan fucking praline, people. It's almost like the second coming of Christ, except instead of getting forgiveness for your sins you get sweet hot beverages.

The Cup Nazi sent out a three page email with directions on how to use it and I was all "Oh please, three pages on how to make a cup of coffee?? I'm not a moron!" and then I went in there to try the hot chocolate and I put my cup under the wrong part of the machine and the hot chocolate came out and splashed all over the counter. Dudes, she didn't put ANYTHING in that email about where to put your cup! What a bitch.