Okay, so I'm totally slacking on the blogging side of my life. I swear I really am working on all my giveaway winners' cards...honest! I've had a string of new photography business in the last week, so I'm basically working two full-time jobs right now. So shut up about your stupid gum already, it'll get there when it gets there! Geesh.
I'm sorry I yelled at you. Please don't go! I promise I'll never do it again...even though you kind of deserved it.
I'm also working on my sex toy review...and I know you pervs can hardly wait for that.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
What The World Needs Now Is Love. And Also Penis Straws.
Once upon a time, there was a woman named Kim. Kim had a blog, and she named that blog Yellow Trash Diaries. Kim was hilarious and she totally got over 100 followers because of how awesome she was and also because a nice lady at another blog that had something to do with your mom asked her legions (legions!) of followers to share the love over at Kim's blog. Kim also had some things in her possession that were magical and wonderful. Special, lovely somethings. And yet, Kim chose never to use these somethings. Instead, Kim kept the somethings hidden away in a closet, where they were forgotten about. Until one fateful day when Kim rediscovered the somethings and decided to bestow them upon the fair maiden, Miss Yvonne. And Miss Yvonne said that the somethings were good and the villagers rejoiced. The end.
Dudes! Kim has some penis straws and she's giving them to me. Just because I asked. And maybe also because I told her I would use them when the Kiddo's friends came over so I could do inappropriate things and embarrass 17 year old boys. Apparently Kim likes sick and deranged people. Yea for me!
I'm gonna suck the shit out of those bastards.
I promised Courtney over at Whiskey Girl that I would send her one so that we can have a contest to see who can suck the most. My vote is for Kurt's mom, but I think I'll be a strong second.
Get ready for a good ole fashioned suck-off, y'all!!
Dudes! Kim has some penis straws and she's giving them to me. Just because I asked. And maybe also because I told her I would use them when the Kiddo's friends came over so I could do inappropriate things and embarrass 17 year old boys. Apparently Kim likes sick and deranged people. Yea for me!
I'm gonna suck the shit out of those bastards.
I promised Courtney over at Whiskey Girl that I would send her one so that we can have a contest to see who can suck the most. My vote is for Kurt's mom, but I think I'll be a strong second.
Get ready for a good ole fashioned suck-off, y'all!!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Who's Your Daddy? I'm Pretty Sure It's Not This Guy.
Captain Carl and I are sitting on the couch watching TV. My cat, Max, is sitting on the ottoman in front of us. Renty walks into the room...
Renty: (to Max) There's the wittle pwincess!
Me: *blink*
Renty: You are such a wittle pwincess! Yes you are!
Captain Carl: Oh yeah, she's so sweet I can hardly stand it.
Renty: You have green eyes, just like Daddy...I mean, just like me!
Me: *scared face*
Then Renty picks up Max's front legs and starts kissing the top of her head. Max is looking at me all "Don't just sit there, help me bitch!" but I'm all "Uh...ha ha haaaa?" because y'alll! I don't know if I should laugh or cry at this point. I guess since I wouldn't stop him, Max had to take matters into her own paws...
She coughed up a hairball.
It worked.
Renty let her go immediately and was all "She's quite the charmer, isn't she?" and Max was all "Charm this, kitty rapist" and then coughed up another one and then Renty just turned away and went back upstairs. We sat there in silence for about a minute. Then the Captain leaned over and whispered in my ear "Just like Daddy???".
Does anyone know the number for Cat Protective Services?
Renty: (to Max) There's the wittle pwincess!
Me: *blink*
Renty: You are such a wittle pwincess! Yes you are!
Captain Carl: Oh yeah, she's so sweet I can hardly stand it.
Renty: You have green eyes, just like Daddy...I mean, just like me!
Me: *scared face*
Then Renty picks up Max's front legs and starts kissing the top of her head. Max is looking at me all "Don't just sit there, help me bitch!" but I'm all "Uh...ha ha haaaa?" because y'alll! I don't know if I should laugh or cry at this point. I guess since I wouldn't stop him, Max had to take matters into her own paws...
She coughed up a hairball.
It worked.
Renty let her go immediately and was all "She's quite the charmer, isn't she?" and Max was all "Charm this, kitty rapist" and then coughed up another one and then Renty just turned away and went back upstairs. We sat there in silence for about a minute. Then the Captain leaned over and whispered in my ear "Just like Daddy???".
Does anyone know the number for Cat Protective Services?
Friday, July 10, 2009
This Is Just Like The Oscars. Only Instead Of A Trophy, You Get Gum.
Tonight's the night, people! That's right, the moment some of you have been kind of interested in!
Miss Yvonne makes her sexy giveaway face
I asked Emo if I could borrow his hat for the drawing and he got all nervous and was all "Why? Are you gonna do something to it? You're gonna do something to it, right?" and I was all "I don't knowwww !!" in a singsong voice and he was all "No one touches the hat" and then he popped his fangs in and left. So I'm using the Kiddo's mowing hat instead, which is a poor substitute and also a little smelly. Meh, whatever.
To make things even more exciting (chuh! like that would even be possible), I got the puke monsters to help me draw names.
Turns out cats really love giveaway drawings. Who knew?
So here are the five lucky winners, in order of how they were drawn out of the smelly hat....
Congrats to all the winners! Send me an email with your real name and mailing address and I'll send your gum just as soon as I finish your personalized card. So yeah, you'll probably get it in about 3 weeks....or less. I'm all over this. Don't you even worry.
And thanks to everyone that entered. And as for all you losers...your name was probably the next to be drawn...too bad Max got a hold of it first.
It's giveaway time!
Miss Yvonne makes her sexy giveaway faceI asked Emo if I could borrow his hat for the drawing and he got all nervous and was all "Why? Are you gonna do something to it? You're gonna do something to it, right?" and I was all "I don't knowwww !!" in a singsong voice and he was all "No one touches the hat" and then he popped his fangs in and left. So I'm using the Kiddo's mowing hat instead, which is a poor substitute and also a little smelly. Meh, whatever.
To make things even more exciting (chuh! like that would even be possible), I got the puke monsters to help me draw names.
Turns out cats really love giveaway drawings. Who knew?
So here are the five lucky winners, in order of how they were drawn out of the smelly hat....
Courtney at Whiskey Girl
Winner of the Does This Gum Make My Ass Look Big? Gum
The answer is no, of course not
Winner of the Does This Gum Make My Ass Look Big? Gum
The answer is no, of course not
Little Ms Blogger at A Little Blog About Nothing
Winner of the Don't Have Ugly Children Gum
Ummm...good luck?
Winner of the Don't Have Ugly Children Gum
Ummm...good luck?
Congrats to all the winners! Send me an email with your real name and mailing address and I'll send your gum just as soon as I finish your personalized card. So yeah, you'll probably get it in about 3 weeks....or less. I'm all over this. Don't you even worry.
And thanks to everyone that entered. And as for all you losers...your name was probably the next to be drawn...too bad Max got a hold of it first.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Gods Masturbate, Right?
UPDATED to fix my incorrect use of an apostrophe in my blog title...you're welcome miss. chief. I'm coming over to your blog to karate chop you in the face now. I hope you're happy.
I'm just killing time up in here waiting for my awesome new clit massager to arrive in the mail. I've decided to fantasize about Cat the first time I use it, in honor of her giveaway that made it all possible. That's hot, right? Because she's a girl and I'm a girl and a girl-on-girl fantasy inside a girl's head is super sexy, especially when it's about going shopping together and ohmygod those shoes are super cute and maybe getting a pretzel at the mall and also french fries at McDonald's on our way home because we're sooo sooo naughty.
So guess what, y'all? I'm a god. Shut up, I am so! I so totally am. Nikki over at This Genius is Insane wrote a whole blog post about me being a god. I'm not capitalizing the word "god" because there's still a little bit of Lutheran still stuck in me, plus if my mom ever finds this blog (I will totally cut you if you tell her about it) I know the first thing she'll be upset about is all the swearing but the second thing will be that I called myself a capital G god. I did capitalize it in my blog title, but that's just because it's good grammar.
Nikki also gave me this award:
She created it just for me. All I can say is you're totally awesome and I love you and your blog and thanks for comparing me to chocolate covered strawberries eaten off of Johnny Depp's abdomen. Also why is that guy not sucking on one of those nipples in that room? Seriously, what a waste.
Two more days left to enter my giveaway, bitches!
I'm just killing time up in here waiting for my awesome new clit massager to arrive in the mail. I've decided to fantasize about Cat the first time I use it, in honor of her giveaway that made it all possible. That's hot, right? Because she's a girl and I'm a girl and a girl-on-girl fantasy inside a girl's head is super sexy, especially when it's about going shopping together and ohmygod those shoes are super cute and maybe getting a pretzel at the mall and also french fries at McDonald's on our way home because we're sooo sooo naughty.
So guess what, y'all? I'm a god. Shut up, I am so! I so totally am. Nikki over at This Genius is Insane wrote a whole blog post about me being a god. I'm not capitalizing the word "god" because there's still a little bit of Lutheran still stuck in me, plus if my mom ever finds this blog (I will totally cut you if you tell her about it) I know the first thing she'll be upset about is all the swearing but the second thing will be that I called myself a capital G god. I did capitalize it in my blog title, but that's just because it's good grammar.
Nikki also gave me this award:
She created it just for me. All I can say is you're totally awesome and I love you and your blog and thanks for comparing me to chocolate covered strawberries eaten off of Johnny Depp's abdomen. Also why is that guy not sucking on one of those nipples in that room? Seriously, what a waste.Two more days left to enter my giveaway, bitches!
Monday, July 6, 2009
Who Says Blogging Doesn't Pay Off? And By "Pay Off" I Mean "Get You Sex Toys".
So I'm pretty sure I'll draw winners for my mullet giveaway on Friday, unless something important comes up that night like I get invited to go swimming or I don't feel like it. There's still plenty of time to enter, so get on it!
And speaking of giveaway...I just won what is probably the best giveaway any bloggy girl can hope to win. I'll give you a hint. It's a sex toy.
I suck at hints, huh?
So anyway...hee heeeeeee, I won a sex toy over at Zipbag of Bones!! Y'all....just....holy shit. I'm so excited, my vagina is all a-quiver. I'm so excited, my eyes are already rolling back in my head. I'm so excited, my nipples could cut glass over here.
But now I feel even more lame because my giveaway prizes are not anything that can buzz you to orgasm. Unless you like rubbing Chiclets against your clitoris. In which case, what the hell is wrong with you and also does that really work because maybe I should try it before I send the winners their prizes?
Ha ha, just kidding. I'm totally kidding!
Maybe.
And speaking of giveaway...I just won what is probably the best giveaway any bloggy girl can hope to win. I'll give you a hint. It's a sex toy.
I suck at hints, huh?
So anyway...hee heeeeeee, I won a sex toy over at Zipbag of Bones!! Y'all....just....holy shit. I'm so excited, my vagina is all a-quiver. I'm so excited, my eyes are already rolling back in my head. I'm so excited, my nipples could cut glass over here.
But now I feel even more lame because my giveaway prizes are not anything that can buzz you to orgasm. Unless you like rubbing Chiclets against your clitoris. In which case, what the hell is wrong with you and also does that really work because maybe I should try it before I send the winners their prizes?
Ha ha, just kidding. I'm totally kidding!
Maybe.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Enter The Mullet Giveaway Today!
I know y'all have been on the edge of your seats waiting to find out what kind of giveaway I'm having that involves a mullet. Well wait no more! Also, prepare to be disappointed!
I'm giving away gum.
Yep. Gum.
But hold up, don't get yer panties in a wad grandma. It's insulting and somewhat inappropriate gum!
I've got five boxes of it...therefore, there will be five winners!
And because I'm so awesome and also because the gum is kind of small and I'm pretty sure the winners will be disappointed when they get it in the mail and they'll be all "That's it?", I'll also include a PERSONALIZED hand-made card for each winner. Just go over to this post and you'll see how lucky you'll be to get one of these bad boys with your gum. I'll be posting pics of each of the cards once they are completed...you know, so everyone can enjoy my amazing creations. I'm a giver like that.
So here's how to win....you get one entry just by leaving me a comment about why I'm so awesome. Just kidding, any old comment will do. Although it wouldn't hurt my feelings if you did happen to mention something about me being awesome.
You'll get a second entry if you link to my giveaway on your blog...be sure to email me with a link to your blog so I can add your entry.
I haven't decided on the exact day for picking winners yet...it'll be sometime next week. All winners will be drawn out of a hat...maybe I'll use Emo's hat if you're lucky...
Good luck, bitches!
I'm giving away gum.
Yep. Gum.
But hold up, don't get yer panties in a wad grandma. It's insulting and somewhat inappropriate gum!
I've got five boxes of it...therefore, there will be five winners!
Here's where the mullet comes in....
And then there are the others...
And because I'm so awesome and also because the gum is kind of small and I'm pretty sure the winners will be disappointed when they get it in the mail and they'll be all "That's it?", I'll also include a PERSONALIZED hand-made card for each winner. Just go over to this post and you'll see how lucky you'll be to get one of these bad boys with your gum. I'll be posting pics of each of the cards once they are completed...you know, so everyone can enjoy my amazing creations. I'm a giver like that.
So here's how to win....you get one entry just by leaving me a comment about why I'm so awesome. Just kidding, any old comment will do. Although it wouldn't hurt my feelings if you did happen to mention something about me being awesome.
You'll get a second entry if you link to my giveaway on your blog...be sure to email me with a link to your blog so I can add your entry.
I haven't decided on the exact day for picking winners yet...it'll be sometime next week. All winners will be drawn out of a hat...maybe I'll use Emo's hat if you're lucky...
Good luck, bitches!
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