Delicious Snack or Vicious Weapon? You Decide.

I dare any fruit to challenge the perfection that is the frozen grape.

If you know not of which I speak, then for the love of all that is good and holy…get thee to thine grocery store! And then doth thou shall put thy produce that shall be named “the grrrrape” (rolling r’s) into thy freezer and then thou shall waiteth three or four hours for thy luscious frrrruit (more rolling r’s) to enter thy perfect state of frozen.

Don’t ask where that sentence came from. It’s a dark, scary place…my brain is.

So yeah. Grapes are a pretty awesome fruit. They are small and cute and easy to eat as long as you don’t get the ones with seeds. Seeded grapes are like the dirty, worm-farm cousins of the seedless grape. Don’t hang out with seeded grapes. They are bad news bears, my friends.

Grapes are not my favorite fruit. Watermelon ranks much higher, even though it’s messier and has seeds. Watermelon seeds are nothing like grape seeds, just to clarify. Not all seeds are bad. heh heh.

Also better than grapes are raspberries. Ooh, and kiwi!

Okay, this is turning into “Miss Yvonne lists her favorite fruits” and that would be so boring to read.

So.

Back to grapes!

As I said, grapes are pretty awesome but I am about to kick shit up an Emeril notch right here by giving you the 7 steps to orgasmic grapes. Yes, there are a whole 7 steps. Seems excessive? Maybe. Shut up about it.

Step 1: Wash your grapes.
Step 2: Pluck grapes off the gross vine thingies.
Step 3: Put grapes in container.
Step 4: Put container in freezer.
Step 5: Wait.
Step 6: Eat frozen grapes.
Step 7: Have your mind blown.

Eating a frozen grape is like eating a teeny tiny round popcicle. And if you let them thaw about 20 minutes, it’s like eating a teeny tiny round slushy. Except it has vitamins and less calories. It’s perfect wrapped inside a chewy skin, is what I’m saying here.

Also, they hurt a real lot when someone “accidentally” whips one at the boss’s head as he’s walking by.

*ahem*

Just sayin’.

Somebody Please Remember To Tell the Cops To Check Between My Toes, Okay?

I spent all afternoon yesterday watching the ID channel. Do y’all get this channel? You HAVE to watch it if you do. It’s pretty much nonstop true crime programming. God, I love true crime shows. Show me an episode of 48 Hours Mystery and I’ll show you a happy fat chick.

So I sat down on my couch at 11am and did not get up (except to pee and get more food and drink) until 5pm. Six hours of true crime television. SIX. HOURS. A fine way to waste away a Sunday, no?

Me: Ohmygod.
Captain Carl: *looking up from his laptop* What?
Me: I can’t believe this lady!
Captain Carl: What did she do?
Me: She poisoned her own husband with arsenic. And then she poisoned her second husband the same way and she still didn’t get caught.
Captain Carl: *squints at tv* She’s pretty hot.
Me: That’s not really her. That’s an actress playing her. She killed them in like the 50’s or something.
Captain Carl: I figured, since she’s wearing a poodle skirt.
Me: And then she totally killed her daughter with arsenic too! Her daughter! That’s when they finally caught her.
Captain Carl: Fascinating. *looks back at laptop*
Me: I mean, killing your own daughter…that’s pretty awful.
Captain Carl: Hmmm mmm. *type type type*
Me: *sly glance* But killing your husband? Now that would depend on the circumstances.
Captain Carl: *looks up* Excuse me?
Me: *innocent face* What?
Captain Carl: Are you trying to tell me something?
Me: No. I’m just saying…
Captain Carl: What are you just saying?
Me: Just that some husbands maybe deserve it.
Captain Carl: That’s funny, because I think the same thing about some wives.
Me: Oh really? *squinty eyes*
Captain Carl: Yeah.
Me: Oh really now? *more squinty eyes*
Captain Carl: *points at tv* This chick did it all wrong. She should have injected the poison between their toes.
Me: What? Why?
Captain Carl: It’s harder to find the needle marks there.
Me: *blink*
Captain Carl: *smile*
Me: How do you know that?
Captain Carl: *shrugs* I don’t know, I just do.
Me: Why would you need to know that information?
Captain Carl: You never know when certain kinds of information will come in handy.
Me: *stare*
Captain Carl: Just sayin’. *smile* Love you.
Me: Good thing I don’t have a really big life insurance policy right now, or I’d be really scared. *nervous laugh*
Captain Carl: Not any that you know of, anyway.
Me: *rapid blinking*
Captain Carl: Hey, remember when our dog got diabetes and we had to give her insulin injections and then she died and I asked you to keep the needles and you asked me why and I said that I might want to “use them someday for injecting stuff”?
Me: Ummm, yes?
Captain Carl: Where exactly did you put them again?


I never win our freak-out competitions. Damn it.

I'm So Deep Undercover, Even I Didn't Know I Was An Agent.

I'm in my office with my partner, DZ. We're doing paperwork. Just another boring day as an FBI agent. So boring, in fact, that I can't help but stare blindly out my window at the lovely field of trees and what is that, wheat maybe? waving softly in the breeze. No, wait. It's sweet corn. Apparently the FBI headquarters are in the middle of rural Minnesota. Weird.

Anyway, so there I am, staring out the window, when I see a little child running up the dirt path to the building's front door. I guess budget cuts have hit so hard, the FBI can't afford concrete these days. The boy is holding a paper airplane over his head and pretending to fly it. He is smiling and laughing.

"Hey, look at that kid", I say to DZ.

"How did he get way out here?", she asks.

Suddenly, I see a dark shadow pass quickly over the field and the little boy. He stops running and freezes in place, staring at the sky. And then he disappears. Just disappears into thin air.

"What the hell?", I yell.

"Where did he go?", DZ asks.

"Did you see that shadow?", I reply.

"What shadow?", DZ asks.

Damn that girl asks a lot of questions.

And so begins another FBI: Fringe Division case. Children are disappearing all over the country. First three, then five, then dozens are missing.

And every time one disappears, I see a shadow fly across the sky. Huge and dark.

No one else can see it. So I am put in charge of the case.

"We are connecting you to this brain reading machine thingy", says my boss.

"Every time you see that shadow, you tell me. Our computer program thingy will read your brain waves or whatever and pinpoint the location of the next disappearance before it happens."

"Wow, that's pretty fucking cool. I love technology", I reply. "Also, you're kind of hot in a weirdly intense and bald way."

And so we begin. And then something something I forget some of the details but the trail leads to some big mansion for some reason and then we're all inside it and I'm all talking to my partner, DZ, and then the shadow goes by and DZ disappears and I'm all "DZ!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!" all dramatically.

And then this shit gets really intense, y'all. I look up at the ceiling and all the children that disappeared are floating down from the sky and into the house. But it's only their bodies...I can see that their minds are gone. And then I hear a noise behind me and I turn around and standing there is an alien!

"ALIENS!! IT WAS ALIENS!!! I FUCKING KNEW IT!!!"

And then I'm sitting on an air mattress. It is dark, but I can tell I'm in my parent's family room in Arizona. Captain Carl is sleeping next to me. I look around wildingly and see a red light flashing through the window in the door leading into the hallway.

I run through the door and into the hallway, where my dad is just coming out of the bathroom dressed only in his boxers.

Dad: What's wrong?

Me: What?

Dad: What?

Me: Huh?

Dad: What?

Me: Do you have your hearing aid in, Dad?

Dad: What?

Me: *yelling* Did you see the alien?

Dad: Alien?

Me: Yes, did you see it?

Dad: *blink*

Me: Where is that flashing red light coming from?

Dad: Flashing light?

Me: *grabbing his shoulder* Dad! There is a flashing red light in here!

Dad: Are you sleep walking?

Me: What? No! I saw a flashing red light!

Dad: Oh, it's probably the smoke detector. It does that sometimes.

Me: Smoke detector? I feel dizzy. Maybe it's carbon dioxide!

Dad: What?

Me: *yelling into his good ear* Carbon! Dioxide!

Dad: You mean carbon monoxide poisoning?

Me: No! Yes! Whatever! We have to get Mom and The Captain out!

Dad: *laughing* That must have been some dream.

Me: What? Dream? *looking around* Right. I was dreaming. Okay, that explains it.

Dad: Go back to bed.

Me: Damn. I was such a kick ass FBI agent too.

And that is exactly why you should never drink margaritas 5 days in a row on vacation.

I'm In Arizona. And I'm Watching The Bachelor. I'm Not Sure How That Happened.

Guess who's on vacation, bitches?

So I'm in Arizona visiting my parents. This has become an annual thing for me. I came out here last year and it was awesome and super cool and very drunky. But Captain Carl could not come with me because we couldn't afford it. I didn't want to come back without him this year, so we made it happen. Even though we are about 10 seconds away from being in the poor house at all times.

And so we are here and we're all driving around in the mountains and going on hikes and hanging out in the hot tub and playing tennis and things are going great and then bam! my mom turns on The Bachelor and I'm all "I hate this show!" and she's all "I love this show!" and I'm all "Blech, gross! Wait, why didn't he keep the mortician lady?" and then my high school boyfriend's mother (who is also my mother's good friend) showed up and now I'm drunk on vodka sprites.

It's been a weird day.

God, I love vacations.

How My Husband Locked In Sexual Favors For The Next Month

He bought me this for Valentine’s Day:

He bought me Harry, y’all.

Tickets to see Harry, just to be clear. But still, buying me a seat to be in the same room as Harry pretty much guarantees that he will get lucky many times over both leading up to and for several days after the concert. All he has to do now is smile indulgently when I squeal "ohmygod Harry!" every 10 minutes and pretend that he doesn't hear me ask my sister if she thinks it would be pretentious to name our baby Doctor Jazz Connick Jr. and he's got it made.

The concert is at the end of March, so I need to get busy planning the outfit I’ll be wearing when Harry falls in love with me. I'm thinking something eye catching. Are tube tops still in style? And do they make them with flashing heart headlights, or will I need to customize one myself?

I’ve already started my letter to let him know I’ll be there, so he knows to get ready to start falling in love soon. I'm sure he'll be totally excited and not at all wanting to take out another restraining order against me. I mean, one is really enough to get the point across that you like to play hard to get, Harry.

Such a tease, that one.

I may even make a sign to hold up. I’m thinking maybe something like this:

I think the rainbow colors make it seem more festive and not all creepy.

I'm Late. Go Buy Yourself A Vibrator & Get Over It Already.

Okay, so I was supposed to announce my giveaway winner for the $50 gift certificate at EdenFantasys at 6pm today.

I forgot.

What? I'm sorry, okay? I took a nap at 4pm and then I woke up at 6:30pm and then I had dinner and then I had about 3 glasses of wine and then I was sitting on the couch watching the news and blah blah blah Super Bowl blah blah blah ohmygod that is totally Terry from Reno 911 and he's wearing a Vikings t-shirt and now I love him even more and blah blah blah holy shit I forgot to do my giveaway.

So ummm, yeah. Giveaway time! Hurray! Only 4.5 hours late! No big deal! Whatever! Shut up!

The randomly picked lucky winner of the EdenFantasys $50 gift certificate is:

Sarah P at Naked Cupcakes!

Sarah said she was going to buy a double labia buzzer with her gift certificate, so look forward to her post about that. It should be very stimulating. Ha! See what I did there? I'm hilarious.

Congratulations Sarah, you lucky little so-and-so. And thanks to everyone for entering the giveaway. Sorry you didn't win, but in every giveaway there must be a few losers and you people are it this time. Get over it already. Geesh. And special thanks to EdenFantasys for sponsoring the giveaway and for making all our sexy time dreams come true.

And now, I leave you with the best photo of me without any makeup on ever taken in the history of ever. Taken today, in the winter wonderland that is Dallas. Because when you think of snow, you think north Texas.

God, I'm adorable.

I Wish I Could Blame This On Being Drunk, But I Do It When I'm Sober Too

I just won three 2011 Boomerang awards over at Studio30+. THREE! I won funniest blogger, best blog title and best female blog. I feel a little guilty on account of me bribing y'all with sex toys for votes, but not enough to give the awards to someone else. Hell no! I'm flaunting those babies all over this motherfucker. Thanks to everyone who voted for me. I hope you win the sex toy giveaway, or at least have some sex or something to make you feel like it was worth your vote.

So we played tennis last weekend with Mailman Mike and his girlfriend. Then we decided to get drunk and sing karaoke, because of course we did. Captain Carl and I did a very special version of the best Earth Wind & Fire song ever made. And since we were still wearing our tennis gear and already sweaty from working out, I decided to bust out some of my sweet dance moves too.

And now I've decided to share that moment with y'all. Consider it my acceptance speech for my Boomerang awards.

Boom. Talent explosion. Right here.



p.s. I don't know how to fix this so it doesn't cut off the right side of the video. It's not like I'm married to a web designer or anything. Oh wait, I am married to a web designer. Meh. Whatever.

p.p.s. Don't forget to enter my EdenFantasys giveaway. It ends on Friday at 6pm and I'm gonna be pissed if I don't get more entries because I spent like, 5 hours reading the kinky stories on their website in preparation for this and shut up, it was totally for research purposes only because I like to be thoroughly informed for my blog giveaways.