I'm In Arizona. And I'm Watching The Bachelor. I'm Not Sure How That Happened.

Guess who's on vacation, bitches?

So I'm in Arizona visiting my parents. This has become an annual thing for me. I came out here last year and it was awesome and super cool and very drunky. But Captain Carl could not come with me because we couldn't afford it. I didn't want to come back without him this year, so we made it happen. Even though we are about 10 seconds away from being in the poor house at all times.

And so we are here and we're all driving around in the mountains and going on hikes and hanging out in the hot tub and playing tennis and things are going great and then bam! my mom turns on The Bachelor and I'm all "I hate this show!" and she's all "I love this show!" and I'm all "Blech, gross! Wait, why didn't he keep the mortician lady?" and then my high school boyfriend's mother (who is also my mother's good friend) showed up and now I'm drunk on vodka sprites.

It's been a weird day.

God, I love vacations.

How My Husband Locked In Sexual Favors For The Next Month

He bought me this for Valentine’s Day:

He bought me Harry, y’all.

Tickets to see Harry, just to be clear. But still, buying me a seat to be in the same room as Harry pretty much guarantees that he will get lucky many times over both leading up to and for several days after the concert. All he has to do now is smile indulgently when I squeal "ohmygod Harry!" every 10 minutes and pretend that he doesn't hear me ask my sister if she thinks it would be pretentious to name our baby Doctor Jazz Connick Jr. and he's got it made.

The concert is at the end of March, so I need to get busy planning the outfit I’ll be wearing when Harry falls in love with me. I'm thinking something eye catching. Are tube tops still in style? And do they make them with flashing heart headlights, or will I need to customize one myself?

I’ve already started my letter to let him know I’ll be there, so he knows to get ready to start falling in love soon. I'm sure he'll be totally excited and not at all wanting to take out another restraining order against me. I mean, one is really enough to get the point across that you like to play hard to get, Harry.

Such a tease, that one.

I may even make a sign to hold up. I’m thinking maybe something like this:

I think the rainbow colors make it seem more festive and not all creepy.

I'm Late. Go Buy Yourself A Vibrator & Get Over It Already.

Okay, so I was supposed to announce my giveaway winner for the $50 gift certificate at EdenFantasys at 6pm today.

I forgot.

What? I'm sorry, okay? I took a nap at 4pm and then I woke up at 6:30pm and then I had dinner and then I had about 3 glasses of wine and then I was sitting on the couch watching the news and blah blah blah Super Bowl blah blah blah ohmygod that is totally Terry from Reno 911 and he's wearing a Vikings t-shirt and now I love him even more and blah blah blah holy shit I forgot to do my giveaway.

So ummm, yeah. Giveaway time! Hurray! Only 4.5 hours late! No big deal! Whatever! Shut up!

The randomly picked lucky winner of the EdenFantasys $50 gift certificate is:

Sarah P at Naked Cupcakes!

Sarah said she was going to buy a double labia buzzer with her gift certificate, so look forward to her post about that. It should be very stimulating. Ha! See what I did there? I'm hilarious.

Congratulations Sarah, you lucky little so-and-so. And thanks to everyone for entering the giveaway. Sorry you didn't win, but in every giveaway there must be a few losers and you people are it this time. Get over it already. Geesh. And special thanks to EdenFantasys for sponsoring the giveaway and for making all our sexy time dreams come true.

And now, I leave you with the best photo of me without any makeup on ever taken in the history of ever. Taken today, in the winter wonderland that is Dallas. Because when you think of snow, you think north Texas.

God, I'm adorable.

I Wish I Could Blame This On Being Drunk, But I Do It When I'm Sober Too

I just won three 2011 Boomerang awards over at Studio30+. THREE! I won funniest blogger, best blog title and best female blog. I feel a little guilty on account of me bribing y'all with sex toys for votes, but not enough to give the awards to someone else. Hell no! I'm flaunting those babies all over this motherfucker. Thanks to everyone who voted for me. I hope you win the sex toy giveaway, or at least have some sex or something to make you feel like it was worth your vote.

So we played tennis last weekend with Mailman Mike and his girlfriend. Then we decided to get drunk and sing karaoke, because of course we did. Captain Carl and I did a very special version of the best Earth Wind & Fire song ever made. And since we were still wearing our tennis gear and already sweaty from working out, I decided to bust out some of my sweet dance moves too.

And now I've decided to share that moment with y'all. Consider it my acceptance speech for my Boomerang awards.

Boom. Talent explosion. Right here.



p.s. I don't know how to fix this so it doesn't cut off the right side of the video. It's not like I'm married to a web designer or anything. Oh wait, I am married to a web designer. Meh. Whatever.

p.p.s. Don't forget to enter my EdenFantasys giveaway. It ends on Friday at 6pm and I'm gonna be pissed if I don't get more entries because I spent like, 5 hours reading the kinky stories on their website in preparation for this and shut up, it was totally for research purposes only because I like to be thoroughly informed for my blog giveaways.

I'm Talking Sexy Talk In Here. I'm Also Talking Giveaway. And Laser Cats! Pew Pew! Also, One Of These Things Is Not True.

First of all, if you were hoping that I would be talking about laser cats in this post, you are about to be sorely disappointed, my sad sad friend.

Okay, so Valentine's Day is coming up soon. Women everywhere are fantasizing about what amazing presents they will get from their significant other. And men are...well, they aren't thinking about it at all and let's face it, they won't until maybe February 13 if you're lucky.

Because I'm a woman (hells yeah I am! *sensual self boob honk*), my thoughts have already gone to the place where even the most strong of men fear to tread. That's right, romance town. Oh, how I love romance town. It's that magical place where ladies come home from work to find a trail of rose petals to the bedroom, where their men are waiting with a bubble bath, candles, champagne and a ready-for-cunnilingus face and maybe there are some flowers there and rainbows with unicorns frolicking under them. Also, all the men are George Clooney.

But ladies, let's get real here. How can we expect our men to go all out in the romance department when a) they aren't built to remember to do shit like that and b) we don't usually reciprocate. And by "reciprocate", I mean "give up that kinky, hot, stinky sex they really really like but you only want to do every so often because that position makes your stomach all squishy and sometimes makes you fart for some reason, which is weird because who knew The Reverse Mambo would have that effect? "

And this is where my good friends at EdenFantasys come in. Pay attention. Go to this website. Go there now. Buy something sexy to wear, or something kinky to watch, or something penis-shaped to put in your box. Ha, that kind of rhymed. Watch and box. I'm awesome.

Seriously though, every relationship (especially long-term ones) can use a little spicing up. Don't feel comfortable with a dildo? Then maybe try a sexy outfit instead. Or order an erotic book and read to each other. And if you're single? Oh damn girl, please do yourself a favor and order a vibrator and then use it on Valentine's Day while watching George Clooney in that movie with the two chicks and he's on an airplane a lot and I think maybe he sleeps with one of the chicks or something? and then you can be all "I don't need no stinking man except to maybe open a pickle jar once in awhile and even then not really because I hate pickles!".

It'll be awesome, is what I'm saying.

Here's the other cool thing about EdenFantasys. They have this online community with reviews, forums and my favorite, Sexis, where you can find great articles about all kinds of sexy sex stuff and funny sex stuff and you get the idea. Plus The Bloggess writes there, so you know it has to be kick ass.

Just go over there and check it out, okay? Because something awesome is happening right here and you need to be familiar with their products...just in case you win.

That's right, I'm having a SEX TOY GIVEAWAY. Just like I promised. EdenFantasys has generously offered a $50 gift certificate to be used at their website for one winner here at Yo-Mama's Blog. Okay, so it isn't specifically a sex toy giveaway...I'm just assuming that is what you will pick to order with your gift certificate because that is exactly what I would do. And the giveaway isn't just for my sexy lady readers. I'm an equal opportunity sex toy giveaway-er, so you dudes hanging around here for the sensual boob honks should enter too.

Anyway, here's what you have to do to be eligible to win:

1. Leave a comment here with the item you would buy at EdenFantasys if you win.
   
2. Become a follower of Yo-Mama's Blog, if you aren't already.

To get a bonus entry, you can do one or both of the following:

1. Mention my giveaway in a post on your own blog with a link to this post.
2. Tweet about my giveaway with a link to this post.
   

Please let me know in the comments or via email if you have done one or both of the above for extra entries.

That's it. One winner will be chosen at random on Friday, February 4, to win the $50 EdenFantasys gift certificate.

Good luck, bitches!

Rockin' Out, Lawrence Welk Style

We went out last weekend. We went to a basketball game. After the game we didn't go home and put on our pajamas, but instead went to a bar. And stayed there until 11:30pm. Because we can still party hardcore, yo.

If I Win, You Will Get Sex Toys

Remember how when you were in high school and you really wanted to be part of the popular group, so you started dressing like them and doing your hair like them and following their group through the hallways between classes, inching closer and closer every day and laughing every time they laughed even though you couldn't hear what they were talking about? And then you started dating the best friend of the most popular girl's boyfriend so that you pretty much had to be admitted into the group via tongue kissing and bad hand jobs? And then Homecoming week came and you prayed to baby Jesus that you would just get nominated for queen, because you knew Heidi was totally going to win no matter what but if you could just get a nomination your popularity would completely sky rocket and ohmygod what if I get nominated and give people things in exchange for their votes, like maybe candy bars and condoms and then I end up winning????? So then you have your plan in place to completely usurp Heidi and you're all jumpy and clappy during the pep rally where they announce the nominees for homecoming queen and guess what? You didn't even get nominated. And while you are standing there pretending not to care and totally not crying, you see all the truly popular girls that got nominated giving you the "you'll never really fit in so why bother trying" face?

Remember that? No? Just me then?

Well whatever. Because here I am again, desperately trying to get into the cool people club. Only this time it involves bloggers, not bitchy high school girls or bad hand jobs. Or ummm, any kind of hand jobs...which is kind of too bad because I got really good at that. You know, in case you were wondering. Which I'm sure you are totally not, because why would you wonder about that? Seriously, you people need help.

Anyway, what I'm trying to tell you is that I totally got nominated for something way more awesome than homecoming queen. Suck it, Heidi.

Voting has started for the 2011 Boomerang Awards at Studio30+. I'm up for a few and since I'm desperate for your love and acceptance and also since I learned my lesson in high school, I am bribing you for votes.

*ahem*

VOTE FOR ME AND IN RETURN, I PROMISE TO DO A SEX TOY GIVEAWAY.

ta-da!

Of course, I can't really verify if you actual vote for me or not, but I'm counting on the honor system. And fine, I am doing this giveaway whether you vote for me or not because I feel a little bad about bribing people for votes because it kind of tarnishes the validity of anything I might win. Just like the time my office voted for employee of the month once and I gave everyone lollipops that had little flags attached to the stick that said "Vote for Miss Yvonne" and then I totally won which was awesome but also kind of pathetic. But shut up about it, because I'm making this my campaign platform.

That's right. A sex toys for votes platform. Because I'm a genius.

So go here and vote for me. Or for whoever you like better than me, as long as they aren't named Heidi because I can't take that kind of rejection twice in a lifetime.

And then? SEX. TOY. GIVEAWAY.

This is totally happening.