Thursday, July 22, 2010

The Real (Kick Ass) Me

So I know y'all come here for a laugh. I'm all about the cheap joke and the hilarious stories and the great blow job. I like it that way, too. I want to be the funny girl...I strive to be her. I'm loud and obnoxious and inappropriate. It's what I do best.

But you know, sometimes it's hard to always be funny. I'm like that clown in that old commercial that everyone thinks is hilarious and omg that clown makes me laugh my ass off! but then someone starts a forest fire and one tear falls down the clown's face and wow that is a super powerful moment because who knew that clown had other feelings besides joviality?

I have a point here and it is that I have great tits. I have another point here and it is that there is more to me than humor. I'm a person with real feelings and deep emotions. I am complex, damn it. And I think it's about time for me to show y'all the other facets of my personality.


KIND HEARTED


I am a giver. See my smile? It says "Hey homeless guy. You smell. Here's some deodorant." I care about you. I really really care. Especially if you are hot and are Harry Connick, Jr. If you are Harry, I will care the shit out of you. I will care so much that you won't be able to walk the next morning.


MOTIVATIONAL


I am the friend everyone comes to when they need to feel better about themselves. Down on yourself because your boyfriend dumped you? Let's meet for lunch so I can tell you how amazing you are and how you deserve better and how I may or may not have given him a handy at that one party at your apartment while you were throwing up in the bathroom but only because I was drunk and he kind of looked like Harry Connick, Jr. if I took my glasses off and squinted.


INTROSPECTIVE


I am a very cerebral person. I often spend my time thinking about the complex and important issues that plague our world today. Like war and starving children and why no one has invented a working time machine yet. I mean, I really need a way to go back to 1991 and kick my own ass for dating that douche John and also to 1985 to pick up my awesome turquoise and gray striped legwarmers and banana clips because those bitches are vintage, y'all. I can't believe I didn't keep them.


FAMOUS


Okay, so this isn't really a personality trait and it really hasn't happened anywhere but in my mind yet. But I've totally got the pose down, right?? And! I've got almost 400 followers now, y'all. 400! Plus I figure if this blog doesn't make me famous, my giant man-hands will eventually. Look at my right one up there, all white and giant-y. I can palm a lot of shit with those puppies. (twss)

And last but not least....


AWESOME


Duh.




29 comments:

Lickety Splitter said...

Awesome post! Duh is right. I usually just read, but never fear, you always get silent appreciation from me.

Kurt said...

If you take the "motivational" picture and draw a penis in between your "okay" fingers it's funnier on several levels.

I'm sensitive too.

Megs said...

I kind of want to be you, now. You are awesome.

Also I'm pretty jealous of the great tits.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Is this the wrong time to point out that in the "Introspective" photo, some evil shadow has totally given you a little Mexican guy's mustache? Or at least HALF a mustache?

Other than that, I agree with all of them. You look all of those things for sure. And NOT AT ALL SCARY. :)

Nikki said...

A great rack AND a time machine!! No, no, that would be too much!

P.S. Your blog rocks out with its cock out!

girlloveshockey said...

I just found your blog last week and pretty much I love it. I've read it top to bottom in the last week (while at work, of course). LOVE the inspirational picture! you should be on a billboard!! haha :D

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

You forgot fartsy. GO take a photo for me.

sarah said...

"I will care the shit out of you.", and great tits...Whats not to like!

Ed said...

Wouldn't "great tits" technically count as 2 points?

Didactic Pirate said...

SO unfair that the only person that gets so many facets of you (not to mention hand jobs) is Harry Connick Jr.

Beta Dad said...

Wow. I wish I had a fraction of your depth. That's what she said?

kate said...

Okay, if you figure out the Time Machine thing, swing it on up here to Kansas City and let me have a go. I need to make a stop back to high school to remind 15-year-old me that dating boys who love pot more than you usually isn't a good idea and probably won't ever end well. It would've saved me SO much time over the years...

Rebekah Mae said...

Yeah, you've got the famous look down pat!

marketingtomilk said...

I love you! And your commenters are pretty damn hilarious too.
Rock on!

http://marketingtomilk.wordpress.com

Jules said...

Why does "introspective" look like "Let's have sexy time?"

Are you WANTING sexy time with me? Not saying I'm AGAINST it...just asking. You know. To clarify.

Mel Spillman artwork said...

U are my hero! If I find a banana clip in a Memphis thrift store I will totally send it to you.

Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...

I so agree, and I would totally stalk you, and take ramdom pictures of you picking your nose and sell it to OK Magazine because HEY, a girl gotta eat :)

Houston said...

You are awesome. All the time.

You are also a pretty cool friend. One day our families will have that awesome backyard BBQ with the margarita machine and we will be sooooo blasted.

Keep being you.

Scooter said...

btw i HEART you. if i was homeless id hope you'd give me deodorant!

Joanna Jenkins said...

You are all those things and more ! ! ! !

And I love that you took all the photos of yourself in the car :-)

Keep up the good work saving the planet.

And stop by, I'm having another giveaway.

xo jj

justmakingourway said...

Seriously. I think you should be my mentor.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

You are awesome...and beautiful!

Love ya!

Jugs@@

SumSum said...

you forgot...
"Multi-Faceted"
Able to take multiple pictures in multiple positions while obeying every traffic signal in puppet land...

Vel said...

You remind me a little of Lindsey Lohan in your paparazzi photo...well, except you look sober. And there's no writing on your fingers.

otherworldlyone said...

First of all, I save up a few weeks of your posts and read them all in one sitting because it's like getting high...which I'm not allowed to do anymore because I'm a parent and shit.

Second of all, you SHOULD be famous.

And third...how the fuck do you have a college age child? That's no flattery, it's genuine shock.

A Kitchen Witch said...

You're pretty funny! Thanks for making me smile today. Hugs from another TX momma

Crystal said...

Awesome is right!!

Hayley M. Werth said...

I think we might have the same engagement ring/wedding band set. Also I have giant hands too. Also I think we are the same person. Have you ever seen the two of us in the same room together? Hmmm.

Chelle said...

OMG. I totally have man hands, too!

*GIANT high five* In fact, with these man hands of ours, we can *high eight*.

*high 8*