Tuesday, January 17, 2012

And That's How I Ended Up With My Fingers Glued Together On A Tuesday Night

So I found this new website. It's called Pinterest. Heard of it? Probably not, on account of how I tend to catch these trends way before everyone else does. I'm pretty sure it was just created in the last couple of months, since that is when I found it. And now I'm telling you guys about it because that's how much I care. You're welcome.

Pinterest is this site where people "pin" pictures of things they like or want. It's basically like a virtual bedroom wall or something. Maybe a bulletin board? Ohmygod...pin. I just got that.


So when I first found Pinterest, I didn't get what the big deal was. Sure, it's kind of a good resource if you're looking for a new recipe or a craft to do with your kid or whatever. I pinned a few things and then left the site for weeks.

Then I came back to search for some photography that would inspire me on an upcoming shoot I had scheduled.

It was all downhill from there.

This place. It's like crack for women who secretly want to make their own soap and dress like a bohemian and redecorate their home and do crafts that make their friends hate them for how creative they are and make teeny tiny cakes in recycled tin cans (for real...it's out there).

I couldn't stop. Because if I did, I might miss an adorable kitten photo. Or a gorgeous dress that I could never ever fit into.

Suddenly I realized that I hated every paint color in my house and I must redo everything immediately. I became enamored of chalk paint. What the fuck is chalk paint anyway? I have no fucking idea, but I want that shit. I want to slap it on every goddamn dresser I own. And then I want to distress the shit out of those dressers. Then I want to wrap every single present I ever give ever with lace doilies. And then I want to make all my own household cleaners by simply combining 13 other products that I have to go out and buy but who cares because look! homemade fucking cleaner. And then I want to paint my fingernails with every fucking OPI color on the planet and then take a picture of my hand holding the goddamn bottle of polish.

And then just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I discovered the coffee filter crafts. Oh. Dear. God.

If you haven't seen the coffee filter pins out there, go search for them and prepare to be astounded. You can make wreaths. You can make flowers. You can make wrapping paper. There is no end to the usefulness of the wonder that is the dollar store coffee filter.

Some of the projects looked a little hard for an entry level crafter like me. But I found one that looked to be simple.

The coffee filter lamp shade.

All you have to do is scrunch up a filter, dab a little hot glue on the end and stick it to the lamp shade. Do it over and over until the entire shade is covered and looky there...you got yourself a cute little lamp.

I rushed right out to the dollar store and bought the filters. I grabbed an old lamp that I wasn't using anymore, ripped off the shade and set to work. I was giddy with excitement. In a mere 30 minutes or so, my very first Pinterest craft would be completed! I would take pictures and post them here and give a tutorial for everyone asking me how I did it and I'd be all brag facey and It. Would. Be. Awesome.

Ten minutes and six filters later, I had lost feeling in my fingertips on account of the hot glue gun burns. My filters looked more like wilted lettuce than perky flowers. I realized that at this rate, it would take me three hours to finish the shade. I began to think about the fire hazard that is a lamp shade covered in paper and mere inches from a light bulb. I decided that my lamp base would now need to be painted a cute robins egg blue in order to compliment the frivolity of the shade, which would require another trip to the store and more crafty effort.

I got tired. I sat back in my chair and stared into space.

Fucking Pinterest, I thought.

It was then that I realized I had left the hot glue gun sitting on the bare wood of my office desk. It was leaking glue all over the surface, so I frantically wiped at it with my bare hand. Then the screaming began, followed closely by me yelling "My fingers are stuck together! Help me!". I received nohttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif sympathy from Captain Carl.

"I told you to just buy a new lamp."

And now I am searching Pinterest for ways to resurface a desktop. I'm pretty sure this can only end well.

p.s. You can follow my boards on Pinterest by clicking here. But you don't have to or anything. I mean, whatever. I don't even care.

p.p.s. I'm guest posting over at The Mouthy Housewives today! I'm giving advice to a woman who's upset about how much her husband likes to masturbate. Among other things, I suggested she dress up like Princess Leia in the gold bikini. So yeah, I'm practically a psychologist now.


kyouell said...

I'm a Pinterest noob. I can't understand why I get 0 search results for something that I got screens full of results just a few days before. Where did they go? They're still on my boards so wth?

Anyway, you funny. I followed you there. Once I figured out how to log in.

Wow, that was awkward said...

I'm gonna be just fine never ever going to pinterest. Just like the Olive Garden. Seems decent enough, not unpleasant, but really, why fucking bother?

Eva Gallant said...

Sounds like way too much work to me!

qandlequeen said...

See, I'm all smart and shit and won't try to do those idiotic crafts. I have self control. I am awesome. Of course I don't HAVE TIME BECAUSE I'M REPINNING EVERY FUCKING PICTURE ON PINTEREST. Bastards. I'll follow you. I hope you have awesome shit to repin.

The Jules said...

Mmm . . . gluey coffee . . .

Vinny C said...

Thanks for the "warning" last thing is another site to get hooked on.

But, maybe I'll still check it out & see what the fussy is all about. Just for a second...

Ed said...

My wife got hooked on that shit a couple months back.

It turned into a bunch of "Honey do" lists for me, and a bunch of fire hazards created by her.

For our anniversary, I did make her these board things that you hang kids school artwork on, that was supposed to be easily made of scrap materials and cost practically nothing.
-2 boards (sanded, painted, drilled, and hung on wall)
-12 metal clips (mounted to boards)
-Total cost: $38
-Build Time: 4 hours

Fuck Pinterest.

kcr said...

Welcome to the addiction. I've been addicted to home and food blogs for a couple of years, so Pinterest is like fucking nirvana for me.

Jocelyn said...

This is why I am very afraid to go very deep into Pininterest. I has a skeered.

Brandy Rose said...

I have yet to check out pinterest, but I get on those crafty kicks all the time and it never turns out like the pics I found them in.

Logical Libby said...

Have you considered mod podge? I think you can find ideas on Pinterest...

Jaclyn said...

I have been avoiding Pinterest because I know I'll end up doing all the things.

Now, about the glue gun burns. As an experienced crafter, you don't learn to burn yourself less. You just learn that glue gun burns mean you are doing a good job. Glue guns burns are the equivalent of when Martha Stewart tried to smuggle spices into jail in her vagina. That was definitely the story right? My point is that you have to commit.

Gia said...


Oh no. I probably should not have been told this.

Linda said...

"Fucking Pinterest, I thought." I just cracked up laughing. Out loud. A genuine LOL. People in my office are looking at me...

jbg said...

Holy shit, yes to all of this. I read this laughing and nodding my head to every bit of it. Fucking Pinterest (I love you!).

diane said...

After seeing how much trouble you've managed to get into on Pinterest, I've decided not to tell you about the site where you can fake a dedication to yourself on any Harry Connick Jr. recording of your choosing. Who knows where that would lead you.

SueBee said...

Okay, I haven't even tried out Pinterest and probably shouldn't! I really enjoy your blog and read this entry because I wanted to feel better about myself...ie. to know I'm not the only person who glues her fingers together! Hehehe! By the way, I am no longer allowed to use Super Glue (according to my husband) on account of these types of incidents...

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