Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I'm So Deep Undercover, Even I Didn't Know I Was An Agent.

I'm in my office with my partner, DZ. We're doing paperwork. Just another boring day as an FBI agent. So boring, in fact, that I can't help but stare blindly out my window at the lovely field of trees and what is that, wheat maybe? waving softly in the breeze. No, wait. It's sweet corn. Apparently the FBI headquarters are in the middle of rural Minnesota. Weird.

Anyway, so there I am, staring out the window, when I see a little child running up the dirt path to the building's front door. I guess budget cuts have hit so hard, the FBI can't afford concrete these days. The boy is holding a paper airplane over his head and pretending to fly it. He is smiling and laughing.

"Hey, look at that kid", I say to DZ.

"How did he get way out here?", she asks.

Suddenly, I see a dark shadow pass quickly over the field and the little boy. He stops running and freezes in place, staring at the sky. And then he disappears. Just disappears into thin air.

"What the hell?", I yell.

"Where did he go?", DZ asks.

"Did you see that shadow?", I reply.

"What shadow?", DZ asks.

Damn that girl asks a lot of questions.

And so begins another FBI: Fringe Division case. Children are disappearing all over the country. First three, then five, then dozens are missing.

And every time one disappears, I see a shadow fly across the sky. Huge and dark.

No one else can see it. So I am put in charge of the case.

"We are connecting you to this brain reading machine thingy", says my boss.

"Every time you see that shadow, you tell me. Our computer program thingy will read your brain waves or whatever and pinpoint the location of the next disappearance before it happens."

"Wow, that's pretty fucking cool. I love technology", I reply. "Also, you're kind of hot in a weirdly intense and bald way."

And so we begin. And then something something I forget some of the details but the trail leads to some big mansion for some reason and then we're all inside it and I'm all talking to my partner, DZ, and then the shadow goes by and DZ disappears and I'm all "DZ!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!" all dramatically.

And then this shit gets really intense, y'all. I look up at the ceiling and all the children that disappeared are floating down from the sky and into the house. But it's only their bodies...I can see that their minds are gone. And then I hear a noise behind me and I turn around and standing there is an alien!


And then I'm sitting on an air mattress. It is dark, but I can tell I'm in my parent's family room in Arizona. Captain Carl is sleeping next to me. I look around wildingly and see a red light flashing through the window in the door leading into the hallway.

I run through the door and into the hallway, where my dad is just coming out of the bathroom dressed only in his boxers.

Dad: What's wrong?

Me: What?

Dad: What?

Me: Huh?

Dad: What?

Me: Do you have your hearing aid in, Dad?

Dad: What?

Me: *yelling* Did you see the alien?

Dad: Alien?

Me: Yes, did you see it?

Dad: *blink*

Me: Where is that flashing red light coming from?

Dad: Flashing light?

Me: *grabbing his shoulder* Dad! There is a flashing red light in here!

Dad: Are you sleep walking?

Me: What? No! I saw a flashing red light!

Dad: Oh, it's probably the smoke detector. It does that sometimes.

Me: Smoke detector? I feel dizzy. Maybe it's carbon dioxide!

Dad: What?

Me: *yelling into his good ear* Carbon! Dioxide!

Dad: You mean carbon monoxide poisoning?

Me: No! Yes! Whatever! We have to get Mom and The Captain out!

Dad: *laughing* That must have been some dream.

Me: What? Dream? *looking around* Right. I was dreaming. Okay, that explains it.

Dad: Go back to bed.

Me: Damn. I was such a kick ass FBI agent too.

And that is exactly why you should never drink margaritas 5 days in a row on vacation.


Moooooog35 said...

All I learned from this is to never trust my carbon monoxide detector.

Thanks for the tip!

Vinny C said...

I like when they refer to it as "Our computer program thingy".

Megs said...

I like that I'm not the only person who finds Lt. Daniels weirdly sexy in an intense bald way.

Eva Gallant said...

LOL! That is too funny!

Debbie said...

I loved this. The mind is a wonderful thing.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Only you could write a post about a dream and make it funny.

(I hope everyone else heard me say that. ONLY MISS YVONNE, YOU GUYS!! Seriously!!)

mizzbrizz said...

OMG! I was LMFAO reading this. You rock and I totally love Fringe!

Miss Rosie said...

oh I love this! I have sat up in the bed so many times at night screaming out something completely random from my dreams.
When I was in HS I worked at McD's and at night I would dream I was working the drive thru window from my bed. I would try to hand orders over to the night stand.


laughingmom said...

Loved your story - I yell in my dad's good ear all of the time - but he's the type that would have insisted on taking apart and then testing the smoke detector and in the process waking up and scaring the crap out of everyone.

Sarah P said...

You obviously haven't been playing enough bocce ball at the retirement community.

~~kym~~ said...

The mind...just pure creative genius.

Ed said...

Its a known fact, Aliens use carbon monoxide to render you unconscious for anal probing.

Lazarus said...

There's a movie in there. I hope Spielberg doesn't read your blog and steal this one...

Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...

awwww, you yell on your daddy's ear too!!!
dang my dreams are boring, all I ever dream is giving head to Keanu Reeves

bumpkinabee said...

argh I always get the craziest dreams after watching fringe. also totally starting to get the whole sexy lt. daniels thing too.

BugginWord said...

It's air mattresses. They recreate that whole sleeping in the womb thing. Also it probably just reminded your body of the time it spent in zero gravity while you were getting probed.

Anonymous said...

It was aliens. You were in Arizona.

Don't trust the government.

Jonah Gibson said...

Okay, I am totally switching from martinis to margaritas. I can't get anything near as interesting as this going with the gin and vermouth, even when I swap out the pimento stuffed green olives for kalamatas stuffed with golden raisins.

Mollie said...

It's stuff like this that makes me happy to be in blogworld.

tattytiara said...

Those are great shoes. What would you call that color - ruby?

Great post!

Robby said...

Great piece! Steven Spielberg should read this..