Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Rock Hard Hemorrhoids

Okay, I admit it. I read 50 Shades of Grey.

Okay fine. I read all three of those stupid books. I say stupid because they are. Very stupid. The writing is terrible, the plot is ridiculous. The characters are borderline unlikeable. But the sex scenes. Oh, the sex scenes make up for all of that.

Here's a confession that will surprise none of you. I love romance novels. LOVE. They are silly and dumb and totally forgettable once I've finished them. But I love them anyway. ESPECIALLY if the author throws in some good sex scenes. A romance novel without a sex scene is like a fireman without a hose.

 Mmmm...firemen...

Anyway. So of course I would read the 50 Shades books. Such was my mania to get busy reading them that I did something I never do. I paid full price for them to be downloaded to my Kindle. Then I devoured them. I mean, it's not hard to read them quickly on account of how awful they are. And by awful I mean super naughty hot.

 So you know how when you buy something on Amazon and it gives you recommendations for future purchases? After I bought the 50 Shades books, I was bombarded with smutty book suggestions. I promptly downloaded the free samples and added them to my Amazon wishlist. Every. Single. One. Then I moved on with my life for a few weeks, blissfully unaware of how this decision could possibly affect me in the very near future.

Flash forward to today. I'm eating lunch at my desk at work and decide to google myself. This is something my IT husband suggests I do periodically, just to see what people are putting out there about me. So I googled and nothing surprising came up. Then a thought came to me. I've never googled my maiden name. I type it in and start scrolling down.  

Huh. This site knows the day I got married and is telling the world how old I am. How rude. 

*scrolling*

Hmmm, garbage garbage garbage...nothing interesting... 

*more scrolling* 

Oh look! My Amazon wishlist shows up on the first page of google with my maiden name. Weird. 

*clicks link to wishlist*

Shit. 

Ohmygod. I put all those smutty books on my wishlist. This is public???? How can this be public????? All of my ex-boyfriends could be reading it! They'll know that someday I wish to read "Rock Hard"! Ohmygod WHY DID I PUT THAT ON MY WISHLIST! I mean....Rock Hard??? Could there be a more ridiculous title? 

*desperately scrolling through wishlist* 

Wait. I put a Chinese hemorrhoid cream on there? How long ago did I do that??? Oh my sweet Lord, I don't even remember that! It must have been on there for anyone to see for years!  My ex's think I have hemorrhoids!  Jesus!!!!!!

Because of course my ex-boyfriends are googling me. I mean, I googled them once. How else would I know that my high school sweetheart is now a mediocre weight lifter and still wears black heavy metal t-shirts and the guy I almost married is now almost completely bald (yessss....air punch!)? I thought THAT stuff was embarrassing, but it doesn't even come close to the mortification that is ROCK HARD HEMORRHOIDS.

And now I don't remember any of the smutty books I wanted to download because I deleted them all off my wishlist in a blind panic.

Damn you, Amazon.

15 comments:

Mandy_Fish said...

I'll one up you. My Amazon wish list was made so long ago, with a work email where I am no longer employed.

SO I CAN NEVER DELETE IT.

Toe said...

That shit is public!!!! Holy cow, now I have to look at what I put on there.

Miss Yvonne said...

@Mandy_Fish: That is the things nightmares are made of.

@Toe: I know, right????

Eva Gallant said...

That was hilarious!!!

yetisaurus said...

I just found out there are 9 whole people in the United States with my exact same name. You know what they call that? Plausible deniability. In fact, I might start adding even weirder crap to my Amazon wish list just to try to mess with the other Amy Howses.

SRR said...

I believe you can make those wish lists private. I least I think I have made mine private. I better check!

Michon said...

At least now I know what to buy you for Christmas!!

Miss Yvonne said...

@yetisaurus: You, ma'am, are a genius.

@SRR: I found that out on twitter. I feel really stupid now. I mean, more than I usually do.

@Michon: YES PLEASE.

Just Keepin It Real, Folks! said...

Oh this is awesome news!!! I'm going to mess with lots of people's minds with my warped Amazon wish list. I had no idea it was public. Thanks so much for the inspiration.

Joanna Jenkins said...

This is why I missed you... You crack me up.

Now I'm off to google myself.

(Praying no embarrassing info - fingers crossed)

xo jj

a.eye said...

Did not know those could be public!! Thanks for the heads up and sorry your was out there with... though glad you erased it!

Off to go Google myself!

lilkittin said...

OMG I had just put a poorly timed bite of mashed potatoes in my mouth before reading about your rock hard hemorrhoids... I have potato suck in my sinuses now.

Thanks for that :)

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