Friday, September 24, 2010

14 Hour Super Manic Crazy Arms Energy Drink

I was dragging yesterday at work. I’m having a hard time getting back in the swing of things after being on vacation for a week. I decided to try an energy drink for the first time in my life because I had shit to get done. So I walked over to the gas station across the street and found something called Seven Hour Revitalizer. I’ve heard of 5 Hour Energy but never tried it. I figured an extra two hours would be even better.

Yeah, probably wasn't a good idea.

2:00pm: Drink entire mango flavored energy beverage.
2:01pm: Chug a Diet Coke to get rid of rancid mango flavor in mouth.
2:20pm: Walk to bathroom. Realize I have weird tingly sensation in upper arms.
2:25pm: Stare at self in bathroom mirror while shaking arms. Tingling intensifies. Weird.
2:45pm: Left leg seems to be twitching a lot.
2:50pm: Decide twirling around and around in my chair is a great idea.
3:00pm: Notice hands are shaking.
3:15pm: Think about how weird belly buttons are.
3:30pm: Cotton mouth. Chug another Diet Coke.
3:39pm: Stare at McDonald’s cup until words begin to blur. Become convinced there’s a hidden message.
3:45pm: Get sweaty armpits.
3:50pm: Get heartburn.
4:00pm: Contemplate if sitting in office cube is really happening or is just a figment of someone else’s imagination.
4:02pm: Become convinced someone is standing right behind me. Look quickly over shoulder multiple times in attempt to catch them.
4:10pm: Seem to have developed some kind of facial tic.
4:15pm: Realize I can see new colors behind my eyelids.
4:16pm: Dig empty bottle of energy beverage out of garbage. Attempt to read ingredients.
4:17pm: Search for glasses on desk, in purse, under desk, in office plant. Freak out and yell “OHMYGOD, I LOST MY GLASSES!”
4:18pm: Realize glasses are on face. Attempt to read ingredients again.
4:19pm: Bottle says “Contains 2 Servings”. Get a little nervous.
4:20pm: Directions on bottle say “Always begin with ¼ bottle to assess tolerance. Never exceed more than ½ bottle per 7 hours.”
4:21pm: Realize that I have ingested 14 hours of energy. Contemplate panicking.
4:22pm: Decide best solution is to lay on back on cubicle floor.
4:23pm: Ask cube mates if they can see my heart beating through my shirt.
4:24pm: Yell at cube mates “What? I can’t hear you over this rushing sound in my ears! Can y’all hear that? Ohmygod! The ocean is IN. MY. EARS.”.
4:30pm: Walk to bathroom. Try not to tip over. Decide splashing water on face will help.
4:40pm: Walk back to cube. Cube mates ask why right side of hair and front of shirt is soaking wet. Pretend to have no idea what they are talking about.
4:41pm: Take off shoes because toenails feel funny.
4:45pm: Field phone call from vendor. Ask vendor “Is it weird that I can’t feel my tongue?”.
4:55pm: Stare at own reflection in window. Flare nostrils. Laugh hysterically.
4:58pm: Pack up and leave office. Wonder why all the building lights are flickering.
5:00pm: Try three times to fit key into ignition with shaking hands.
5:01pm: Begin drive home.
5:05pm: See Dunkin’ Donuts.
5:20pm: See Jack in the Box.
5:40pm: See Sonic.
5:50pm: Pull into driveway.
6:30pm: On sofa. Have no recollection of how I got there. Wonder why I am surrounded by two dozen donuts, 12 tacos and three chocolate shakes.


Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

You. Complete. Me.

Chris said...

Funniest. blog. post. ever.

Wow, that was awkward said...

Hilarious. I once spent a half hour tearing up my house and emptying my car looking for my sunglasses. Which were propped on my head on my Cubs hat.

nova said...

OH I HATE THAT STUFF! It makes my cheeks and ears turn bright red for hours. And yeah, I get the rushing noise and shakes and everything too.

Kurt said...

The same thing happened to me after I banged your mom. Okay not all of it. Just the tacos part.

Fragrant Liar said...

So, was this a positive review? I think I'm gonna pass on the 7-Hour Revitalizer, but thanks anyway!

Anonymous said...

I WAS going to say that I bet you lost a lot of weight. THEN I read the end. DAMN. So close to finding the perfect weight loss solution.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

There was no energy drink at all, was there, Miss Yvonne. Nice try.

I read the title as "Maniac crazy arms" so I thought you were doing the fast run with your arms going all fast up and down your legwarmered thighs. Then I'd point to you and say "Waiter, I'll have what she's having." I know I just combined Flashdance and When Harry Met Sally. When Harry Met Flashdance. When Flash Met Dance.

This was a super funny post.

Twisted Susan said...

For old time's sake I might try a can recreationally.

Beta Dad said...

We used to get these pills called "Max Alert" from 7-11 when I was in college. For staying awake on road trips, studying, going to raves, taping shredded credit card offers hijinx. Then they stopped selling them because they are made of ephedrine, the main ingredient in meth. Sounds like 7-hr Panic Attack could kick Max Alert's ass.

Moooooog35 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Moooooog35 said...

Typical Tuesday for me, really.

justmakingourway said...

I think you should try the 5-hour energy drink too, just to compare the crazy.

Ed said...

Way to Man Up!

That 1/4 bottle serving shit is for pussies.

littlemissgemini said...

Seven Hour Revitalizer sounds like a dollar store rip-off of an already awful product. Scary.

Megs said...

Uh, good job not having a caffeine induced heart attack?


Mrs. Booms said...

My favorite part is how you fit 14 hours of awesome into just a few short hours.

You're mostly my hero.

Which is why this is the ONLY blog I comment on.


Mrs. Booms said...

Oh and probably why my profile picture next to this comment was taken by you as well.

Anonymous said...

I started laughing so hard I fell off my chair! Your post was so boyfriend was wondering if I was having a panic attack...I love you!