Sunday, September 19, 2010

My Family Went To Minnesota And All I Got Was Bieber Fever

So I'm back from vacation. I didn't tell y'all about it (again) because Captain Carl is convinced that somehow one of you crazies figured out my real name and where I live and are just waiting for me to announce an extended time away so you can break into my house, eat my food, molest my cats and sniff my panties. But ha! Jokes on you because I never leave dirty panties when I go on vacation.

We spent a week with my parents in Minnesota. I was inebriated approximately 75% of the time, courtesy of my mom's brandy slush. Ever had a brandy slush? No? Get me up to 500 followers and I'll give you the recipe. You gotta work for it, bitch.

My dad has leukemia and was on a week long break from chemo while we were there. My mom is diabetic and found out the day before we left that she has to start on insulin shots. Sounds like a non-stop party, right?

Okay, so it wasn't exactly the most relaxing of vacations. But I adore my parents and miss them terribly when we are apart. So I did my best to savor every moment and then sobbed myself to sleep on our last night there. I do it every time we go and all Captain Carl can do is lay there and pat my back until I'm done.

And then we drove 18 hours straight to get home the next day. Awesome. I slept until noon today and have the worst travel/brandy slush hangover known to mankind. And tomorrow I get to go back to my job.

Well, fuck.

I had what was probably the most meaningful conversation I've ever had with my 13 year old niece, let's call her Red, while I was up there.

Me: How's school, Red?
Red: It's okay. We have, like, only 4 minutes of passing time between classes this year.
Me: Is that bad?
Red: Yes, we had 5 minutes last year.
Me: Well that sucks.
Red: I know! We have to, like, run to our classes.
Me: You should run for student council and then you could change that.
Red: We voted for student council last week and the teacher told us we should tell whoever gets voted on about what we don't like and they can, like, say something to, like, the principal or something.
Me: You better track down your councilman and bitch about the 4 minutes.
Red: And also they play really stupid music during passing time.
Me: Like what?
Red: Like some kind of old stuff.
Me: They should play Justin Bieber.
Red: Ohmygod yeah!
Me: I heard you love him.
Red: Ohmygod yeah! I am, like, his biggest fan.
Me: Maybe you should suggest that your school have a Justin Bieber class.
Red: I could totally teach that class.
Me: Hmmm..I don't know if you know enough about him.
Red: He's 16 years old, his favorite color is purple, his favorite meal is spaghetti and his favorite type of food is Italian...
Me: What's his favorite breakfast?
Red: I don't know.
Me: You better find out or they'll never let you teach that class.
Red: He won't let anyone touch his hair...
Me: Well I can see why. It's so, ummmm, Bieber-y?
Red: Only his hairstylist can touch it.
Me: Probably because he'd lose his powers if it got cut too short.
Red: Maybe...
Me: He's like the modern Samson.
Red: What?
Me: Except instead of strength, his power is his beautiful girlish voice.
Red: He's not girlish!
Me: Listen, don't waste your time on Justin Bieber. He'll only break your heart when he comes out in a few years...
Red: What are you talking about?
Me: Two words. George. Michael.
Red: You are so weird.


RinnieKirk said...

I can totally understand you crying yourself to sleep when you have to leave! I lost my mommy in May last year and I miss her terribly and would like nothing more than to be eating Brandy slush with her! I'm working on that whole 500 followers thing cuz I REALLY want that recipe!

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Hey, I knew somebody was having fun around here last week! ("Here" being Minnesota.) I never announce our trips ahead of time either. Sorry your folks are having problems, but I'm sure they loved having you here. And I loved your conversation with Red.

VM Sehy Photography said...

Thank you once again for totally cheering me up with your awesome sense of humor. Sorry that your parents are having a rough time. That sucks. You are so wrong to encourage your neice with this whole Justin what's his name person. My husband won't let me say anything about vacation either for the same reasons. And I'm still in mourning over George Michael. Hey it's only been 21 years.

Didactic Pirate said...

Some life lessons you just can't teach. The younglings have to learn the truth about androgynous pop stars on their own. I tried explaining to a friend's daughter that The Jonas Brothers are actually robots with smooth areas instead of actual genitalia, but she refuses to believe.

Beta Dad said...

Brandy Slush! Dammit that sounds good.

Parents really can be rude with all their "aging" and "illness." I guess that's how they get back at us.

diane said...

I laughed so hard at the last part that I totally forgot for a minute about the hard time you are going through. It sucks when your parents get old. I'm sorry for that honey.
On a note about Justin Beiber, your niece might really have had a meltdown if you had started in on how short he is, and how he couldn't find his way onto the stage at an award show, and how his sunglasses make him look even smaller, hahaha. Or how about how he couldn't sing his way out of a tin can, so that's the real reason why he should sing over the school intercom, cause the music there sucks anyway.

Moooooog35 said...

Justin Beiber is a BOY?!?!?

Are you sure it's not Justine Bieber?

The shit you learn over here.

Jules said...

NICE! Once again, you've shown me how to be a better aunt to my young niece. You showed me how to be a better aunt to my older niece when you visited your niece that was in college, and now, I know how to hold a more intellectual conversation with my 12 year old niece.

Thank you.

P.S. Word verfication "outed"

Leslie said...

LMAO George Michael... awww

So my word verification is lazed. I take this as a sign that you are to call in...

April said...

I had to re-read the first line. I thought you said you just got back from the vatican. And I about pooped myself.

Kristine said...

I am that crazy. I am that panty-sniffer.

Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...

Damm you George Michael. Another one that got hurt by you. I was so loving those tight jeans*sigh*
I'm so with you with the parents (at least Dad, cause I don't really care for the Mom-ster)he lives 3½ hrs by plane and it breaks my heart I can't enjoy his last years with him.
Oh, and I totally dig the Bieber...never mind my oldest is older than him. Mary Kay Letourneau who? gross
How did your husband know I was gonna molest the cats?

kate said...

I had heard OF Justin Bieber, but I hadn't ever actually HEARD Justin Bieber...then - one innocent day - I was driving along and listening to the radio when this horrible ear-rape of a song started up. I stared in shock at the speakers while this monsterous word-vomit continued pouring out. It was terrible.

Then I heard the chorus.

"You're an eeny-meeny-miny-mo luvah! You're an eeny-meeny-miny-mo luvah, giiiiiiirl!"

The DJ annouced that it was Bieber's super-awesome new single.

I can't help but feel like I was robbed of three minutes of my life listening to that. The poor, poor tweens of America. How sad for you all.

Lindsay said...

It's ok. I don't mind sniffing clean panties...

Zoe Right said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Zoe Right said...

Jesus Christ- I barely have time to whore out for my own followers but ummmm brandy slush.

Might have to put in some overtime.

Kurt said...

"Brandy slut" is what we used to call your mom. She must have misheard.

Megs said...

Am I the only person on the planet who actually finds Justin Bieber creepy? Like, really creepy. I'm thinking maybe he actually only eats, like, the bodies of his enemies or something.

And what real 16 year old boy would say his favorite color is purple?

I am so on to him. Also, I slept with a crucifix the night he appeared in my town.

Ed said...

That reminds me of a convo I had with my 11 yr old.

Him: "The girls at school are all excited about some upcoming concert."
Me: "Really? Who is coming in concert?"
Him: "Justin Beaver, or something."
Me: *blink,blink* "Bieber?"
Him: "Yeah. That's it."
Me: "I'd rather see beaver in concert."

Hippo Brigade said...

First of all, brandy slushi? hum...
and secondly, bieber is so gay. I pretty sure there's some clause somwhere that says,once you style your hair like a girl, you're no longer allowed to find girls attractive.

Fragrant Liar said...

Yeah, my six-year-old nanagirl, Miss America, insists the kid's name is Justin Beaver, no matter how many times I tried to change her mind on it. So now, he's beaver to me. And so yeah, George Michael is apropos.

I'm trying to get to 500 too. You better be following me!

Joanna Jenkins said...

You cracked me up at the end but I'm still so sorry about your folks. I'll send extra prayer their way.

xo jj

Sacred Yoli said...

Awwwww, I am never disappointed when I get my lazy butt to click on my blog subscriptions!

Your creativity rocks almost as much as that lil Beiber Kiddo. j/k.

OMG, When I was your niece's age, I lusted after a very tiny Prince!

SumSum said...

umm, hate to break it to you but you did leave a pair of dirty panties behind...