Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Today I’d Like To Punch All Teenage Girls In Their Collective Faces

Only because they are so stupid. Oh so so so stupid. Still. I was really hoping they would have evolved a bit since I was one 20 years ago. But no. Nope. They are exactly the same, except with less rolling of the jeans and mall bangs.

Bunny is still moping over my boy. It’s been 3 months since he broke up with her. I remember what it’s like to get dumped when you are that age and I know it sometimes takes longer than 3 months to get over it. But seriously. The girl needs to stop, because my son? Not really thinking about her. I want to grab her by her cute little arms and shake her and yell “snap out of it!".

I have tried to talking to her several times over the summer. I’ve told her in the nicest way possible that he’s not ready to be the young man she wants him to be. And she nods her head and says she gets it, but girlfriend is lying because she keeps posting shit like this on her facebook wall.

9-8-10…the day that should have been but never was.

Yesterday would have been their 1st dating anniversary if they had stayed together.

Yeah. It’s just that pathetic, y’all.

The girl is in her senior year. The boy she is hung up on is now in college and has moved on. Way way on. So I’m thinking about sending her another email with all the for reals true reasons why she needs to get over it.

Here's what I've got so far...

1. The boy has already been with at least two girls at college. I know this because for some reason, he feels the need to share this information with his father.


2. See number 1 above. See it a lot. Lots and lots of times. Burn it into your brain. The boy is a man whore. He will be until at least the age of 23. I cannot stress this enough. He asked us for two things before he left for college: A laptop and a monthly supply of condoms. This is not a joke. I wish it were, but it srsly is so not a joke.


3. I love him, but damn the boy is gross. I mean, I am seriously concerned for his dental hygiene while he is away at college. Because I was still reminding him the week before he moved to brush his teeth every day. So basically he's walking around with fuzzy stink teeth. You don't want nay part of that, my dear.


4. Did I mention he’s gross? Because he’ll wear dirty socks and underwear if he’s out of clean ones. Several times.


5. Let’s play a game, shall we? I’ll ask you a question and you say the first thing that comes to your mind. Okay, here we go. Apushoversayswhat?


6. He thinks he’s God’s gift to women. Please please please…I beg you to stop perpetuating that delusion.


7. Did I mention the dirty underwear thing?


8. He's an uninformed voter and will probably vote straight Republican like his great-grandfather. Save yourself before it's too late. I bring you this message from the inside. It's not pretty here. There are guns and Newt Gingrich biographies. Run.


9. He loves Buckethead.


10. He's 18 years old. Therefore, he is a jerkface. To you. Not to me. To me he is my sweet, loving baby. To you he is a jerkface. This is something you already know but seem to be willing to forget. Need I remind you of the time he dumped a water bottle on you because "it would be freakin' hilarious"? Yeah. Jerkface.


And then I'm going to wrap it up with this little bit of advice...


You’re a sweet girl, but seriously…you need to grow a set and stop posting that shit on facebook. You are not helping your cause here. Boys don’t want to read that…it makes them run faster and further away. Not only will you never hear from my boy again, all the other boys will avoid you too. What you need to do is post something like “So glad I’m single! Having the best time porking all your loser friends that didn’t go to college and are still living at home!” Then say you’re thinking about becoming bisexual.


p.s. I apologize for that last one. Totally inappropriate for me to say that. But it would totally work if you are looking for a date on Friday night. Just sayin’. You didn’t hear it from me.

36 comments:

Untypically Jia said...

This chick needs a good dose of some angry girl music. Anger trumps grief in a breakup any day!

Krista said...

Where were you when I was in high school? LOVE this! It's what every teenage girl needs to hear.

Kurt said...

Any girl who claims she loves "porking" is automatically more desirable to me. That and if she makes slide whistle noises when she has orgasms. But that is more of a wish my heart makes though.

Ed said...

That list basically describes me. Which makes you my mom. Which means those thoughts I've been having about you are bad.

Seriously, Boy sounds AWESOME! I'm in love with him too now!

Although, if Bunny decides that she IS bisexual, me and my lady friend are free this Friday night. *wink*

♫ Songbird ♫ said...

Best. Advice. Ever!!!

Moooooog35 said...

A month supply of condoms for me would be, like, 1/5 of a condom.

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

after reading this post, i'm not only bugged out by teenage girls, i'm also completely repulsed by teenage boys. thanks for that.

also thanks for the fucking NIGHT.TERRORS i will be having from buckethead.

Megan said...

Totally threw up in my mouth a little when reading her facebook post. I'm thinking your open letter complete with bullet points should be modified and given to all teenage girls in health classes everywhere.

The Barreness said...

I'm actually thrilled that teenaged girls are still as stupid as ever.

I revel in th knowledge that, though they have youth and beauty and bits that don't crack when they stand up, I at least have knowledge and finesse.

And an anonymous Facebook page.

See? Knowledge.

- B x

Bambi said...

Yavonne- I have been silently reading your blog for a looooong time. It is days like today, when my own eyes wont stop leaking that I turn to your blog like a junkie to a crack pipe... in search of something to make me forget....... and there you are, all glowy and hilarious with your REAL issues and your REAL cat puke and you make me smile. You truly are a wonderful writer and a light at the end of a sometimes very dark tunnel. As for teenage girls I must agree, they are still idiots... however WE were NEVER that stupid- I KNOW THAT LOL. Hugs my friend. Thanks again for the smile like always.

erin said...

Oy Vey! I was never that girl but my best friend sure as heck was. And it was torture for everyone else involved. Especially me and the boy she obsessed over for a whole year after he broke up with her to date a much older, incredibly hot girl named CANDI...

She hit me in the face with a pair of sneakers 6 months into to their break-up for saying he was an asshole and was never going to talk to her again.

Sarah P said...

The pining is good. Let her pine. That way, she'll hold on to her likely low number until college. Then, she can spend college boinking her way to double digits.

Jules said...

Damn. Where were you when I was 18???? Man whore. I love you.

Jules said...

P.S. Tell Ed to stop. He needs to NOT be gross or a man whore.

Udder Hysteria said...

Loved your post... Is there anything more pathetic than a clingy possessive teeny bopper?

Logical Libby said...

The bigger the stanky teeth jerkyface, the better for the teenage girl to think she can change him.

She'll learn. We all did.

Didactic Pirate said...

You know, you'd think a girl like Bunny (poor, pathetic sad Bunny) would wise up when her ex-dreamboat's OWN MOTHER is explaining why she's better off single. I say type this shit up in an email, put a bow on it, and hit Send.

One Blonde Girl said...

You should write an advice book to teen girls about this shit. Or at least a pamphlet. It could be titled, "So, You're Boyfriend's Off to College, Huh?" or "My Son, the Jerkface, Dumped You. Guess What? Life Goes On. Here's How You Can Help It Along." Or something like that. It's been a long day. I can't think of anything more clever.

Insectman said...

I am a jerkface, too.

Teenage girls follow me, and I tell them to get in line.

See here:

iamyourblog.blogspot.com

VM Sehy Photography said...

I second the night terrors on Buckethead. And I think you should send her that email without editing it. Not sure it'll do any good though.

bikinfool said...

Tell her the Boy got Herpes, Crabs AND syphilis and he's looking to share!!

kate said...

She probably does a lot of "Twilight" reading, doesn't she? OMG, your son is TOTALLY her Edward! If the second book taught her anything, it's that a boy will leave you and say that he doesn't love you, but if you're really sad, depressed and mopey for awhile, he'll eventually come back and say that he only left you because he loved you TOO much.

Sarah Lindahl said...

Best Post I've read on any blog in a long time! Teen boys are SO GROSS. I don't see what teen girls see in any one of them. I LOVE your advice at the end about thinking about bisexual. If I knew that in high school and college I would have been the most popular girl in the world.

A Kitchen Witch said...

Poor, poor, unknowing, soul. I've dated guys who had psycho-exgirlfriend-stalker-types and when the subject of their desire and I are not dating anymore, I think, "seriously? all that energy for that pud when there are so many, many, more to try on for size?"... shame.

Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...

I'm sooooooo glad there was no social networks when I went thru that face (for one boy ONLY). If I could turn back time I will slap the crap out of me...crying hysterically in his aunt bathroom...pathetic. Thank Gawd I got over it, move to better things and know how he looks now: nasty and bold! Bwahahahahaha
Let her suffer, she will learn.
Oh- and a supply of condoms? going to buy in bulk for my 18 yr old right now...

justmakingourway said...

I don't know if I could handle my kid growing up to be a man whore. Although he does love to be naked, so maybe I better get used to the idea.

Poor, sad girl. Being a teenager sucks.

thetallredhead said...

I hate teenage girls. I was at a concert the other day and it was an all ages one, which was annoying in itself. But these little slurry's came pushing in and tried to get in front of me and my 2 friends. And cried that they were short so we had to move for them. Now..I am 6'1 my mate is 6'3 and my other friend is 6'....so I got right up against one of them and rubbed my breasts all over her. Up and down, across her back. Then I sat them on her shoulders. She moved.

thetallredhead said...

I hate teenage girls. I was at a concert the other day and it was an all ages one, which was annoying in itself. But these little slurry's came pushing in and tried to get in front of me and my 2 friends. And cried that they were short so we had to move for them. Now..I am 6'1 my mate is 6'3 and my other friend is 6'....so I got right up against one of them and rubbed my breasts all over her. Up and down, across her back. Then I sat them on her shoulders. She moved.

lynnegood said...

I have 3 girls - 2 of them teenagers and above (just a little) so I am very familiar with the pining so dramatically that it makes everyone sick!

Joanna Jenkins said...

Oh Miss Yvonne-- Where were you when I was a teenage girl. That's GREAT advice.
xo jj

cfoxes33 said...

Your last two posts have been so right on and so hilarious! You should do an advice column for the love forlorn!

Kim said...

Damn, I hate being comment #34. So impersonal.

Stop stealing my FB statuses.

Curiosity said...

I think I'm going to make "the day that should have been but never was" my new catch phrase when throwing out expired food items.

On the plus side, at least it's not YOUR girl fawning over someone else's dirty boy. :)

PoppingBlisters said...

why the hell wern't you around when i was that age?! you should make a film out of this like the 'he's just not that into you' satc one.