Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Tis The Season Fa La La La Or Whatever

Three days until Christmas. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get this shit over with already. Okay, not really. I love this time of year. We had the Captain’s family Christmas last weekend and it was big awesomes. And I get both Fridays and Mondays this weekend and next weekend off from work, which is supercalifragilisticexpealifuckingtatstic.

But I do this really bad thing every year during the holidays that kind of make them sort of suck. I think about the future. I think about how after New Year’s weekend, I won’t have another paid holiday off until May. I think about the things that aren’t going so great in my life. I think about how we’re going to pay the property taxes next month. I think about if I should go along with Captain Carl and take in another renter, even though I hate them and it sucks, because having two renters like before means the mortgage is paid in full each month. I think about how the Kiddo has to get student loans and help pay his way through college because we can’t do it for him. I think about all the people who don’t have to sweat their finances and have no credit problems and can buy whatever they want for their kids at Christmas and then I think a little bit about undeservedly punching them in the face.

You get the idea. I’m a big Debbie Downer. I’m working on it. It’s a long process.

But hurray! Christmas!

We opened all our presents early because of course we did. Captain Carl got me the greatest gift of all, which was the perfume that I tore the ad out of the magazine for and held in front of his face while saying “This. Buy this. This one. This is what I want this year. THIS.”. You thought I was going to say something like “his eternal love” or some lame shit like that, didn’t you? Ha. Loser.

I got him a kick ass GPS for the jeepster and I was all “Do you like it? Do you really? I mean do you REALLY like it or are you just SAYING you like it? Are you sure? Because you can totally return it for something else if you want. No? You’re sure? Yes? Okay cool.” Because I suck at gift giving. I really do. All year long, I think of these really great ideas for birthday and Christmas presents. Then I promptly forget them and end up buying something the person won’t like and will never use. Like the scarf that I got for my mom. Who never wears scarves. Or a computer video game for my dad. Who doesn’t even know how to turn on the computer.

I don’t know what happens. It’s like I’m out there shopping, filled to the brim with wonderful gift ideas. And two hours later, I’m standing in that cologne gift pack aisle in Wal-Mart trying to figure out how I got there. Usually I’m sweating. Always I’m panicked. Because holy shit, will they like this???? Is it lame???? Is it offensive????

My son has been the recipient of some of my worst gifts. Every year he opens at least two things from us that are disappointing and confusing. And then Captain Carl whispers to me “Did we get him that? Why?” and all I can do is shrug and whisper back “It seemed like a good idea?”.

This year? I got him this t-shirt.

Abraham Lincoln with a “Party in the USA” talk bubble.


I have no explanation, except that I thought it was hilarious.

The Kiddo?

Puzzled would be the word I would use to describe his facial expression after he opened it. Then he looked over at me and saw what was probably the pathetically hopeful look on my face, promptly took off the shirt he was wearing and pulled my lame gift over his head. And he wore it all day. And the next day until I made him change out of it because he got barbecue sauce on Abe’s upper lip. How awesome is my kid? Very, that’s how.

This will most likely be my last post before Christmas, so everyone have a happy holiday or whatever and leave me comments while you’re here, huh?


You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

i would wear that shirt even with barbeque sauce stains. it sounds like a britney spears signature collection.

Brandy Rose said...

"We opened our presents early because of course we did." Best excuse ever!

Lickety Splitter said...

The crappy part of Christmas is almost outta here! Whoo hoo! How's that for ... Who gives a crap about decorating, selecting gifts for friends and family who will look at you funny (not because you are funny) once they open your gift, and finding boxes to fit the present you bought them which won't fit nicely into a shirt box, a robe box, or even a box from the liquor store.

May good tidings be with you on your downhill slide into Christmas.

Courtesy of a non-official Drudge reporter.

theyak said...

Have you considered Judaism? Eight. Days. Of presents. And no Christmas shopping, which means you can devote the season to the things that really matter, like eating and drinking a ton and lying bloated in front of the TV. Ho, ho ho!

Wow, that was awkward said...

Happy and safe holidays to you and your wonderful family!!!

Kristine said...

Hehe. I'm picturing Abe Lincoln lip syncing to Miley Cyrus now and THAT is the best gift you could've given me for Christmas, Mama.

I didn't get you anything.

Ed said...

Your mom hates it when I leave my sauce stains on her upperlip.

So she's using that scarf to wipe them off.

Yea, I got nothing. Merry fucking Christmas.

dcr said...

thanks for the laughs! not sure how i happened upon your blog but it often makes me laugh. you and your family seem so real and normal; i hope you have a wonderful holiday.

Dani said...

Teehee. Maybe the better question is, who came up with that shirt in the first place?

Jules said...

You = Awesome. And I get it. I wanted to get Hubby THIS shirt:

He just stared at me. Then he said, "I don't get it." WTF? How do you not get it. It's f*cking hysterical.


The Vegetable Assassin said...

OMG. You and me? Same person. I do that same thing where all year long I think of kick ass and impressive gifts that certain people would love for Christmas then at Christmas, promptly forget I ever saw them and buy something totally LAME. I'm pretty sure at this point it's a nervous reaction or something...

Anyway, hope you all have a fabby Christmas with lots of good cheer, beer and uh...other things that end in "eer" (queer? veneer? deer?)

Venom said...

My son, now gainfully employed for almost a year, has fucked me over royally as he now buys his own clothes.

I had no fall back plan what-so-ever.

We'll see how the little bugger likes his new Crest Spin-brush.

If he knows what's good for him, and if he's half the hero your kiddo is, he'll run right to the kitchen sink and put that thing to good use, then grin his ass off all day long.

Shirt? Spin-brush? 6 of one...?

Merry Christmas to one of my favourite bloggers, from Venom, Secrets, & Lies.

A Kitchen Witch said...

Hey, I like that shirt. Though, with my poor eyesight, I thought the shirt said "Made in the USA" which I thought was funny 'cause, duh, Abe was made in the USA. I'm sure I didn't need to point that out, but being married to a foreigner has done that to me..the constant need to explain our American history :) Merry Christmas in the Big D

Nicole said...

I'm still trying to say "upercalifragilisticexpealifuckingtatstic" aloud. Is there a time limit?

Merry Christmas!

Solanaceae said...

You need a holiday laugh, go read Seriously, go read now, you will spurt eggnog outta yer nose! (No, I did not write it but it's still hilarious!)

Vic said...

I always say nothing says "Christmas" like macrame.

I love that T Shirt.

Joanna Jenkins said...

The Abe Lincoln shirt is a hoot. I bet he wears it all the time at college, with or without the bbq sauce.

Thanks for a hysterical year of posts, you always crack me up. Merry Christmas, xoxo jj

Kim said...

I once got my niece an Asian barbie doll. It was supposed to be a joke for someone else, but then Christmas Eve rolled around and I hadn't gotten anything.

I remember my stepmom used to make us give our teachers old shit laying around our house. My third grade teacher got one of those glass bottles with colored oil or weird noodles or something like that in it.

Kimber Leszczuk. said...

That tshirt is awesome - especially with how popular the Abraham Lincoln vampire hunter book was!

I hope you had a nice holiday!

nova said...

What a good kid, haha. P.S. I really actually love that shirt. So yeah, if you happened to get two....I'm just sayin'...

Rachael said...

"I think about all the people who don’t have to sweat their finances and have no credit problems and can buy whatever they want for their kids at Christmas and then I think a little bit about undeservedly punching them in the face."

Some of them do deserve it.

PS: I absolutely love your blog and I signed up for a google account just so I could finally stop lurking around like a creeper and tell you so.