Sunday, December 5, 2010

Neighborhood Etiquette: Dry Humping In The Front Yard Is A No-No

We put up the Christmas tree Friday night. I never seem to get into the spirit of the season until the tree is up, and this year was no exception. It just wasn't the same without the Kiddo here. He's usually my go-to man for all things up high on the tree. Which is why I usually end up with about 20 ornaments right underneath the angel. He loves to rub it in that Captain Carl and I are shorter than him, so he's always "Wellll, guess I'll put another one right up here seeing that y'all can't reach. Heh heh." I don't have the heart to tell him that being 5'8" isn't really all that tall, except in our house.

Last year, we invited Renty to decorate the tree with us and it was fun, despite my urge to move every single thing he and Captain Carl put up into a more appropriate location on the tree. What? Every good tree decorator knows you can't put two gold stars next to each other. I'm not controlling and obsessive, that's just basic tree trimming knowledge. Shut up.

This year, Renty was working late so it was just the Captain and I and it was awesome. We had a little wine, we listened to classic Christmas music, we pulled 50 million fucking Christmas decorations out of the closet under the stairs, I put up the nativity scene (yes I used the words "fucking" and "Christmas" and "nativity" in the same sentence. I'm aware that I am going to hell.) Then we admired our handy work and I put 49 million fucking Christmas decorations back in the closet under the stairs because I must have been a crazy person to put up all this shit every year because who needs eight animated Santa Clauses seriously?

In other news, apparently it's cold enough here to put on the heat in the house. This is according to my husband, with whom I vehemently disagree.

Me: Why is the heat on upstairs?
Him: Because it's cold outside.
Me: It's going to be 68 degrees today!
Him: But right now it's 43 degrees.
Me: That's because it's 7am.
Him: So?
Me: It's colder because of being night time.
Him: Really genius?
Me: There is no reason to have the heat on.
Him: You mean besides that it's fucking cold?
Me: You are such a baby, this is not cold. *opens front door. steps out in bare feet* This is called "perfectly comfortable" where I'm from.
Him: Listen, are in Texas now and 43 degrees is called "fucking cold" now.
Me: What a bunch of pansies.
Him: Renty lives upstairs. The heat stays on.
Me: I'm turning it off and if he complains, I will tell him to buy another comforter unless he wants to pay the gas bill.
Him: I knew this was about money.
Me: What? No! This is totally not about money. In fact, this is so not about money it's ridiculous.
Him: What's it about then?
Me: It's know...ummm...acclimating to your environment and...ummm...something something saving the ozone layer.
Him: *stare*
Me: Totally not about money.
Him: *stare*
Me: What?
Him: *blink*
Me: Well, do you want to pay a $200 gas bill???? Huh???
Him: Sometimes you are so much like your mother, it scares me.
Me: I'm taking that as a compliment.
Him: Your mother is cheap.
Me: My mother is frugal.
Him: And last winter you kept it so cold in here that the Kiddo wore gloves and a ski mask around the house.
Me: He's just a drama queen like his father. I was trying to toughen him up and get him ready for the world! Unlike you, who wanted to coddle and keep him soft.
Him: Just go to work, you're going to be late if you keep arguing with me.
Me: *walking out the door muttering* Fucking 43 degrees and you turn the heat on? Give me a break. You think this is cold? Cold is when the temperature doesn't get above zero and your nostrils freeze shut. *yelling back at house* We don't turn our heat on up north until the lakes freeze over! Because we're tough! And don't like to waste money!
Neighbor: Is everything okay?
Me: Oh sorry, I wasn't yelling at you. I'm yelling at my husband WHO APPARENTLY LOVES TO THROW MONEY OUT THE WINDOW BECAUSE IT IS TOTALLY NOT COLD OUT HERE!
Him: *opens front door* Shut up and go to work already!

This is probably why our neighbors never talk to us. This and the fact that Captain Carl tried to dry hump me doggy-style yesterday in the front yard while I was bent over watering the flowers and when I yelled at him to stop it he whispered "Let them watch" and then spanked me. True story.


Kimber Leszczuk. said...

I would have had the heat on too. LOL I am a baby when it comes to being cold. Anything below 60 and I am freezing. I guess last night I kept asking my hubby to pile extra blankets on me and this morning I had so many blankets on me the weight of them had me pinned to the bed. I couldn't get up without help.

Brandy said...

I think I might love you.

Although I have to turn heat on a bit earlier. The 2 year old likes to where summer dresses. In December. In Dallas where , yes, shock to those that aren't from here (me) it gets cold!

Girlchild is oblivious to cold. I'm not oblivious to her cold ass little feet seeking me out under the covers!!

Jules said...

68 degrees.... I miss 68 degrees....

A. Malcontent said...

I thought I was the only one who had to put up with a boyfriend who tries to dry hump me all the time whenever I bend over! Nice to see someone else is suffering, too.

Didactic Pirate said...

I wish every Christmas story ended with front lawn dry humping. THEN I'd feel some Yuletide spirit.

In my pants.

Kristine said...

I'm gonna be your neighbor in mere MONTHS, woman. And while I *won't* watch the dry humping, I will totally scowl and talk about being way more hardcore than everyone because I'M WEARING A TANK TOP OUTSIDE! IT'S 28 DEGREES! (And yes, I'm an idiot, but THAT'S NOT THE POINT.)

And, seriously, the OCD about the Christmas tree decorations. I feel you. My kids are always fucking that shit up.

A Kitchen Witch said...

anal about trees? yes. Here, we busted out the multi colored LED-awful, glaring, traffic light colors- eck. Sooo, I stopped production with just the few strands of white lights we had until I can go out and buy something a little more my taste. Husband glaring because I haulted the joy of decorating the tree. Boo. I can't have that crap on the tree. Oh and by the way, S TX is still enjoying weather in the 70's and 80's. seriously, I busted a sweat pulling weeds- and if the husband was home at the time, he would have totally pulled a dry hump move by the flower bed.

Ed said...


That's why I leave the ornaments to her. I put the tree up, string the lights and garland, then I'm off duty unless there's a heavy box that needs lifting.

I'm in northern Indiana. It's currently 14 degrees and snowing. What's this "heat" you talk of?

You neighbors totally owe you for the show.

Megs said...

Yeah, I live in the state immediately east of you, and anything under 45 degrees is fucking cold to me because I am not a polar bear.

I'm pretty sure all you people who live in climates where it gets down into negative temperatures are part yeti or something.

nova said...

I always want the heat on...for me, two hundred bucks later is worth the heat on now...until the bill comes, of course.

Sarah P said...

I almost didn't read this post in protest of the title alone. I'm relieved that you are on the pro-dry humping side.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

That's what I like about you guys, you always manage to keep it classy!

I have to say that my heating was off yesterday and it was -11 degrees C out. I turned it on this morning though when it was decidedly less. My heating only appears to have two settings - on and off. On means you are living in a sauna after about two hours and off means the heat from the other apartments around us will keep me warm. On means you fall asleep in front of "The Walking Dead" and off means "Maybe I'll wear a sweater today". The thermostat is merely for appearances.

My Christmas tree is twelve inches tall and came from the dollar store. I celebrate BIG. :)

DevilsHeaven said...

A wet 43 degrees, and yes I can understand turning the heat on. 68? CRAZY.
And I swear, our husbands were sperated at birth.

See Kate run. said...

If it's still warm enough to dry hump without freezing together, it's too warm for the heat to be on. Don't get me started on watering flowers.

Deidre said...

I moved to Australia a few years ago and you should hear the whining and complaining that goes on regarding the "cold" here.

Nicole said...

I haven't been dry humped in a very, very long time. Suddenly, I miss it.

I do my level best not to touch the damn tree that the kids decorated with, like, 500 red ball ornaments clustered in the same spot. I hate it, but I'm trying to be Kool and the Gang about these things.

Wynn said...

I'd love to have you guys are my neighbours.

Qoddess said...

You've been quoted!