Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Delicious Snack or Vicious Weapon? You Decide.

I dare any fruit to challenge the perfection that is the frozen grape.

If you know not of which I speak, then for the love of all that is good and holy…get thee to thine grocery store! And then doth thou shall put thy produce that shall be named “the grrrrape” (rolling r’s) into thy freezer and then thou shall waiteth three or four hours for thy luscious frrrruit (more rolling r’s) to enter thy perfect state of frozen.

Don’t ask where that sentence came from. It’s a dark, scary place…my brain is.

So yeah. Grapes are a pretty awesome fruit. They are small and cute and easy to eat as long as you don’t get the ones with seeds. Seeded grapes are like the dirty, worm-farm cousins of the seedless grape. Don’t hang out with seeded grapes. They are bad news bears, my friends.

Grapes are not my favorite fruit. Watermelon ranks much higher, even though it’s messier and has seeds. Watermelon seeds are nothing like grape seeds, just to clarify. Not all seeds are bad. heh heh.

Also better than grapes are raspberries. Ooh, and kiwi!

Okay, this is turning into “Miss Yvonne lists her favorite fruits” and that would be so boring to read.

So.

Back to grapes!

As I said, grapes are pretty awesome but I am about to kick shit up an Emeril notch right here by giving you the 7 steps to orgasmic grapes. Yes, there are a whole 7 steps. Seems excessive? Maybe. Shut up about it.

Step 1: Wash your grapes.
Step 2: Pluck grapes off the gross vine thingies.
Step 3: Put grapes in container.
Step 4: Put container in freezer.
Step 5: Wait.
Step 6: Eat frozen grapes.
Step 7: Have your mind blown.

Eating a frozen grape is like eating a teeny tiny round popcicle. And if you let them thaw about 20 minutes, it’s like eating a teeny tiny round slushy. Except it has vitamins and less calories. It’s perfect wrapped inside a chewy skin, is what I’m saying here.

Also, they hurt a real lot when someone “accidentally” whips one at the boss’s head as he’s walking by.

*ahem*

Just sayin’.

24 comments:

Moooooog35 said...

Plus, when frozen, grapes can be inserted MUCH much easier into your..um..

Yes. Grapes are a delicious fruit.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Fascinating! I actually just bought a metric shitton of grapes last night so I might have to try this. And I agree, the seeded ones are just...WHO BUYS THOSE? I want to eat and enjoy in an orgasmic state, not deal with spitting out seeds. I'M A LADY, DAMN IT!

You know another good one? Fresh strawberries, split in the middle, refridgerated and then spritzed with black pepper. FOR REAL. Brings out the flavour amazingly. Just...not TOO MUCH black pepper. You're welcome.

Miss Rosie said...

When I was pregnant the only thing that helped my morning sickness was frozen grapes and strawberries.

Jessica B said...

yum. except now i have hunger issues. and no fruit. damn.

Mandy's Kidding said...

This is how I feel about fruit: unless I can blend it in my BlendTec blender, I don't eat it.

Untypically Jia said...

OMG frozen grapes are soooo amazing! I've loved these since I was little.

Vinny C said...

I'm a believer! Off to get me some grrrrapes!

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Do you prefer green or red? Thanks for this post, I'd forgotten how good grapes are when frozen.

Katie said...

We all ADORE grapes in this house. Especially frozen grapes!!!! :-)

Eva Gallant said...

I agree. I stayed at an all-inclusive resort once where they served frozen fruit on a stick. Yummeres!

Ed said...

Frozen Blueberries.

End of story.

Chelle said...

I just want to add to Moog's comment that my word verification is "pussendi".

I've tried frozen grapes, gotta tell you, my favourite frozen fruit is strawberries, raspberries and blueberries blended together into a mash, then a bottle of rum is poured into it, then it's all put into the freezer in a container that never quite freezes because of the alcohol content.

Then you put some in a glass and pour club soda or gingerale in to top it up.

Then you LEEE-OADED while you mow your lawn.

Try that and your frozen grapes will seem pretty impotent.

Chelle said...

You *GET* leee-oaded. in case you couldn't figure it out.

Which means drunk.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

This was hilarious. I liked:

So.

Back to grapes!!

Also funny is the fact that this isn't the first post you've written about fruit. I know, because as I was reading, I was like, wait... what about kiwi? She loves kiwi! Oh okay there it is, she said kiwi.

Dani said...

Dude, how the heck do you make a whole post about fruit and frozen grapes soo darn funny?

Let's try something about like, boiling water or watching paint dry next time. See what you can do with that.

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The Mad Fat Girl said...

Wow. NEVER thought about freezing my grapes. Will defly try it. Wat the hel...will try freezing all fruit. And hit my boss with them as well :D Sounds great. Thanx :) Youze soooooo fuNNy!

Sarah Lindahl said...

I've heard good things about frozen grapes, but I am too afraid to try them because of how incredibly I was warned against putting marbles in my mouth when I was little because a marble in the mouth = choking followed by a horrible and embarrassing death. I don't want to die that way!

bikinfool said...

I don't know if this is good or bad, but I was headed right where Moooooog35 was going - miniature frozen Ben-Wa balls. talk about orgasmic! Try doing THAT with a watermelon. Or maybe not . . .

BugginWord said...

So I'm the only one here that just tried to fit a watermelon in my freezer? *sigh*

Crystal said...

hahaha!! You are hilarious!! i've never seen someone have such passion for a frozen grape..but I think I like it!

The Blue Faerie said...

Oh my gosh frozen grapes are awesome! And I always thought I was the only one that preferred them that way. Although, I will say that they are a vicious weapon in one way: bad kissing breath. I lean in to kiss my husband and it's like someone hit him in the lips with a stinky two by four. :P

Helena said...

so, on a very-close-to-unrelated note. if you put a whole watermellon in a microwave and zap it long enough, it will explode... the microwave along with it. This is a goal of mine, to seek revenge (or drunken shenanigans) on someone by exploding their microwave with fruit.