Monday, March 7, 2011

Somebody Please Remember To Tell the Cops To Check Between My Toes, Okay?

I spent all afternoon yesterday watching the ID channel. Do y’all get this channel? You HAVE to watch it if you do. It’s pretty much nonstop true crime programming. God, I love true crime shows. Show me an episode of 48 Hours Mystery and I’ll show you a happy fat chick.

So I sat down on my couch at 11am and did not get up (except to pee and get more food and drink) until 5pm. Six hours of true crime television. SIX. HOURS. A fine way to waste away a Sunday, no?

Me: Ohmygod.
Captain Carl: *looking up from his laptop* What?
Me: I can’t believe this lady!
Captain Carl: What did she do?
Me: She poisoned her own husband with arsenic. And then she poisoned her second husband the same way and she still didn’t get caught.
Captain Carl: *squints at tv* She’s pretty hot.
Me: That’s not really her. That’s an actress playing her. She killed them in like the 50’s or something.
Captain Carl: I figured, since she’s wearing a poodle skirt.
Me: And then she totally killed her daughter with arsenic too! Her daughter! That’s when they finally caught her.
Captain Carl: Fascinating. *looks back at laptop*
Me: I mean, killing your own daughter…that’s pretty awful.
Captain Carl: Hmmm mmm. *type type type*
Me: *sly glance* But killing your husband? Now that would depend on the circumstances.
Captain Carl: *looks up* Excuse me?
Me: *innocent face* What?
Captain Carl: Are you trying to tell me something?
Me: No. I’m just saying…
Captain Carl: What are you just saying?
Me: Just that some husbands maybe deserve it.
Captain Carl: That’s funny, because I think the same thing about some wives.
Me: Oh really? *squinty eyes*
Captain Carl: Yeah.
Me: Oh really now? *more squinty eyes*
Captain Carl: *points at tv* This chick did it all wrong. She should have injected the poison between their toes.
Me: What? Why?
Captain Carl: It’s harder to find the needle marks there.
Me: *blink*
Captain Carl: *smile*
Me: How do you know that?
Captain Carl: *shrugs* I don’t know, I just do.
Me: Why would you need to know that information?
Captain Carl: You never know when certain kinds of information will come in handy.
Me: *stare*
Captain Carl: Just sayin’. *smile* Love you.
Me: Good thing I don’t have a really big life insurance policy right now, or I’d be really scared. *nervous laugh*
Captain Carl: Not any that you know of, anyway.
Me: *rapid blinking*
Captain Carl: Hey, remember when our dog got diabetes and we had to give her insulin injections and then she died and I asked you to keep the needles and you asked me why and I said that I might want to “use them someday for injecting stuff”?
Me: Ummm, yes?
Captain Carl: Where exactly did you put them again?

I never win our freak-out competitions. Damn it.


Moooooog35 said...

I don't know. Injecting someone between the toes kind of sounds like they'd notice you doing it.

But then again, I didn't watch 6 hours of crime TV so I'm no expert.

laughingmom said...

What's that old saying about die with your boots on?...sounds like you'd better sleep in your boots!

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

I'm a sucker for true-crime shows, too - so much that when I told my husband one time that we ought to get some life insurance, he was suspicious. :)

Megan said...

Yeah definitely a freak out moment there.

Umm can you freak out Captain Carl by telling him that we miss his fatdad posts? Is he keeping up with the fitness thing and just not posting, or did he fall off the wagon?

Anonymous said...

Don't you hate it when it gets all turned around on you?

I love crime shows too! Criminal Minds is my favorite because of Shemar Moore...yum.

mizzbrizz said...

You are so lucky to have a man who is devious and conniving! Keeps things interesting ;)

Mandy's Kidding said...

I love those shows. I never know what they're called. I always happen upon them halfway through, while flipping. Then I watch a four hour marathon of them.

Fortunes Fool said...

I have a serious addiction to that channel. Like to the point I may or may not need to see medical attention. I might have to go cold turkey but I'm afraid of the withdrawls!

Did you see the one where the lady drover her 5 kids into a fuckin pond and then said she got cra jacked? WHATTT??!!

Love it. One of my friends was on there because she is a detective and they did a show on one of her cases. It pretty much made my life. I know, I need to get out more.

Jessica B said...

Don't ask me why, but I knew that about the injection between the toes thing too. I think it's all of the Patricia Cornwell (medical examiner stuff)that I read. That's what I tell people anyway.
*devious laugh*

Eva Gallant said...

You want to freak him out? Buy some arsenic and leave it in the frige near his beer.

Crystal said...

hahaha I think I had an almost identical conversation with my husband!! Altho not arsenic but more about the window on the 11th floor of our building. How to make it look like an accident.

Ed said...

Arsenic would show up in post-mortem tox screen.

And dog insulin would seem suspicious too.

A little air in the vein would be good.

unmitigated me said...

Between the toes is how they killed the bipolar guy in "Michael Clayton." Air in the veins is easy. That's how the kid in "Coming Home" killed himself. Movies are very educational.

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

Ohmygodohmygodohmygod, and I ADDICTED to ID, AND I totally saw the episode you're talking about AND my husband just said he wants to take out more life insurance on himself, and I was like NO!!!! If you die, they will suspect me!!!

Sarah P said...

Oh, yes, true crime shows. That sounds so, so good. On a scale of very-to-extremely, how hot are you for Bill Curtis' voice?

Did you catch the Dateline a couple weeks ago about the high-ranking Canadian airforce guy? It's on the website, called "Conduct Unbecoming," only it should be "Conduct Cumming" because that guy jizzed all over Canada. Must watch. Seriously some of the creepiest stuff I've ever heard of in real life.

Also read "The Murder Room" by Michael Capuzzo RIGHT NOW. You'll love it.

(Gawd, this sounds terrible.)

Crystal said... funny! I'd be a little freaked out too. Hubby and I always say to each other...don't kill me, if you want to get rid of me that bad, just tell me...and I'll go quietly.

Heather said...

Can I just admit that the entire time I was reading this post, I was looking for a mention of boobs and I was really bummed that there wasn't one... Also, under the tongue is better so one up him and kill him first. You are welcome.

Megs said...

My favorite is the one where the woman ties her husband to the bed and stabs him like 200 times and then buries him in the backyard.

And her defense was that he was abusive and she was scared and she didn't know what she was doing when she tied him up, stabbed him an insane number of times, wrapped him in a rug, dragged him down the stairs, dug a hole in the yard, put him in the hole, filled in the hole, went inside, cleaned up the blood and the dirt, and went back to bed.

Logical Libby said...

My husband and I have a rule. If it comes down to killing or leaving, we can just leave.

Of course, I also have some stuff hidden...

Anonymous said...

Ha! This is awesome. Swear to God, I watch so much crime television (48 hours, Dateline, Cold Case Files, Criminal Minds..and that's just on Mondays!) that my family wants to stage an Intervention.

My friend called me the other day and every time she brought up someone's name, I referred to them as either a Perp or "The Unsub".

Joie said...

I swear. I think I am in love with you.

Or we should be sisters. Like spit in the palms of our hands and shake on it kinds of sisters.

Or you are just SO freaking dope and I think you are my soul mate.

Or I have freaking issues - but still think you are pretty awesomely funny.

We'll go with that last one if anyone asks, mmmkay?