Monday, April 9, 2012

Jesus Fail

I really do believe in God. I do. Believe it or not, I was raised by extremely spiritual and religious parents. I went to church every. single. sunday. I played the Virgin Mary in the Christmas play (stop snickering, asshole). I taught Bible School, Sunday School, and accompanied the children's choir on the piano.

Fast forward 20 years and there I was...not going to church on Easter, the most important Christian holiday ever. Sleeping in on Easter. HAVING SEX ON EASTER. I'm pretty sure that's some kind of sin somewhere in the bible. So Jesus is all "Dudes, I'm rising. Check out my tomb. What? It's empty? Holla!" and I'm all *snore*.

Of course, I totally lied to my parents and told them we went to church. Because I totally was going to and intention is like, almost as good as actually doing something. So Saturday night I was all "I don't want to go to church" and Captain Carl was all "Fine by me" because Captain Carl is a heathen who doesn't believe in Jesus. Oh, he does believe in a higher power of some kind but he can't wrap his brain around the Jesus thing, I guess. Whatever. I'll wave at him down there in hell when I go to heaven. *pious face* My point is that I had no one to talk me out of talking myself out of going to church. So basically it was totally not my fault that I didn't go.

And then my parents called and were all "Happy Easter!" and I was all "Yeah, happy Easblah..." and then I was all "What did you do today?" and they were all "Oh we went to church with your older, better sister and she sang in the choir for THREE services so she got saved like, 3x more than you did probably. What did you do?" and I was all "Oh you know, stuff and eating and easter stuff mumble mumble."

Oh well. The Easter Bunny still managed to find our house, despite our being fresh out of moral compasses.

No, he did not wear the ears in bed.

Yes, I kind of wish he had.


Brandon Lostinidaho said...

I think Jesus understands. You know he was texting Mary Magdalene from the cross saying "Dun worry babe, brb in 3 days. K thx, xoxoxo"

Let the sister be more saved than you. You're probably more saved than I am (but not by much...)

Fearless Fibro Warrior said...

Remember, if you're not sinning, Jesus died for nothing.

DevilsHeaven said...

Yeah. Same here. Raised the same way, and always hated those people that ONLY came to Church on "Church Holidays". So now I REFUSE to become one of those people and so we skipped Christmas AND Easter.
F says we are going to start going again. And then he slept in on Sunday.

Eva Gallant said...

I grew up going to mass every sunday, and now haven't been in yearss except for the occasional wedding or funeral.

Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...

I'm with you. Didn't feel like dealing with a Two year old doing Dinosaur sound while praying (we just went to a mass for a Baptism. Yes, he totally did).
So I was actually doing a public Service so every one else could enjoy the mass.

Chris said...

My Mom stopped asking years ago. The mother-in-law still gets on the wife about it. I think she's a disappointment vampire.

Logical Libby said...

I think Jesus wants us to have sex on Easter. Isn't that the whole "rise again" thing?

Mrs BC said...

I've been trying to convince the 7yr old that Jesus is a zombie because he came back from the dead, but he's not having it. Goddamn Catholic school!


Wild Willie o' Orkney said...

...From the erection to the ressurection eh?
We pagans roll our eggs down the hill, then roll each other around in the nearest hay loft..Now that's the way to celebrate Oestre!

Kimber Leszczuk. said...

I don't think the people who sleep in all year and ONLY go to church on Easter are going to be any more saved just because of an effort they made for ONE DAY! LOL

Joanna Jenkins said...

Oh. My. Gawd! That pic of Captain Carl is priceless.
xo jj

Sarah P said...

We conceived our twins just before we left for Good Friday service. Day of
Abstinence. Whatevs.


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