Monday, December 13, 2010

I’m Like A Walking Public Service Announcement For Drunk Morons

Saturday night was my office Christmas party. Guess what happened?

I got drunk.

You're totally shocked, right?

I got a lot of drunk.

I got a way lot of drunk. So drunk, I prompted Captain Carl to say “Wow, I haven’t seen you like this in a really long time.” And the worst part is that I can remember everything. My luck sucks, I can’t even be a blackout drunk and forget all the embarrassing parts of the night.

But I figure I can turn my office party mistakes into a helpful blog post for all of you that maybe haven’t had your office parties yet. Consider it a holiday gift from me to you. I’m like the Jesus Christ of holiday gifts, except instead of eternal life in heaven, I’m giving you tips on how to keep your shitty job that you hate but can’t afford to quit. If my mother ever reads this blog, I am in so. much. trouble. for that last sentence.


Tip #1: Think about your clothing choices carefully before leaving for the party. Are your dressy pants too big for you now and could they possible fall off while dancing later? Is your top so low cut that your boobs will probably pop out at least three times? If yes, you might consider changing.

Tip #2: When introducing your spouse to the President of your company, it is not advisable to tell him that you drank half a bottle of Boone’s Farm out of a plastic cup on the drive over because you heard his cheap-ass only allowed for two drink tickets per person.

Tip #3: When your co-worker asks you in the bathroom if she looks prettier than the wife of Sales Director, a simple “yes” will suffice. Do not elaborate your answer with “I mean, she’s more of an obvious kind of pretty and who wants to be that, right?” and “Plus, you are probably way more interesting than her anyways.” Also, do not steal the lotion from the bathroom on your way out. It is in a container as big as a wine bottle, people will notice it under your shirt.

Tip #4: Do not lick any of the serving spoons at the buffet table because you want to sample everything first. This is not considered proper buffet etiquette.

Tip #5: Whatever you do, do not sign up for the karaoke contest if you plan on drinking more than one glass of wine.

Tip #6: If you ignored tip #5, do not storm the stage when it’s your turn and yell “I say Merry, you say Christmas! Merry! What? Merry! What?” at everyone in the room.

Tip #7: Upon discovering that you have been paired up with the CFO of the company for the karaoke contest, do not tell him that you want to sing George Michael’s Faith in his honor because “Frankly sir, everyone is shocked that you brought a wife and not a life partner."

Tip #8: When the winner of the contest is announced and it is not you, do not pound your fist on the table and scream “I was fucking robbed!”.

Tip #9: Do not request that the dj play T-Pain and then insist everyone on the dance floor give your big booty a slap while you try to move your body into your version of "low" (aka, bending slightly at the waist until your calves start to burn).

Tip #10: Do not approach the door prize table and ask the office manager what you need to do to win that 42” flat screen tv while pantomiming a blow job and waggling your eyebrows at him.


So there you go, my top ten tips for office holiday parties. You're welcome.

Everyone who thinks I’m totally getting a Christmas bonus this year, raise your hand!

25 comments:

Tristachio said...

Wow, and all I did at my Company Christmas party was make fun of the guy who won the ugly Door Prize while I won something cool.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Bahahaha! Um.... You SHOULD get a goddamn bonus after that.

You also probably shouldn't ask "How many times did the CEO get a boner when I shook my ample rump in his face?" and I hope you never have to...

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

at least you didn't walk out of the ladies room with toilet paper on your shoe. that would have been totally awkward.

Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...

I think I just pee my pants a little while laughing!

Mrs BC said...

There's no WAY you are getting fired, you are too much fun to have around!

Mel said...

Those bitches are lucky that you work for them. Take that lotion and run with it sister. You are the life of the party and they are all jealous of your mad karaoke skills.

Jules said...

I think you should DEFINITELY do tip #6. And I might lick the spoons at the next party I'm at just to see what happens.

But who in the hell still drinks Boone's Farm? Talk about a serious hangover!

Didactic Pirate said...

I think we all know who's getting the big holiday bonus at your company this year.

Kristine said...

OhgodOhgodOhgod. You just reminded me of this time during a faculty softball game (that the students attended) when I ran to get a ball that had been hit over my head.

My pants? Too big. My thong? EXPOSED. FULLY.

Married dude started hitting on me thereafter. I'm no longer employed by that institution.

Fragrant Liar said...

My hand is totally waving if you pantomimed a BJ! Bonus!

See Kate run. said...

Holy shit. I'm blushing so hard for you that I can feel my back tingle. You're making my back fat blush, Miss Yvonne. That's intense. You have brass balls, my bloggery friend. Brass fuckin' balls.

(Will you come to my office party?!)

Kimber Leszczuk. said...

LMAO - my husband's company party has OPEN BAR! NO LIMITS!

Sounds like you had a great time!

You deserve a huge bonus but from the sound of it they might be giving it to you in ones. ha ha ha

A Kitchen Witch said...

Ditto on the husband's company hosting an open bar which equals a shitty time for me 'cause I'm too scared to drink for fear of what the hubs and that open bar will mean. Yep. Me, the wuss and the hubs totally having a bad ass time, I'll pay him back later :)

Sandra said...

Hilarious!
However, what was wrong with T-Pain and the booty slap??? I'm all about a good booty slap!

Ed said...

I'll office party with you ANYDAY!

I hope Capt Carl gave you a big Christmas Bonus afterwards.

In this case, bonus is spelled boner.

BugginWord said...

Dude. You're golden. It's not like the xerox machine was involved. You're an office party saint, I tell you.

DevilsHeaven said...

You-Tube, SURELY someone capture it all??? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Brandy Rose said...

I would love to tell my boss that. "You're a cheap-ass! Buy me more beer!"

Megs said...

So does that mean it's a good thing or a bad thing that there is no booze at my office Christmas party?

And being that there is no booze, is it good or bad that I've done at least 3 of these things at my office Christmas party?

Claire said...

This Christmas, I am thankful for you! Thank Gawd you cleared several of these up. I owe you big time.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Oh please tell me you made this all up, right?!?!?!
Licking the buffet spoon is priceless.
Merry Christmas, xo jj

justmakingourway said...

Damn. I wish I had read this before my office Christmas party.

Mama Wheaton said...

Are there pictures? This sounds like the best party ever! Next time invite me I will document the party for you and then you can keep drinking and forget.

Helena said...

i want photographic evidence of this! fail to deliver it and i will drive to your abode (through the fucking pacific ocean mind you) to smiff your panties and molest your cats! seriously, if not pics, youtube!

marketingtomilk said...

ARe you speaking from experience?
Priceless.

M2M