Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Jogging Limply Towards A Destiny Vaguely Involving Something To Do With Smaller Clothing Maybe

So I’m trying to do this running thing with Captain Carl. It’s going so-so. It really depends what day you ask me, actually. Because ask me today, when Captain Carl is running with his brother and therefore not with me, and I will say it’s going awesome. Ask me on Monday night when I go running with him in the dark after work and I will say it sucks donkey teat. Because ouchy, that’s why.

Captain Carl is excelling at the running. He’s running 3 minute stretches straight now and leaving me in the dust. Literally. I am literally running in the dust on the side of the road about a block and a half behind him. And I’m not really running. I’m more jogging slowly than anything. And my jog gives me a vague resemblance to a wounded animal, limping to the curb after being hit by a car. A wounded animal chanting "fuck. this. shit." with each step it takes. But I like to think that I look like I know what I’m doing, on account of how I pump my arms back and forth vigorously. My feet are barely moving, but my arms are like violent tornadoes churning madly across the country. Check it out, everybody! It took me 30 seconds to get from one side of your driveway to the other, but look how fast I appear to be moving from the waist up! Crazy arms crazy arms crazy arms!


And then there is the issue with my knees. Apparently I have old lady creaky knees. I had no idea until the running started. Now I wake up a dozen times in the night after I turn onto my stomach and my knees push into the mattress, causing searing pain to shoot through them. They crunch like gravel with every step I take up the stairs. And then Captain Carl is all “You should take a joint supplement.” and I’m all “Your mom takes a joint supplement!” and he’s all “I’m serious.” and I’m all “So am I. She really does take one.” and he’s all “So?” and I’m all “She’s 60.” and he’s all “Well maybe you should borrow her AARP magazine to see if they have any tips for you.” and then I punch him in the face.

But I am losing some weight. And apparently it’s starting to show, because the runner lady at my office who I find equal parts inspiring and annoying with all her Go-for-it!'s and Keep-it-up!'s and I-wouldn't-eat-that-if-I-were-you!'s told me yesterday she could see the weight loss in my clothes. Hurrah! I’m awesome! *air punch!*

Also, I've been posting on facebook about my adventures in running and weight loss. Which seemed like a good idea at the time because now I will totally keep up with this new lifestyle on account of all my facebook friends knowing about it. Except that what if I don't? And then when people are all "How's the running going?" on my wall, I'll have to block them so that I don't have to make up excuses for quitting, like maybe I went all Jehovah's Witness and it's taking up all my time with all the ummmm, witnessing?

But hey...right now I'm down 6 lbs, bitches! So I totally put that little fact on my wall.

And then I had Mexican food for dinner last night. And also a donut that morning. And also birthday cake in the afternoon. And also maybe a candy bar.

I didn’t put that part on facebook.


The Vegetable Assassin said...

I'm full of admiration, truly. And a little sheepish because fuck me, I need to start running again. It's too damn cold though. That's my excuse. Plus I really hate running. I do. I used to run. I ran and I hated it. I hated panting and sweating and my boobs doing their own sweet thang while I did it. But I loved the crazy endorphin high afterwards and the smug satisfaction I got from it.

Now I'm sticking to treadmill running. I still have the bouncing boob phenomenon but at least no one has to look at it and it's closer to the fridge for some cheese after.

You go skinny girl.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I'm laughing so hard at your tornado crazy arm run. Sometimes my arms get tired of pumping so I give them a break and let them hang straight when I jog, so I look like a Riverdancer on the lam.

Nicole said...

I was also laughing it up over the crazy arms. And now at Steamy's Riverdancer on the lam.

The only funny thing I do when I run is the whole thing. The whole damn thing looks funny.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

can't get the vision of crazy arms out of my head LOL congrats on losing weight!!!!

Megs said...

I run like a broken chair, or so I've been told. But I do it anyway. I find that angry music makes it a little easier.

Congrats on your 6 pounds, that's awesome.

Ed said...

I take the stairs the same way. Race up or down, with super crazy arms.

I figure it burns more calories than the elevator or not using crazy arms.

Miss Yvonne said...

Veg: It IS too damn cold. That's what I tell my husband when he drags me out there, anyway. So far that excuse isn't working with him. He's like the cold weather running nazi. He even has the moustache to prove it.

Steamy: God, I love you so much. Riverdancer on the lam... I love you like Michael Flatley loves his own reflection.

Nicole: I'm sure the whole damn thing looks funny when I run too. I just try not to think about all of my parts at once when I'm out there. It's easier to focus on one or two of them.

Bird Shit: It's a beautiful thing, my crazy arms.

Megs: I googled "running like a broken chair" because I HAVE to see that and all that came up was all this stuff about how to fix a broken chair leg. You need to make a youtube video, stat. The internet needs you, Megs.

Ed: Oh God, RUN up the stairs??? I can barely walk up them.

Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...

well gawd dammed, at least your crazy arms worked because I attempted Zumba and after 5 minutes I passed out and that night had to sleep with a heating pack...oh yeah, and I'm Latin which is supposed to help with the dancing thing...not so much.

Kimber Leszczuk. said...

Congrats!!! Stick with it - it will get easier!

Sarah P said...

Guess what? You're super healthy and lost six pounds. I had a stomach virus. I haven't weighed myself, yet, but I'm probably as hot as you. You know, except for the mouth sores and tender butthole.

Chris said...

The wife had knee hurting with the running until she got some of those Vibram barefoot shoes with the toes. No more pain. They look a little silly, but the crazy arms should keep people from looking.

nova said...

People "running" for the bus do the same arm thing. You are not alone.

Didactic Pirate said...

crazy arms crazy arms crazy arms!

That shit is funny, right there.

I applaud you're running. I say if the pace is brisker than a plod, that counts as running. And you're already seeing results, so there you go.

I'll see your Old Lady Knees and raise you one Old Man Lower Back, that is twinging more and more every time I lift a weight. Goddammit.

Brandy Rose said...

I walked up the stairs with a laundry basket yesterday and had to sit down for 20 minutes panting before I could start folding the clothes. Long way of saying, I feel ya.

Moooooog35 said...

Good for you. I don't like even walking to my car.

But now I shall pump my arms faster to create the illusion of liking it.

I don't think that makes any sense but fuck it.

diane said...

I really love you for keeping it so real. (omg, just glanced down at word ver., it's regime) Anyways, what's good for one person may not be good for another. Case in point, if you are experiencing pain, stop immediately. You can get the exact same results from walking at a fast clip, and it's not nearly as hard on your body. Cute hubby watched a video on how hard running is on women's bodies, and they showed how it pulls everything down.
About the joint supplement, he's right. Take one every day, it will take affect in about 3 months. It's a long time to wait, and a big commitment, but it's worth it.
Hang in there. I think you are helping/supporting Capt. Carl in the most amazing way.

SumSum said...

the mexican food will run through you (witty) taking the cake and donut with it...
6 pounds is awesome!

unmitigated me said...

You go, girl!

No really. Go, please, because I keep talking about trying to run? I have the fancy space-age bra and everything? But not a foot have I set outdoors. Barely a toenail, except that I stubbed my pretty, new pedicure and chipped off a big chunk of toenail, and the window was closer than the trash can.

Anonymous said...

WAY TO GO!!!!!!! Go Yvonne! Go Yvonne! Go Yvonne!

Joanna Jenkins said...

Crazy arms-- What a hoot. I think that's probably what I'd look like IF I ran, which I don't so High Five to YOU!
xo jj