Confessions Of A Crazy Cat Lady Blogger

Just because I thought you'd like to know. That, and I like to put my personal shit out on the interwebs in the hopes someone in my family will eventually find it and think it's a cry for help but hahahaaa! jokes on them because you can't fix crazy...

1. My sister, Lizard, has furnished over half of my home with her discards. I have her old curtains, bedroom furniture, artwork, and tons of smaller things. She sends all the smaller things home with me in those big handled shopping bags from expensive clothing stores. I save those bags and I use them mostly to transport items to and from work, but also kind of because I want people to think I buy my clothes at those stores.
2. There is a basketball that has been sitting on the floor in my family room for two months. I have no idea how it got there. I haven't moved it since it mysteriously appeared because I'm too lazy to pick it up and find a place for it in the garage. I stare hatefully at it every time I sit down to watch tv.
3. About five times a year I decide to do a major clutter reduction at my house and throw away/put away all the junk that's been sitting around for weeks (hello, basketball?). Then the Captain and I spend the rest of our lives trying to locate the things I put in places I thought were logical at the time. Then the Captain gets mad at me. Then I lie and tell him I never moved whatever it is he's looking for. Example: I once organized a huge stack of the Captain's books and we didn't find them until two years later when we moved. I blamed him.
4. I lost my virginity when I was 15 years old. I gave in to my first boyfriend because he just wouldn't shut up about it. It lasted about 20 seconds and afterwards he told me it was okay because he was only half in so we were still kind of virgins. The next day I got sick with food poisoning, which I assumed was morning sickness. Because I was a genius.
5. I once faked three orgasms in a row with the same boyfriend. Because he was a genius.
6. I asked Captain Carl this morning if he could see my bra through my shirt. When he said "yes", I said "good" and left for work.
7. I have a crush on Dwight Schrute from The Office (the character, not the actor) because I think he'd be really good in bed.
8. I'm a phantom typist. Right about now, you're probably all "what the fuck?" so let me explain. I secretly type what people say in conversations on an imaginary keyboard, especially if they are talking really fast because I'm a speedy (110 wpm, baby) and I want to see if I can keep up with them. See? Phantom typist. That just happened.
9. I kept a diary in college and when I found it a few years after I graduated, I threw it away because it was so embarrassing. The whole thing was about a boy named Beamer who was a member of the Young Republicans and wore argyle socks and loved Depeche Mode and was about 50 pounds smaller than me. I had a huge crush on him and my diary was filled with things like "I wonder if a republican will go down on you? Maybe he'd think it was too messy?" and "I bet he'd call it 'making love' instead of 'having sex'." and "I'd love to rip that sweater vest right off his cute little body.". Oh and there was also a really bad poem that I wrote about my dead cat. Yeah. I'm wishing I still had it now.
10. Sometimes I have conversations with myself and pretend there is someone there talking back to me. I do this mostly in the shower and in the car, but it can happen just about anywhere if I don't stop myself. Sometimes I kick it up a notch and pretend I'm getting interviewed on a talk show because my blog went viral and now I'm super famous and getting paid just to show up places and talk about sex toys and renters and my boobs. What? A girl can dream, shut up!