Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Confessions Of A Crazy Cat Lady Blogger

Just because I thought you'd like to know. That, and I like to put my personal shit out on the interwebs in the hopes someone in my family will eventually find it and think it's a cry for help but hahahaaa! jokes on them because you can't fix crazy...

  1. My sister, Lizard, has furnished over half of my home with her discards. I have her old curtains, bedroom furniture, artwork, and tons of smaller things. She sends all the smaller things home with me in those big handled shopping bags from expensive clothing stores. I save those bags and I use them mostly to transport items to and from work, but also kind of because I want people to think I buy my clothes at those stores.
  2. There is a basketball that has been sitting on the floor in my family room for two months. I have no idea how it got there. I haven't moved it since it mysteriously appeared because I'm too lazy to pick it up and find a place for it in the garage. I stare hatefully at it every time I sit down to watch tv.
  3. About five times a year I decide to do a major clutter reduction at my house and throw away/put away all the junk that's been sitting around for weeks (hello, basketball?). Then the Captain and I spend the rest of our lives trying to locate the things I put in places I thought were logical at the time. Then the Captain gets mad at me. Then I lie and tell him I never moved whatever it is he's looking for. Example: I once organized a huge stack of the Captain's books and we didn't find them until two years later when we moved. I blamed him.
  4. I lost my virginity when I was 15 years old. I gave in to my first boyfriend because he just wouldn't shut up about it. It lasted about 20 seconds and afterwards he told me it was okay because he was only half in so we were still kind of virgins. The next day I got sick with food poisoning, which I assumed was morning sickness. Because I was a genius.
  5. I once faked three orgasms in a row with the same boyfriend. Because he was a genius.
  6. I asked Captain Carl this morning if he could see my bra through my shirt. When he said "yes", I said "good" and left for work.
  7. I have a crush on Dwight Schrute from The Office (the character, not the actor) because I think he'd be really good in bed.
  8. I'm a phantom typist. Right about now, you're probably all "what the fuck?" so let me explain. I secretly type what people say in conversations on an imaginary keyboard, especially if they are talking really fast because I'm a speedy (110 wpm, baby) and I want to see if I can keep up with them. See? Phantom typist. That just happened.
  9. I kept a diary in college and when I found it a few years after I graduated, I threw it away because it was so embarrassing. The whole thing was about a boy named Beamer who was a member of the Young Republicans and wore argyle socks and loved Depeche Mode and was about 50 pounds smaller than me. I had a huge crush on him and my diary was filled with things like "I wonder if a republican will go down on you? Maybe he'd think it was too messy?" and "I bet he'd call it 'making love' instead of 'having sex'." and "I'd love to rip that sweater vest right off his cute little body.". Oh and there was also a really bad poem that I wrote about my dead cat. Yeah. I'm wishing I still had it now.
  10. Sometimes I have conversations with myself and pretend there is someone there talking back to me. I do this mostly in the shower and in the car, but it can happen just about anywhere if I don't stop myself. Sometimes I kick it up a notch and pretend I'm getting interviewed on a talk show because my blog went viral and now I'm super famous and getting paid just to show up places and talk about sex toys and renters and my boobs. What? A girl can dream, shut up!


Logical Libby said...

If we all had to account for our unsavory crushes the world would be a horrible place.

I will just leave it at that.

Moooooog35 said...

That 'gave in because he just wouldn't shut up about it' doesn't fly during marriage.

Trust me.

I've been badgering the bejeesus out of my wife for YEARS.

Marie said...

Wow those are great confessions lol. Your blog is great! My new obsession this week.

Sarah P said...

This post is a beautiful gift.

I love your blog. So much.

Totes have faked the multiple orgasms, too. Because I was tired.

Little Girl Big Glasses said...

Mmmm. Sweater vests.

Anonymous said...

Well to be fair, number 10 is sort of true, except it's YOU interviewing yourself and it's not on TV it's on your blog and no one's paying you. So you know...almost. :)

The only sex Dwight could be good at would be masturbating with photos of amputees or other suitably deviant varieties, none of which could even remotely be called pleasurable for real people. Man makes me shudder with creepiness.

Heather said...

Is it strange that I sometimes wonder if you are my sister and we were seperated at a young age and just don't remember because I totally have complete conversations with myself pretending like I'm talking to random people who don't exist just so I can argue without looking crazy. Maybe... just maybe.

Amanda said...

I do the clean up of random crap every 2 weeks, too. And then I see the stuff I'm picking up and I think, Really? this box of cereal has been on the living room floor for 2 weeks?

I never touch my husband's stuff, though. I don't' want him to be able to blame me for all the stuff he has lost over the years.

miss. chief said...

Okay. I have a lot to say.

1. Weird shit shows up around our house whenever Dr.Claw's kids are here and I do the exact same thing. "oh damnit, that army base is still on the couch. guess I'll sit on the floor until it moves out of my way somehow someday."

2. Dwight? Really? That's disgusting. I like the 'new guy', whatever his name is.

3. Most of my t-shirts are see-through cuz they're old, and I have one white bra, one red one, one blue one and a black one so you can usually see my bra through my shirt too. I don't care. It's just a bra.

4. Your typing skills are fantastic. I'm slow, and one of my jobs is transcribing videos, so it takes me like 5 or 6 hours per video hour to do...and I get paid per video hour. You'd make way more money than I do is what I'm saying.

5. If there's one thing I've learned over life, it's that old diaries are always painful to read unless you

a) Leave all feelings, emotions and hopes out of it when you write
b) Are trying to make it awesome when you're writing it.

And last but not least...why did you even bother faking three orgasms? Sounds like a lot of work. said...

I have a crush on you!

Prosy said...

sometimes I pretend I'm being interviewed in my head too. Or I imagine all the nice things people would say about me at my funeral. But not in a morbid way. Just in a self-centered way, I guess.


Oh thank god I'm not the only crazy. Good deal.

Janine@Shelf Life said...

I totally did/do this stuff too. Ok not the Dwight thing, but the other stuff.

Tony said...

There is nothing wrong with having a crush on Dwight. He's cute. And sometimes, he's a big old sense-y. Like that episode where stupid Jim and Pam go to his beet farm, and he was crying over the cherub figurine? I'm not going to lie, that made me feel for the guy.

And 20 seconds?! You boyfriend must have been a stud, because I got like three minuscule pumps, and I was a goner.

kate said...

I cleaned out my closet the other night and got rid of, like, two garbage bags full of clothing...I'm having trouble actually taking the bags to be donated, though, because I'm sure that as soon as I do, I'll be all 'shit! My favorite shirt in the whole, wide world was in there. Kill me now.' Best to leave the basketball where it lies. You'll totally miss it when it's gone.

Houston said...

Number 9: The answer is yes on all counts.

Ed Adams said...

For a minute, I thought I was suckered into a shitty meme post here, then I was like, "Yeah sexy talk!", and then I was feeling a little perverted since it's not even noon yet.

I SERIOUSLY just turned down the Tyra Banks show. I should have sent them your way. DAMN IT!

For realsies.

Soda and Candy said...

"because he just wouldn't shut up about it"
Been there. You're like "GOD. FINE. Will you shut up about it after?"

bikramyogachick said...

You should paint a face on the basketball. Like the volleyball in that movie with Tom Hanks where he was stranded on that island like FOREVER.

otherworldlyone said...

I think you are fucking awesome, just so we're clear. Especially for that last one...but really just in general.

Also, Steamy wanted me to say a sentence with "making love" in it on my next vlog. Now I know why? But I'm not republican...

Char said...

I just love coming here and laughing my ass off. Being crazy is the most underestimated thing. And it sure helps when you're having those conversation with yourself. 8-)

Kurt said...

I faked three orgasms one time too. Except I was alone. Also very drunk. Who am I?

hint: your mom.

Cassie said...

That diary sounds hilarious. Too bad you don't have it now, that would probably give you material to post about for months! LOL

Harna said...

110 wpm?! Holy shit, woman! Do your fingers catch on fire when you type?

After reading this blog for quite a while, not one of these things on this list surprised me, but all of them made me laugh...and that's why I continue to read. You're amazing.

just making my way said...

I'm totally impressed with those phantom typing skillz!

I have also inherited tons of shit from my sister. Furniture, linens, a griddle - the list goes on and on. I don't get too many fancy shopping bags though. *scuffs shoe*

Did maybe we have the same boyfriend? Cause Check on 15, and Check on the half way thing...

Miss Yvonne said...

Libby: I've only begun to delve into my history of unsavory crushes. Bwahahaaha!!! Also? I said delve.

Moooooog35: Maybe try "Can we have sex yet? Can we have sex yet? Can we have sex yet?" over and over in the car. I bet it'll work.

Marie: Wow, I feel kind of dirty and excited about being your weekly obsession. Rawr.

Sarah P: I faked the multiple orgasms because really? We're 17 years old, dude. No way is that happening.

Little Girl: I concur. Grrr.

Veg Assassin: I live for your comments. Seriously. Amputee masturbation...classic.

Heather: I am totally doing that "am I looking in a mirror or is that my long lost identical twin looking at back me" thing. You know the thing. Twinsy.

Amanda: I think you trump my basketball with your cereal box. Hee hee, I said box.

miss chief: Yes Dwight. Shut up!

hiphophippie: I totally love you as much as I secretly love McDonald's hamburgers.

Prosy: I'm totally stealing your funeral idea. Should keep me busy for hours.

Ambellina: Stick around...lots of crazy up in here.

Janine: You should try the Dwight thing. Hottt!!

Tony: I would totally be Dwight's cherub. Except instead of wings, I'd be wearing devil horns and instead of listening to him cry I'd be sitting on his face.

kate: I too have two large garbage bags full of discarded clothing that I can't bring myself to take to the charity shop. No way would a homeless prostitute appreciate my awesome style!

Houston: Are you telling me you wear sweater vests???

Ed Adams: I will totally come over there and shank you if you are telling the truth about Tyra. Damn it!

Soda and Candy: I know, right? Nothing hotter than your lady all rolling her eyes and sighing while you're pumping away.

yogachick: Great idea! And instead of Wilson, I'll name my basketball Phillips. Hahahaa, get it?

otherworldlyone: "Making love" is about the most awkward two words put together ever. Unless you're Bad Company.

Char: Being crazy is probably my best trait. According to my therapist, anyway.

Kurt: I totally fell for that riddle. Fucker.

Cassie: Luckily I did keep my high school diary...which will be making an appearance here shortly.

Harna: I wanted to be offended when you said none of these things surprise you, but then you said that I'm amazing so I decided to not be offended. Lucky you.

making my way: I don't know...was your boyfriend short with blonde hair and braces and also a pig farmer? If so, then yes.

____j said...

These were really funny. Except for 7. That one freaked me out a little bit haha

Jessica said...

I have stuff in my house that was there when I moved in. Sometimes it moves around; possibly a poltergeist, maybe the dogs, certainly not me.

I started a diary when I was 5, and I still write in them fairly regularly. I can only hope I'm dead before anyone manages to read them. 16-19 were not years I employed the grey matter much.

I constantly have conversations with myself, much to the horror of the people around me. Sometimes I just blurt random comments right out - I can't help it, I have absolutely no self-restraint. Certainly keeps people on their toes.

Whatever works Mama. ;)

Vic said...

I thought I was the only one that did that phantom typing thing.
Only I get caught up on certain words someone will say, and then my fingers will "type" the word out over and over.

I think I probably look like I have spiders for hands sometimes.

Will you share Lizard with me?

Anonymous said...

I have fake conversations ALL of the time!!! In fact today in the shower, I am going to BITCH out a fellow teacher!

TAKE THAT BITCH (not you, the teacher)....

Carolyn...Online said...

Man, I haven't gotten fake intervied in my head in forEVER. I'll have to get back into that when I'm in the car later. You can totally talk to yourself in the car now and everyone thinks your on your cellphone. It covers the crazy nicely.

jilly said...

I do the fake conversation all the time, too!!! Especially since my car radio died.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Dwight Schrute WOULD be good in bed. You know he researches female anatomy and technique. It'd be even better if he wore a Jim Halpert mask.

Hey, guess who I'm seeing on stage this weekend?

Houston said...

I only wear sweater vests when I am getting it on with THE WIFE!


BTW. I fake ALL my orgasms.

Megs said...

I have conversations with myself all the time. Sometimes I forget and do this work and the people around me are like, "Who the hell are you talking to?"

And in real life I always kind of mumble an apology and shut up, but then in the car on the way home I have the whole conversation with them again and TOTALLY make THEM feel stupid.

Take that, Jackasses!

diane said...

I was thinking that we're all a little nuts.
You phantom type.
GI bites jelly packets.
Vic sees words in color.
I USED to attach mental strings to objects.
zibbs stalks little old ladies at flea markets.
I can't think of any more right now, but every single one of us here is a little crazy.

Kim said...

I used to fake multiple orgasms with one of my ex's all the time, and sex with him only lasted like 30 seconds so who wins the prize for moron ex-boyfriends now?