Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Look Deeply Into My Eye Fist

Remember how I said a while back that we were getting a new renter? Yeah, the bitch didn't show. Just never moved in and didn't bother to call or email or anything. I thought I'd better let y'all know in case you were wondering. Because I'm the center of the universe.

So this conversation happened awhile ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday because my mind is a steel trap and almost as awesome as my boobs.

Me: So our new renter ever call you back about moving in?
The Captain: Nope.
Me: Did you email and ask her why she never showed?
The Captain: Yep. She didn't answer me.
Me: What the hell, man?
The Captain: I don't know, guess she changed her mind for some reason.
Me: That's so rude to not even call.
The Captain: Very. I wonder what happened?
Me: Hmmmm....
The Captain: What?
Me: Maybe it was my fault.
The Captain: How is that possible?
Me: I might have mentioned that she was bald on my blog. But only in passing.
The Captain: So you think this random lady who was going to rent a room from us just happens to also read your blog and figured out you were talking about her and got upset and decided not to move in.
Me: Maybe.
The Captain: Right.
Me: *squinty eyes* My blog is very popular.
The Captain: Yeah it is.
Me: *more squinty eyes* What are you trying to say?
The Captain: Nothing!
Me: *intense squinty eyes*
The Captain: What's wrong with you? Do you have something in your eye?
Me: Yeah. My fist.
The Captain: What?
Me: It's a metaphor.
The Captain: For what?
Me: For me punching you in the face.
The Captain: With an eye fist?
Me: Hell yeah with an eye fist. To the max.
The Captain: I don't think you understand what a metaphor is.
Me: *extreme squinty eyes*
The Captain: See, a good metaphor is something something something analogy something something something conveyed something something something word.
Me: Your mom's a good metaphor, punk.
The Captain: Why are you talking like Clint Eastwood?
Me: That's my eye fist talking. Right before it hits you in the mouth.
The Captain: I'm going to bed.
Me: You feelin' lucky, punk?
The Captain: *sigh* Goodnight, Dirty Harry.
Me: *scariest squinty eyes ever* That's right. Keep walkin', punk. Keep walkin'.


Whitney said...

I'm pretty sure that's exactly why she didn't want to move in.

By the way, it's my goal to work "eye fist" into casual conversation today.

kate said...

I could drag my husband down to Texas and we could be your new Renties...I'm not bald and he doesn't have weird cat fetishes, but we would make WONDERFUL drinking buddies. The Devil snowmen would totally have to go, though.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Me love some Dirty Harry. Let's have a talk like Dirty Harry day! And yes, of course she read your blog, who doesn't?

Okay, MAYBE Michelle Obama doesn't but it's just because she's too busy looking fabulous. But I'm sure it's on her to do list.

Hee! My word verification is Strap On...well almost.

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

Man, the Captain is walking a think line over there.

Kurt said...

Eye fisted your mom.


Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

i'm with whitney. eyefist day! woooo.

Mama Wheaton said...

Why is it that when simplicity is called for those we are tlking to get all technical?

Linn said...

OMG! I love it that everyday I check your blog and I CRACK UP! Of course she read your blog and I say give the Captain another eye fist punch just for the hell of it!

Tony said...

You women and your controlling ways. You have the eye fist/Dirty Harry, and Merkin has her Jedi Mind Tricks. I wish I was a woman sometimes. Meh, not really.

Logical Libby said...

Why would people not read your blog? It's not like there is anything else on the Internet.

Heather said...

That made me spit gatorade out and it coincidentally ended up on my lap and now I look like I have started my period. Only the gatorade is green.

Sarah P said...

If she didn't want to be used as material on your blog, she shouldn't have showed up bald.

Little Ms Blogger said...

Eye Fist --- bet he wasn't going to bed, but going to hide in fear.

Claire said...

dude, add me to the "must use the word eye fist today" group!!!

PS- What a bald bitch. Eff her!!!

The Shitty Astrologer said...

Where's Betty White when you need her...

Houston said...

Eye fist to the nads is more effective.

You're welcome.

Ed said...

Wait, I'm confused.

Did that punk get lucky?

Fragrant Liar said...

I like how you ain't ascared to keep your man in line. Kinda makes my day.

Anonymous said...

It's because of Renty's cat kissing ways. Or the scary snowman. Or the penis soap.

Vic said...

Damn, I was so looking forward to some good bald renter stories. Now what??

Maybe you'll get really lucky and find a nice sleeper cell terrorist candidate - talk about excellent blog posts!

Moooooog35 said...

Did eye fist metamorpa..metamorphos..change into eye/mouth fist at the end?

I thought I was following this until the caterpillar scene.

I need to reread this.

diane said...

I love your conversations with the Captain. I tried the "your mom" thing with Cute Hubby, but he just looked at me like I was insane, whatevs.

Your comments always make me happy too. :)

LiLu said...

The world would be a better place if everyone talked like Clint Eastwood.

Or at least, much, much more entertaining.

otherworldlyone said...

I have not heard the phrase "to the max" used in a very long time.

Thanks for bringing it back.

bikramyogachick said...

The eye fist is the first cousin of the eye f*ck.
He could've had the second one if he would've been nice to you!

Houston said...

OH wait? By bald did you mean no hair on her HEAD????

That's not funny at all. I thought it was a waxing experience gone wrong.

Carolyn...Online said...

Dude, he dissed your blog. That gets a sucker eye punch while he's sleeping. He won't even see it coming. You're welcome.

A Kitchen Witch said...

hah hahhhhaaaa. Just read the "eye fist" When I was a kid and complaining about something my dad would point to his eye, saying, "Look deep into my eye and see if I care". I'm assuming that was his "eye fist" to me. : )