Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Finally, Peeing My Pants Has Paid Off

Someone is filming a movie right outside the building I work in. I’m not really sure why here and I’m only partially sure what it’s about. A coming of age story about a little boy who find mischief and fun in his neighborhood blah blah blah Mr. Wilson blah blah blah rip off blah blah blah Dennis the Menace. Something like that.

But that’s not the important part. The important part is that I. AM. ABOUT. TO. BE. FAMOUS. The director has put out a casting call in my building for extras. Which means you are about to see me on the big screen. Or the tv screen. Or ummmm, online. I’m not really sure how big this movie is going to be. Today the director is walking around in the parking lot pointing at businesses and gesturing wildly with a crowd of 15 people and they’re all wearing sunglasses which kind of seems Hollywood-ish, but only one of them is hot and young and the rest are basically boring and kind of overweight and older so maybe this is only going to be a made for tv movie. But who cares because I am all over this shit.

So I went to the production website and it’s all “We will need 300-400 extras for a July 4th celebration scene” and “if interested, please send your name, age, email and general availability”. I worked all night on my resume. I mean, it doesn’t specifically ask for a resume but I figure it’s implied for those with previous acting experience such as myself. So I was all *type type type* and Captain Carl was all “Whatcha doing?” and I was all “Writing my acting resume” and he was all “Gah?” and I was all “For the movie they are filming by my office” and he was all “You’ve never been in a movie” and I was all “I have plenty of acting experience” and he was all “What role are you trying out for?” and I was all “An extra” and he was all “You have to audition to be an extra?” and I was all “Probably. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter because once they see my resume? Blam!” and he was all “Blam?” and I was all “Blam! Front of the crowd extra”.

I think you'll all agree that I'm a shoe in....


______________________________________

Resume for Miss Yvonne – Actress Not Appreciated In Her Own Time

1977 – Peter Rabbit
Martin Luther Elementary School
Played role of Mother Rabbit in Mrs. Vandervolt’s morning kindergarten class production.
Noteworthy – Managed to completed both lines of dialogue despite having a crush on boy playing Peter Rabbit and peeing pants minutes before the curtain rose.

1986 – America The Prosperous
Roosevelt Middle School
Co-starring role in video on American Capitalism for Mr. Benson’s 6th grade economics lesson.
Noteworthy – Let Nathan Johnson grab boob under costume without anyone noticing.

1991 – Pop Singers
Buffalo Gap High School
Co-starring role in year long production of 50’s and 60’s inspired song and dance routines.
Noteworthy – Totally rocked mall bangs and a spiral perm. Managed to make a tuxedo shirt and ankle length skirt look sexy while pretend surfing to a Beach Boy’s song.

1992 – Santa Lucia Festival
First Lutheran Church
Starring role of Santa Lucia in Christmas pageant.
Noteworthy – Wore a crown of burning candles on head. For reals.

Special skills:
Can kind of play the piano.
Know sweet dance moves such as the Roger Rabbit and the Sprinkler.

Good at reciting hip slang phrases, such as "Oh no you didn't!", "You go girl!" and "Bitch please".
Went to a taping of Charles in Charge once. Waved at Willie Aames. Pretty sure he saw me.
In possession of a blonde 70’s afro wig. Willing to wear it whenever.

Can do that cool Bollywood dancing hand move thingy.
Giant man hands. See above.
Can recite any line from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure upon command.
Strong background in character acting. See below for examples of my work:


Pirate



Drunk Pirate

Fin.


See you on the big/small screen, bitches.

23 comments:

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

when i become [even more] rich and famous [than i already am], i'm hiring you to play the starring role.

i'm also finding a way to make it involve a lot more pirates than originally anticipated.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Oh God, I missed drunk pirate so much and I didn't even realize it until right this second! What's the plan for this year? Drunk ghost? Drunk Samurai? I can't wait.

nova said...

Yay! Drunk pirate!

Wow, that was awkward said...

Drunk Pirate made me laugh out loud for real.

I was an extra in the movie Lucas. I can be seen in the pep assembly. I'm wearing my highschool football jersey, a ballcap and a walkman. Remember the walkman? I was riding my bike by during filming and just walked right in.

Mama Wheaton said...

I will buy this movie and then send it to you for your very famous autograph!

kate said...

Don't forget about us little people while you're strolling red carpets and rubbing elbows with the George Clooneys and Meryl Streeps of the world. Stay away from that Lohan girl, though. I've heard she's trouble.

Didactic Pirate said...

The critics Love Miss Yvonne:

"A tour de force!" -- Roger Ebert

"Truly committed to the craft!" --Other Guy Who's Not Ebert and Who's Dead

"If you see only one movie with a drunk pirate extra in the downtown crowd scene, this is it!" -- Movieline

Megs said...

Oh shit! I am one step closer to 6 degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon!

See, because you will be famous and then you will start seeing a hairstylist to the stars and that person will totally cut Kevin's cousin's hair and bam! I'm in! Because I know you through the internet!

Chris said...

You are a shoe-in. Or shoo-in. I don't know. I've seen it both ways today. Which is crazy, because it's not the sort of thing I see written every day. Anyway, you are one, however it is spelled and whatever it means.

I have a friend who extras for every movie he can find, hoping that somehow it will all add up to an imdb entry. Gotta have a dream.

Miss Yvonne said...

You're Lucky: More pirates = More better.

Steamy: I missed drunk pirate too. She really needs to hang out with me more.

nova: Hurray! I mean, argggghh!

Wow: Yes, I do remember the walkman. I also remember Mr. Mister, which I listened to constantly on my walkman. Also? OMG, I loved that movie!

Mama: I really really hope this movie will be available for purchase and not, you know, unreleased or something.

kate: I'm sorry, but if I get to rub anything of George Clooney's, y'all are right out of my mind.

Didactic Pirate: I love that last review. It really nails the heart of this movie. Whatever it's about.

Megs: Which makes it only 5 degrees of separation for me. Score!

Chris: OMG, I totally forgot about imdb. I am totally gonna get credit on there. Drunk Crown Pirate - Miss Yvonne 2010.

unmitigated me said...

you had boobs in 6th grade???

diane said...

You're a shoe-in if it's a sequel to Pirates of the Caribbean. How about your personal relationship with Harry Connick Jr.? Scaling his wall and avoiding restraining orders has to be worth something.

Mrs BC said...

OMG you went to a taping of Charles in Charge!! I had such a crush on Scott Baio. *sigh*

Toe said...

I like the Bollywood hand dancing item. Didn't know one could claim that as a skill, I'm so putting that on my next resume.

Ed said...

Seems you chose to completely leave off your amatuer porn work from the resume. Classy.

Prosy said...

I think you've got more credentials there than Rumor Willis and somehow she has a recurring role on a major TV show and I can't shut up about her strong manly jaw and how much it bothers me.
But kudos for you going through with that play even after peeing yourself! Huzza!

bettyl said...

All I can say is, 'Good luck!'

Houston said...

Uh...

Does peeing the bed count? I wanna be rich and famous!

Deidra said...

Oh, the drunk pirate is awesome! ;D

Michael said...

You are so full of win. Outstanding post.

Sarah said...

I stumbled upon your blog by accident, but it's belly-muscle-hurtingly funny! LOVE!!!
I'll be following! (Also in a non-scary way)
Sarah x
http://sockmyshoe.blogspot.com

Joanna Jenkins said...

Maybe if you wrote my resume I'd be able to find a job. I think you've got a second career there....
VERY funny,
xo jj

Jewelrybydawn said...

new to blogging and found this. its great and funny.