Friday, September 16, 2011

My Name Is Miss Yvonne. You Deleted My Talk Show. Prepare To Die.

Sometimes it really sucks having renters in your house. Sometimes they do really annoying and fucking stupid things. Things that 99.9% of the human population would not do. Like if you heard about someone doing those things you would be all “No way is anyone that stupid/rude/inconsiderate". And then? Your fucking renter does them and you feel the sudden urge to gouge their eyeball out with one of those tiny relish forks because it is the exact perfect size for eyeballs and that bastard totally deserves it.

Like maybe your renters buy scooters and ride them through the mud and then track the mud through the house and then leave their muddy shoes by the door and then fucking lie when you ask if they walked through your house with muddy shoes on.

Or maybe your renters decide to use your pasta strainer to clean their fish tank rocks but don’t plan on telling you they did it and thank you baby Jesus that you noticed it was missing before they returned it and you used it to strain your pasta and now you’re totally eating spaghetti ala fish poop for dinner. And then they giggle like three year olds when you ask them why they did it.

Perhaps your renter decides while you are out of town for the weekend to go out and get completely wasted and bring an equally wasted couple home from the bar with him that he has never met before in his life, then passes out in his bed while this drunk couple hang out in your house all night totally unsupervised and then your other renter gets up at 3am to pee and sees this strange couple fucking on your couch. Then you have to call your renter and yell at him and when you get home, all of your booze is missing and he “has no idea who took it”.

Oh! Here’s a good one. Your renter goes out and gets wasted AGAIN, only this time it’s during a weird Texas snowstorm, and he gets arrested for drunk driving and doesn’t come home for 3 days, so you think he must be dead in a ditch somewhere, and then he shows up and is all “Hey, I got arrested and have to go to court and can you please drive me there because they took my license away? Also, my kids are gonna come live here with me for like, 2 or 3 weeks and maybe they will stay forever. That’s cool, right?”.

Could be that your renter turns out to be a reclusive hoarder who packs the bedroom she is living in to the ceiling with junk, but you don’t really notice how much she has in there until it’s too late. Also she has a cat. Also she’s morbidly obese and orders a pizza and three sub sandwiches and keeps them in her room to eat on for two days. Also she decides to move to another country and doesn’t start packing until the night before her flight. Also after she’s gone, you realize she’s left 50 (I am not exaggerating, y’all) bags of trash, a bed, a table, an office chair and a dirty litter box in her room for you to dispose of. Also she emails you a week later to ask when you will be sending her deposit back. Also you totally flip out and write back that it will be a cold day in hell when she gets her deposit back and then spend two weeks obsessively cleaning the room while whispering “unclean…unclean…”.

And then maybe after all of those morons, you somehow get lucky and your next renter is great. He’s your son’s friend, so you worry at first that maybe this was a bad idea. But he is respectful and sweet and is sad when we are not home because “I miss you guys when you aren’t here”. He pays his rent on time. He is a little scared of making you mad, thanks to some well placed looks and comments about not pissing you off because you’re a fucking genius when it comes to intimidation. But he still says “bye family” when he leaves for work and sits down to tell us all about his day when he gets home. You know, like your own child would do if they weren’t going through a completely selfish and asshole-y phase right now. You have no complaints, things are going wonderfully.

And then?

The fucker has to go and ruin it by DELETING YOUR DVR RECORDING OF THE DR. PHIL CASEY ANTHONY PARENTS’ INTERVIEW.

Yeah.

He’s fucking terrified. He knows what he did and now he’s hiding from me. I haven’t seen him since Monday. I hope he’s prepared for when we meet again, because shit is about to go down, yo. You don’t fuck with a woman’s talk show recordings. Never. Never ever. I haven’t decided what I’m going to do yet. But retribution will be swift and terrible.


29 comments:

Moooooog35 said...

Oh, how I've missed coming here you fabulously beautiful woman.

*deletes Dr. Phil show and runs

JenGid said...

Random people fucking on your couch is nothing compared to deleting the Anthony Parents Interview. Smoke him out, and hang him by his toes.

brandy-son Zen master flash said...

Glad I finally got around to stopping by. So damn funny. I hope you get justice soon!

Ed said...

Slow your roll.

You can catch the replay and interview transcript online.

Not that it excuses his behavior. You should still superglue the tip of his penis shut while he is sleeping.

But at least you can catch what you missed.

Miss Yvonne said...

@Moooooog35 Awww, I've missed you too. I've been hiding from blog world, but I'm back bitches!

@JenGid Agreed. Don't you worry, I'm on it.

@brandy-son Thanks lady! Justice will be mine. Oh yes, it will be.

@Ed That's a seriously fucked up payback. I think I love you. Marry me?

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Aw, I fucking love it here. Best blog ever. Was it Emu who moved in with you? Wait. Emo. Emu? Emo? Am I having a stroke?

MamaMash said...

Holy shit, this is the funniest thing I've read this week. No lie. I'll be back for more later.

makingmonkeysoup.com said...

If I have something that is coming up to record, and my husband or kid messes it up they know that there is going to be hell to pay.

They are now trained to hand Momma the remote, (both the five year old and the fifty-two year old) so I can fix it, or make them suffer thru whatever crap I'm recording.

A Kitchen Witch said...

EMU? EMO? WTF? Oh, my GAHD! First, I'm already silently laughing in the library computer lab because I'm supposed to be doing homework, but am instead getting extreme merriment from your post. THEN, I read on to the comments and am sniggering even more at the superglued penie hole idea because that would have been so great on to use on my ex. THENNNN, I read the EMU/EMO conundrum and I think I peed a little from laughing so hard. Hey, maybe someone should superglue my pee-hole shut ; ()

Wonder Woman said...

HAHAHAHAa!! I mean..i'd be miffed...but come on!! He still beats the heck out of obese cat lady hoarder, collander ala fishshit, and dwi guy!!

Cut him some slack!!

Mandy_Fish said...

I don't need or want renters but I'm kind of tempted merely for the blog material.

Wow, that was awkward said...

Your pain is our gain via your awesome bloggnessess.

Cartoon Characters said...

Here you go - part one and two:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9Mxah2wqg0

I'd keep the kid and not torture him at all. He's scared and that's the main thing. :) It'll keep him in line from here on in. It's better than what you had before by a mile.... :)

Angie said...

In this case I would recommend doing his laundry for him and starching his underwear then sprinkling a bit of itching powder on them. Then you just casually say, "Don't feel bad. It wasn't that big of a deal. If you let it bother you you'll just break out in hives and be all itchy. Don't fret kiddo." Then smile and hand him some nice clean laundry.

Kristine said...

So, when we finally hang out, how about you come to MY house.

Actually, wait.

I totally want to come to your house. I'm bringing a camera. These people don't have photography clauses in their rental agreements, right?

Chunky Mama said...

Hahahahah
Poor kid.

AtYourCervix said...

My first thought: he's too good to be true. He's really a serial killer. Hide your knives.

And he's not scared of you - he's hiding out, plotting how he will kill you. Just kidding! (I hope.)

All kidding aside - he's probably scared out of his mind that he deleted your Dr Phil interview! Call him on his cell (I assume he owns one of those), and tell him to come on home already!

xoxo

Marty said...

ROFL!

Star1 said...

Lurker here...Funny..Sounds like you got the renters that i kicked out..

Wynn said...

Ahhhh poor thing, he must be so scared! You should just to the mom-disappointed thing because that hurts the most. People being DISAPPOINTED.

Brrrr.

Eva Gallant said...

I missed that show and didn't record it! I totally forgot; after having mentioned it several times to my husband in advance!! Duh!

Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...

I would seriously will be doing some harm. I watched, Dr. Phil did not disappoint...I won't say more so you don't kill me....

kyouell said...

I vote for calling him to come home and then just being very silent. Watching him a lot with that same look as Dr. Phil in that photo. Psych the boy out, leave him wondering when the other shoe will drop forever. I wouldn't do anything at all until something else happens and then strike INSTANTLY. Totally mess with his head.

BTW my verification word is "nucterd" -- just needed to share that with all the laughing pee-ers.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Dude, I can't vouch for Current Child Renter however, I FIND YOU FUCKING TERRIFYING! :)

That kid better be across state lines already and in witness protection.

Joanna Jenkins said...

I've been reading blogs for the past 3 hours and you bring me to tears cuz I'm laughing so hard.
Love you Miss Yvonne. xo jj

Logical Libby said...

Make him eat hot sauce and stand in a cold shower while you videotape it. That's called getting "Philed."

Rebekah Mae said...

God I don't know how you can stand to have renters in your house. (I mean...I know why but...) I have a nervous angry breakdown when I have family over at my place for two days!

Britt said...

I'm extremely relieved that I'm not the first person to think "Damn, these tiny forks are fit for some serious eyeball stabbings!"

Also, you're fantastically balls to the walls kind of funny and I'm most definitely following you. Watch your back.

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