Last week Captain Carl's cool Aunt S. came from Oklahoma for a short visit and overnight stay. We love it when she comes to see us because she's a totally fantastic person. Also, her Christmas gift to us this year was going out for dinner. Bonus! We love dinner!
Captain Carl's brother, Mailman Mike, also came over with his girlfriend so they could see Aunt S. and get in on her Christmas present. So we all drive to the restaurant, but we had to take two separate cars because there were so many of us. We chose a little Mexican food place, which was okay...nothing spectacular, except that The Kiddo and I loved the salsa so much we wanted to drink it. No one else liked it as much as we did, so clearly they are dumb and have no taste.
A good time was had by all, we leave and I'm riding home in Aunt S.'s car with The Kiddo and Captain Carl. Mailman Mike and Girlfriend J are in the other. Unfortunately, Aunt S.'s car chose that moment to get a flat tire. But fortunately, we had another car and we were only about 3 miles from our house.
Captain Carl takes everyone home with him except Mailman Mike and myself. We volunteered to stay behind with the car and wait until Captain Carl came back with a flashlight and tools. Plus, I saw a cat across the street and I wanted to catch him and take him home, thus completing my trio of cats and hereby becoming a true Crazy Cat Lady.
So first I try sneaking up on the cat. Which is like trying to sneak up on Chuck Norris. Impossible. Then I give up because Mailman Mike notices that there is a guy watching me from his front window as I duck walk across his lawn in the dark. So I stand up and skip back to the car...because I figure if he sees me skipping he knows I'm not a burglar, just a mental patient.
When I get back to the car, I realize that about 20 people have driven by us and only one stopped to ask if we were alright. A few slowed down to stare, but most just kept on driving. We were in a residential neighborhood where the speed limit was 20...it's not like these people were going 60 and didn't have time to register that we needed help. So I got a little pissed off at the state of humanity in our country today. Then I got a good idea and quickly forgot about that.
I asked Mailman Mike if he thought someone would stop if I were alone and hurt on the side of the road. He gave a nervous half-laugh...cause he knows me and probably knew this wasn't going anywhere good.
Then I told him my awesome idea.
Me: Hey Mike, how about I lie down on the road next to the car, and when the next person turns onto the street, you stand over me with the tire iron and then when the headlights hit us, you turn and run in the other direction.
Mailman Mike: Uh, that probably wouldn't be a good idea.
Me: No it wouldn't be a good idea. It would be an AWESOME idea.
Mailman Mike: *blink*
Me: Do you think anyone would stop then?
Mailman Mike: Actually, they would probably follow me and ask if I needed help.
Me: Or! They would follow you and then shoot you. We are in Texas, after all.
Mailman Mike: True. I don't think this game would end well for me in either scenerio.
Me: Oh come on! I'll even twitch and drool to make it look authentic!
So we didn't do it, even though I know Mike would have totally been up for it if he'd had about 5 more margaritas. That's the difference between me and Mike. I will do the crazy shit when I'm totally drunk AND when I'm totally sober.
On Becoming My Grandmother
1 month ago