Monday, February 8, 2010

In Your Face. Or My Face. Or Your Mom's Face. Whichever.

So here's the deal. I'm flying out to Arizona in a few days to see my parents. I wanted to lose about 10 pounds before I get there because ever since I told my mom and dad in November that the Captain and I were on a weight loss program they've been all "So how's the diet coming?" and I'm all "It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change" and they're all "Are you less fat yet?" and I'm all "No not yet" and they're all "That's okay we still love you". Which basically means they kind of love me a little less but they can't say that because that would be bad parenting.

Yeah, I haven't lost a damn pound. I went to the doctor and whined about it and she's all "Are you exercising?" and I'm all "Fuck yeah I am!" and she's all *stare* and I'm all "I so totally am!" and she's all "How many days per week?" and I'm all "Ummm...five?" and she's all *blink* and I'm all "Four?" and she's all *foot tap* and I'm all "Maybe three times? A lady? Hahahaaa, get it?" and she's all "You need to exercise every day" and I'm all "For reals?" and she's all "Yes" and I'm all "Isn't there a pill I can take instead?" and she's all "Only if you want a heart murmur and kidney failure" and I'm all "Hmmm..." and she's all "I'm serious." and then I jumped out the window because I'm sorry but life isn't worth living if I have to spend 30 minutes of each day walking around and shit.

So then she was all "It will be very difficult for you to lose weight because of your asshat thyroid". Except maybe she didn't say "asshat" but whatevs. That's totally what she meant. So then I basically begged her to up my medication dosage and she totally wouldn't because according to her, my levels are normal. So I decided to get back at her by not exercising at all and eating everything within my reach for two weeks straight. Take that, sucka!

And now I have to get on an airplane and go see my parents and listen to my mom talk about how maybe I should speak with my oldest sister because she lost a bunch of weight and doesn't she look amazing and blah blah blah stomach stapling. Awesome.

Also? My face has decided to explode into an angry collection of red, itchy patches. Captain Carl thinks it's eczema, but I'm pretty sure it's from breaking down and finally buying a new bra that cost me $60 (fuckkk!) and now my face is protesting because my boobs are totally gonna get even more attention now. Well fuck that shit, face. You aren't the boss of me, face! I'm going to the dermatologist next week because I'll be damned if I'm giving my mom another thing to criticize about me. Oh honey, it never used to bother me that you were chubby because you had such a cute face...but now....oh dear.


omg hotttt!

I took this picture of myself in the car the other day because my hair was totally cooperating and being super cute and my face didn't look too fucked up because I totally punched those red itchy spots in the nards with five pounds of antibiotic cream and six pounds of cover up . I should be a doctor....of awesome! Ya feel me? Yeah you do! Up top!

*sigh*

Meh....I got nothin' today. I'm too busy scratching my forehead.

29 comments:

Kurt said...

I can't bring myself to make a "your mom" joke when you mention your mom in the post. That's like reading that there is going to be circus parade in town, so you go down there and shoot a clown. Too easy.

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

Personally, I always wished to have that thyroid condition where you're always super-skinny no matter what kinds of foul shit you shovel down your gullet. My sister-in-law has that, and she eats like a horse who shops at a candy store and still weighs a buck oh-five. *sigh*

The Vegetable Assassin said...

That is a CUTE picture. It's like you're telling the camera, "Hey honey. Would you ike a blow jay?" and the camera's all "I'm very flattered and tempted, however, I am lacking a penis, but maybe you can twiddle my exposure knob some?"

Marie said...

I bought a wii so I could get my excersise in and to date the only thing I have done is lay in the floor and play old Sonic the Hedghog games. I boxed one time but my arms hurt the next day so nope, not gonna do it again. However, my friend is coming to town in a few months for her class reunion and feel SUPER fat so I may have to give it another try.

erin said...

Yes you are indeed awesome in the looks department.

It sucks to lose weight. You have to change EVERYTHING to make a big difference and get down actual sizes.

And now I have a huge complex that I look exactly the same as I did before and the scale is just fucking with me.

AND I'm hungry for things I don't even like.

Oh well 20 more pounds to go. We can do it together! ha. That sounded so silly.

miss. chief said...

Argh I hate that whole "exercise" thing. Can't you just like, wish really hard or something instead?

Amanda said...

I hate exercising so much because I've been exercising 4 times a week for 3 weeks and I haven't lost a damn pound AND I'm sore AND I get so sweaty and gross. A pill would be so much easier and kidney failure has to be better than being all sweaty.

Jules said...

You look SUPER gorgeous! And a teacher in my building is taking those kidney killing pills. She's lost a bunch of weight and is still living. Although, I'd really kind of wish she wasn't....

just making my way said...

Seriously! I am totally annoyed about the whole "must exercise" thing. Stupid weight.

That is a totally hot picture of you. Buuuut, I kind of think you also owe us a picture of your boobs in your new $60 bra.

Carolyn...Online said...

I think your only choice here is to sneak up on your mom before she sees you and throw salt in her eyes. Then she'll be in eye patches the whole visit and you can just avoid the whole thing.

Tony said...

Why can't there be a disease where you could eat nothing but chocolate and it makes you lose weight? That would make life a whole lot easier. But God just had to be a cowboy, and he's like, "I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU ALL FAT UNLESS YOU EAT HEALTHY!"

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

You look super hot, like a Swedish model. Like whatsawhat in the James Bond movies.

I always wondered if amputees felt just a little bit lucky because they get to say things like, "Oh, I weigh 102 pounds, which is less than I weighed in high school! teehee!" Probably, huh.

I got you a scarf. Send me your address.

Prosy said...

I always fantasize about getting really sick, or breaking my jaw and having it wired shut for months, or being in a coma- but just for a few weeks. The coma is the ultimate fantasy, the pounds would MELT away, and you'd just wake up and be all, "hot damn, I'm skinny!"
your boobs have an attitude, sounds like. You need to keep those puppies in line.

Vic said...

You look beautiful! I'm still looking for my good side. I think it might actually be the back of my head.

They're doing a "health challenge" at work, Biggest Loser style. I've lost and regained the same three pounds for two months now, and the woman who keeps track of the numbers gives me little sad pats when I see her in the staff lounge.

Can't you just poke your mom in the eye, or remain in constant motion so she can't get a good fix on you? That's what I do.

Ed Adams said...

$60 for a Bra?!?!

DAMN!

For that kind of money, I could of had your mom.!

Three times!


hahahahah

See Kurt, just because it's "too easy" doesn't make it wrong. It makes it your mom.

adrienne said...

i think i just fell in love with ed adams.

is it rude to come to your comment page and hit on your friends and not even mention your post? is it?

seriously, though. 'it makes it your mom'. i love him.

i do.

http://adriennepatrick.typepad.com/my-blog/

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

Easy. Wear lots of blush and suck your cheeks in SLIGHTLY and your mom will be all "OMG, you totally lost weight! I can see it in your face!" and you'll be like, "Naturally."

Done.

Hippo Brigade said...

You momz should be real proud of you. Because you're haliarious! Wait, did I spell that right? This comment box doesn't have spell check. Lame. I'm gonna go now, and learn how to spell words.

Sarah P said...

OMG. I was going to leave you a comment earlier, but I saw your picture and had to go masturbate.

Awkward?

I didn't think so.

Don't worry about your mom. My mother is obsessed with the thickness, neatness and, generally, all other qualities of my eyebrows. Last year, after a visit, my husband said to me, "Dude. Your mom is ob-sessed with your eyebrows."

Because I'm Chewbacca.

Call me, hottie! XX

Just.Kate said...

Um, RAWR. *fans self*

I don't know about you, but I prefer to wear a lot of black clothing and really tall shoes and wave a switch blade in my mother's general direction.

She still asks me what size I'm wearing, but I still get those few moments pre-criticism.

Megs said...

I don't think that more exercise thing really works, because then I just have to eat more...oh.

Well, shit.

That's a great picture. Love your glasses.

The Peach Tart said...

Well honey I think you look pretty fucking amazing. Tell Mama to suck it...that we "don't need no haters".

diane said...

I totally love that picture of you. You should make about 100 copies of them and tape them up all over your mother's house when she's not looking.

Kim said...

Two of my sisters got gastric surgery and the other one does lots of meth, or heroine, or whatever, so I'm now the fat chick in the family. Sucks.

Moooooog35 said...

So you buy a $60 bra and talk about it rocking your boobs and we get a picture of your face that may or may not have five pounds of spackle covering your herpes sores.

Sorry. 'Strange rash.'

It's like dangling a pedophile in front of Chris Hansen and then the cameras go out.

Gyp.

BugginWord said...

I ate cake for breakfast. It's a lifestyle change. Stick that in your $60 bra.

No don't. Moooooog35 is already overly excited.

I bet the bra is almost as foxy as that uber cute haircut!

Heather said...

That Kurt guy up there is a better stalker than me. He is always like your very first commenter. He must sit outside your bedroom window and as soon as you hit submit he's like BAM! First! and then he runs away giggling and saying your mom.

I like your hair.

Fireblossom said...

I'm here by way of Joanna's Fifty factor. Well, so, don't just stand there, get my my damn Welcome Pack.

My mom's better (at dissing me) than your mom, cos my mom eats ken l ration, my mom's better than yours. My mom delivers monologues about my weight in her mock-concerned I-go-to-Weight-Watchers-when-I hit-115-pounds-and-you-should-too voice, in front of guests. That's right, how do you like me now, B, uh huh.

She liked my hair better the way I used to have it, too.

Now that I feel all empowered and junk, I'm going.

Maxie said...

You can always be all like "oh well I DID lose 10 lbs, I just lost 10 lbs that i gained that you didn't know about"

That's always my policy.

And if anyone brags about stomach stapling just show them this link.