So my parents have a pretty sweet deal living at this retirement village in Arizona. It's like college for old people. Seriously. Walk down the street anytime of the day and you'll find at least one drunk geezer. And if there's one, there are at least three more not too far from him. Because they travel in packs there. And if you walk by during happy hour, you will be invited to sit down and have a cocktail and maybe some snacks and maybe someone accidentally spills a drink on you and maybe someone else accidentally drops their napkin and could you pick that up for me sugar? it's just so hard to bend over that far.
Also? Bicycles everywhere. The clubhouse has about ten bike racks and during peak tennis/shuffleboard hours, they are filled to capacity. And holy fuck, the golf carts. And they're all driven by dirty old men chewing on cigars with a can of Miller in one hand and the other on their little golf cart horns that they beep at all the women they pass. And when they see a woman under the age of 50? Holy hell. You haven't lived until you've been hit on by a guy with a walker wearing black knee socks with sandals.
I think my favorite part of this place is the spy cameras. Only they don't call them spy cameras, they call them "surveillance cameras" but whatever because everyone has three channels on their tv that show the cameras at the entrance to the village and at the tennis and shuffleboard courts and at the swimming pool. I found out about them after the first night I went swimming. I came back home and my mom was all "I saw you doing laps!" and I was all "How? You weren't there" and she was all "I saw you on tv" and she showed me the channels and I was all "Holy shit, how could I have been here two days already and not know about this!". Because hello? awesome!
And I know the gossipy old ladies totally use the spy cameras to see what's what. One of them is all "Let's go down and play shuffleboard, Betty" and the other one is all "Let's see who's there first" and then they turn on channel 4 and they're all "Oh hell no, that bitch Doris is playing. I am not playing with her, she makes terrible deviled eggs and she wore a shirt last week to bingo night that showed way too much cleavage".
Yeah, so every night I would sit and watch the spy cameras and my mom was all "You don't even know who those people are!" and I was all "Ssshhhh, I'm busy spying". I kept hoping I'd catch someone having sex in the hot tub. The closest I got was some guy who looked like he was masturbating for a minute but it turned out he was just having a seizure. Meh.
A Lifetime Sentence
2 weeks ago