Thursday, March 4, 2010

I Never Did Find Where They Were Having The Kegger

So my parents have a pretty sweet deal living at this retirement village in Arizona. It's like college for old people. Seriously. Walk down the street anytime of the day and you'll find at least one drunk geezer. And if there's one, there are at least three more not too far from him. Because they travel in packs there. And if you walk by during happy hour, you will be invited to sit down and have a cocktail and maybe some snacks and maybe someone accidentally spills a drink on you and maybe someone else accidentally drops their napkin and could you pick that up for me sugar? it's just so hard to bend over that far.

Also? Bicycles everywhere. The clubhouse has about ten bike racks and during peak tennis/shuffleboard hours, they are filled to capacity. And holy fuck, the golf carts. And they're all driven by dirty old men chewing on cigars with a can of Miller in one hand and the other on their little golf cart horns that they beep at all the women they pass. And when they see a woman under the age of 50? Holy hell. You haven't lived until you've been hit on by a guy with a walker wearing black knee socks with sandals.

I think my favorite part of this place is the spy cameras. Only they don't call them spy cameras, they call them "surveillance cameras" but whatever because everyone has three channels on their tv that show the cameras at the entrance to the village and at the tennis and shuffleboard courts and at the swimming pool. I found out about them after the first night I went swimming. I came back home and my mom was all "I saw you doing laps!" and I was all "How? You weren't there" and she was all "I saw you on tv" and she showed me the channels and I was all "Holy shit, how could I have been here two days already and not know about this!". Because hello? awesome!

And I know the gossipy old ladies totally use the spy cameras to see what's what. One of them is all "Let's go down and play shuffleboard, Betty" and the other one is all "Let's see who's there first" and then they turn on channel 4 and they're all "Oh hell no, that bitch Doris is playing. I am not playing with her, she makes terrible deviled eggs and she wore a shirt last week to bingo night that showed way too much cleavage".

Yeah, so every night I would sit and watch the spy cameras and my mom was all "You don't even know who those people are!" and I was all "Ssshhhh, I'm busy spying". I kept hoping I'd catch someone having sex in the hot tub. The closest I got was some guy who looked like he was masturbating for a minute but it turned out he was just having a seizure. Meh.

22 comments:

Sarah said...

"The closest I got was some guy who looked like he was masturbating for a minute but it turned out he was just having a seizure."

HOT!

The cameras would freak me out. At the pool?! So everyone can see me pick my front wedgie? No, thank you.

Ed said...

Maybe it was a self love seizure.

This place sounds like Disneyland for Geezers.

otherworldlyone said...

But after you found out about the cameras, did you do things purposefully in front of them?? Like pop out a boob? I'll bet you did.

Moooooog35 said...

Seizure masturbation is the bestest kind.

Don't judge the geezers. They really know their shit.

KLaw said...

Oh snap! That was hilarious :)

Mama Wheaton said...

I want some brochures on this place! It sounds freakin wonderful!

Megs said...

My mom lives in a place a little like that, in that they are all over the age of 62, but its not so fancy. They have no pool, no spy cameras, etc. They have to content themselves with spying the old fashioned way.

There's a lot of peaking out the window. And that one woman who always wears the shorts is a hussy. Its pretty much exactly like Peyton Place.

It gives me hope for my own future, frankly.

diane said...

"You haven't lived until you've been hit on by a guy with a walker wearing black knee socks and sandals". Hahahaha. Gawd Yvonne, I really love you.
I have a jacket that's a geezer magnet, I swear. I've seen q-tips almost crash their cars when they pass me in that jacket.

Lindsay said...

This place is sounding more and more like Geezer Wisteria Lane.

miss. chief said...

That place is like heaven plus spy cameras. Heaven deluxe.

*G*R*U*N*T*I*L*D*A* said...

You'd think all those lushing seniors would do the lamp shade proper routine more often for the camera crew...alcohol tolerance level must be off the charts over there...

bikramyogachick said...

Oh, this is such good stuff! I'm not proud, I totally want to be hit on by an old geezer with a walker....

Kim said...

We visited my mother-in-law at the nudie camp where everyone is old and saggy except for one chick who was probably in her 30's-- she was in the hot tub with like 5 old guys!

Tony said...

This post makes me sad only because I know that no man with a walker and high black socks will ever hit on me. Unless he's gay. But even then...sigh.

kate said...

I can't wait to get old...

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

You would love playing shuffleboard with me. I make terrific deviled eggs.

And I'd be flashing those spy cameras all over the place. I mean, when's the last time any of those geezers got a glimpse of some real-live boobies that don't swing tennis-balls in tube socks?

They should be rewarded for not dying yet, right? Give em da boobies.

BeckEye said...

Ed's comment brings up the point that "Self Love Seizure" is an amazing name for a punk band.

Little Ms Blogger said...

So are you thinking of getting one for your homestead - particularly for future Renty's place?

Jules said...

I want to live there. REALLY badly. I want spy cameras in my house, too. I think I'll research them.

KATHY said...

OMG! THAT PLACE IS MY HEAVEN! I WANT TO LIVE THERE AND SPY ON EVERYONE....THEN TALK ABOUT THEM WHLE I DRINK A BIG COSMO AND SPREAD MY LEGS SO THE DIRTY OLD MEN CAN GET A CHUBBY.

Char said...

OMG, I know that all you youngstas think this is just too funny (and it is, except I am one). Everything we do is centered around bountiful alcahol consumption. But we do have a GOOD TIME......we'll leave the light on for ya.

xoxo

Qoddess said...

You've been quoted!

http://qoddessquotesblogs.blogspot.com/2010/03/quotes-march-13-2010.html