Friday, August 20, 2010

National Cat Puke Day

Captain Carl loves my cats. But he spends a lot of time pretending that he hates them.

Anyone Who Has Ever Visited Our House: Thanks for having us over!
Captain Carl: It was great! Don’t forget to take your free cat on the way out.
Visitor: What?
Captain Carl: It's your parting gift.
Me: No.
Captain Carl: Yep, pick whichever one you want. We have several to choose from.
Me: We only have two and no.
Captain Carl: We have white and black. The white one is cute but dumb. The black one will probably try to kill you in your sleep.

Captain Carl’s Mom on the phone: When are y’all coming to see us again?
Captain Carl: We’ll be there tomorrow. But just to drop off the cats.
Mom: What?
Captain Carl: You know. So they can live with you and not me.
Mom: I don’t think your wife will let you do that.
Captain Carl: Don’t worry about that…I’ll tell her we’re taking them to a kitty spa. She won’t know until it’s too late.
Me: I’m sitting right here, asshole.
Captain Carl: Abort mission! Enemy has infiltrated base camp! Whoop whoop!

Renty: Well, I’m heading to the pool.
Captain Carl: Don’t forget to let the cats out.
Me: No. The cats don’t ever go out.
Captain Carl: Sure they do. You just forgot.
Me: No.
Captain Carl: Look at them! All sad and shit because they want to go outside.
Me: They are indoor cats. They don’t have any claws or survival skills.
Captain Carl: Even better!
Me: No!
Captain Carl: *looking at Renty* I will lower your rent by $100 if you let the cats out.
Renty: Uhhh, ha ha haaa...
Me: *points at Captain Carl* Don't make me hurt you.
Captain Carl: Who let the cats out? Who who who who!

Me: I’m leaving for work…have a good day.
Captain Carl: You too! Don’t forget to put the trash out and also to put the cats in the trash.
Me: Ha ha...not happening.
Captain Carl: I’m pretty sure today is National Take Your Cat To Work Day.
Me: Nope.
Captain Carl: National Take Your Cats To The Animal Shelter To Be Euthanized Day?
Me: Shut up.
Captain Carl: National Drive Your Cats To The Middle Of Nowhere, Dump Them On The Side Of The Road And Leave Them For Dead Day?

And just when I begin to worry that being stuck in the house all day with two stinky fur balls is getting to be too much for him, something like this happens:

Email From: Captain Carl
Subject: Good Boy

Have I told you lately how much I love your cats? Because today? I really really do.


My cats live to see another day.


erin said...

I hate cats. Jeremiah LOVES cats.

We currently have a visitor of the feline persuasion that I call 'Intruder'.
He hangs out on our porch 2-3 days per week and lays on my favorite lounge chair. Hairing it all up yo.

I hate Intruder.

But Jeremiah whines when Intruder doesn't visit. "Aww! Erin! I was really hoping Intruder would be here today. He's so cute."

Egads y'all.

Moooooog35 said...

Captain Carl may be my soulmate.

kate said...

That is an epic amount of cat vomit. What are you feeding those thigns??

Untypically Jia said...

My husbands Dad is the same way about cats. Once we were driving by and saw a "Reward $200 Lost Cat" and my FIl said, "Seems like a lot of money for a cheap meal."

Miss Vintage Vixen said...

I want a cat-- but for some reason I keep on seeing these little hidden messages on why I shouldn't have a cat.

Right now, I'm kindasortaprettymuch not wanting any cat puke on me.

Wow, that was awkward said...

I have to back the Captain on this one. I think all cats should be set free, to live in the wild, like the tigers and lions. And maybe if we are lucky, the lions and tigers will eat the cats.

Didactic Pirate said...

Captain Carl is my hero. Just saying.

P.S. Nothing makes my morning cereal more appetizing than eating it while looking at pictures of cat puke. Nummers.

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

"Don’t forget to put the trash out and also to put the cats in the trash."

haha. oh, Carl.

Scooter said...

so its the exact opposite for me. my roommate looooooves our cat. i tolerate her until shes super cute. i call her the demon because she refuses to get mad and pee on his stuff despite him being the one that forgot to clean her box. stupid cat...

VM Sehy Photography said...

Thanks for the laugh. I needed it. It's a good thing that Captain Carl figured out cats can be useful. Fortunately for me, my husband loves our cat or I might come home from Iowa and find our house short one pet.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Very funny. I had cats once-- Only once. That was enough for me. I knew Natl. Cat Puke Day all to well.

Ed said...

The captain knows a good pussy when he sees it.

Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...

I have an old maiden lady living inside the body of my cat (I swear!) but hubs LOVES her. He said if anything should happen he is taking the cat. Figures. But Mrs.Pearl never pukes...unless you give her salami, in which case who wouldnt?

Anonymous said...

They threw up on Renty's shoes because he's french kissing them.....

Hubby "saves" cats. We have 7. But since two of them sometimes pee in the house, he yells and cusses at them and threatens to throw them outside. Ironically, the two who do it are our disabled ones. One is blind and the other only has one eye.


justmakingourway said...

I never find cat puke in any good places.

diane said...

Yep, my best friend's cat did a runny poop in my slipper and I put my foot in it. I think cats have a sense of humor.

Kristine said...

I just read this aloud to my husband and he was cracking up. He regularly refers to our cats as "DICK!" and "SHITHEAD!" and "YOU FUCK!" It's cute, really.

Then I told him you're my new Texas BFF and he looked at me funny. You don't have to invite him over if you don't want.

cfoxes33 said...

Crack me up!

otherworldlyone said...

Kitties are awesome.

And so are you and Capt. Carl. The back and forth between ya'll is ALWAYS hilarious.

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

ugh... nothing like waking up in the middle of the night to the "-guh -Guh -GUH!" sound of a cat getting read to heave on your comforter.

i lolled all the way through your convos with CC.