Friday, February 26, 2010

Check Out The Cheeseburger On That Guy

I've never posted pictures of any of our renters for obvious reasons. But I really really wanted to give you an idea of what Renty looks like when he's kind of drunk and/or overly excited about something. He looks like the Jack Nicholson Joker, except thinner and younger and without the hat and clown makeup.



His smile covers the entire width of his face. It's equal parts hilarious and endearing and creepy.


So Renty hasn't had a whole lot to be joker face smiley about lately. I'm not going to list his person problems here because that's his story to tell, not mine. And also because I like not getting sued. Because I still can't decide if he knows about this blog or not. Probably not, but he tells me every day that he's "keepin' it real"...like he's trying to fuck with me and be all "I totally know about your little blog and how you make fun of me and my sayings and the way I make out with your cat".

So last night, Renty comes home from work and starts going through the mail. There's a small package for him and he gets all excited and rips it open. I'm watching the Olympics because I love sports and international relations and feel-good stories about snowboarders with head injuries and ohmygod sled dogs!!! So I'm all wrapped up in the latest Lindsay VonBlondeHair wipeout when Renty walks over and is all "Check out my new cd case!" and I look over and he's holding a giant cheeseburger in his hand.

I'm all "Ummmm, hahaaa nice cheeseburger?" and his joker smile gets even more jokery and he's all "It's a cd case!" and I'm all "Oh. Neat." and he's all *zip zip zip* "See? It opens where the meat part is and that's the inside where the cd's go!" and I'm all "Huh." and he's all *crazy smile crazy smile crazy smile* and I'm all "It's puffy" and he's all *creepy joker face stare* and I'm all *nervous laugh* "I mean, wow! Awesome! I'd never guess that cheeseburger has cd's inside it!" and he's all "It only cost me five dollars on ebay!" and I was all "And now your cd's are nestled snug between two buns. Just like your mom." and he's all "What? Oh! I get it! Haha haaaa ha haaaaaaaha aaahaaaaaaaseriouslyscaryjokersmileyface!!!!".

Then he put his cheeseburger cd holder in the pantry next to his tortilla chips. For reals.



21 comments:

StorytellERdoc said...

LOL...too fricking funny! My in-laws have rentals and some of the stories they tell...I can only imagine what this renty's place will look like after he leaves...I'm guessing you'll be doing a lot of cleaning. Thanks for cracking me up this am.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Your mom opens where the meat part is and that's where all the CDs go.

diane said...

Give him notice to move, now. Tell him that you need the room for your sister or something. Seriously. Cause in my head, which is a rare treat, I saw all kinds of bad scenarios with creepy Renty, involving burger-like objects and *ssholish laughing. Omg, where's the cat, have you seen the cat?

Secret Agent K said...

Wonder how he came about a cd case shaped like a burger on ebay...

Wtf was HE searching for?

PS Is it wrong that I bought my two year old son a shirt that says that's what she said?

Tony said...

I used to have a cheeseburger CD case. I should look for it, and send it to you, so you can be like, "Hey, Renty, mine's better!"

just making my way said...

I'm so happy to have a face to relate to Renty now. Even if it is slightly alarming.

Who the HELL orders a cheeseburger CD case off of E-bay!?!?

Logical Libby said...

Wow. Does he have a special case for his VHS tapes too? And his photo negatives?

Sorry, that's the best I can come up with. Steamy wins. She always wins. Damn it.

Miss Yvonne said...

StorytellERdoc: I'm always doing a lot of cleaning. ALWAYS.

Steamy: When Renty said that part, my head almost exploded and I knew I had to write it here for you and Kurt.

diane: He probably tried to stuff the cat in his cheeseburger (eew), but she's managed to escape so far.

Secret Agent K: No, it is not wrong. In fact, you should get a great parenting award for buying that t-shirt.

Tony: If you send me your cheeseburger cd holder, I will send you a penis straw.

just making my way: The answer to your question is this: weirdo cat fetish men.

Logical Libby: I don't know about the vhs tapes, but he did buy one of those old videocameras that uses them to record on. True story. It's like he's buying his way back to the 80's.

kate said...

Now, I've found some good shit on eBay before, but nothing quite as awesome as a cheeseburger CD case...Renty must have some mad online bidding skillz.

Sarah P said...

This is proof he knows about the blog.

I mean - come ON - he has to, right?!

He doesn't think he can eat the CD holder, does he?

The mad woman behind the blog said...

If a Mickey Mouse phone arrives, you know he's hooked on the 80s.

BTW: I'm a little hooked myself. Come by and take a look.

Sorry for the shameless plug.

miss. chief said...

your blog is one of those ones that never fails to entertain me. Today was no exception. Ah, renty, why are you so crazy?

Mama Wheaton said...

Joker smile and a cheeseburger CD case well he's a keeper. Maybe he can find you a kitty cat remote control holder or something else equally needed on e-bay?

BugginWord said...

I laughed so hard I knocked my giant swatch watch off the wall. Fortunately the pile of legwarmers broke its fall.

Tgoette said...

O-Kay! I'm officially creeped out! Renty sounds like someone I wouldn't want around any sharp objects if you know what I mean. Great post!

Moooooog35 said...

Does he sometimes go by his middle name?

All serial killers sometimes go by their middle name.

If it's 'Lee,' then you're really truly fucked.

*G*R*U*N*T*I*L*D*A* said...

I'd put a "do not microwave" label on that case if I were you...

Amanda said...

Do you think he was actively searching for a cheeseburger CD case on ebay? Cause how else would he know about it? It's even creepier if he was searching for it.

Carolyn...Online said...

Maybe you should have an illegal stash of horse tranquilizers on hand. You know, just in case.

justbarely said...

Send him on a mission to get a cheeseburger phone. Because nothing raises property value more than meat themed household appliances.

Leslie said...

I read this, and was fine until th end.. and i busted out laughing.