Monday, February 1, 2010

I'm On To Him

Captain Carl says he hates my cat, Max. He says he hates her because she peed on our living room carpet so much that we had to rip it out and replace it with laminate so she wouldn't do it again. He says he hates her because she yowls for her brother, Boo, in the middle of the night. He says he hates her because she likes to be thumped instead of petted (is that a word?) and then when you thump too long she bites you. He says he hates her because whenever we talk to each other, Max tries to get in between us like a jealous child. He says he hates her because she won't cover her poop up in the litter box. He says he hates her because sometimes she'll drag that poop out of the litter box in an apparent silent protest of whatever she's pissed off about that day.

But I'm on to him.
Oh yes I am.

I'm on to him because I see him stop vacuuming (yes he vacuums...jealous much?) when Max is freaking out about the loud noise. I'm on to him because I hear him talk baby talk to her when he thinks no one is listening. I'm on to him because when he grabs a blanket to sit under on the couch, he leaves a bit of it on the couch next to him so Max can sit on it and then lets her snuggle up against him. I'm on to him because he makes sure she has plenty of food on the nights I forget to feed them.
So listen up, Captain. You don't fool me one little bit with your "Hey Max, wanna take a ride in the dryer?" and "Hey Max, wanna see the inside of the microwave?" and Hey Max, let's go take a walk in the field across the street!" and "Hey Max, want me to teach you how to use the handsaw?". Oh no you don't. Because I just heard you ask the cat you hate so much "Are you cold, old lady?" and then I saw you thump her a couple times and scratch her ears and pull her a little closer to you on the blanket.

Nice try, but I'm on to you.

And so is Max.


Do as I say, or I will seriously fuck your shit up.

26 comments:

Moooooog35 said...

..just wait to you come around the corner and you see him dabbing tuna fish on his wiggly.

Be careful what you wish for.

Sarah P said...

Why is that so funny and so cute at the same time?

I threaten that I am not above having my cats stuffed and mounted.

Weird how cats have this way of rolling their eyes at you without being physically capable of rolling their eyes.

miss. chief said...

Dr.C actually hates my cat, I think. But he pretends he doesn't for my sake. It's not very funny and cute like your situation is.

It's more like one day I'm gonna come home and he's going to be wearing new white-fur boots.

Tony said...

Aw...Captain Carl is such a softy. I just realized that I saw you and your husband on TV every week. The episode I remember the most is the one where Pee Wee decides to open a restaurant in his playhouse. Sigh...those were the days.

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

i'm touched.

will you stop it already?

bikramyogachick said...

we could all take lessons from cats. they can be complete and utter shits and still wrap you around their um, paws.

Vic said...

You could totally tell from his "hell-no-no-more-pets-in-THIS-house!" guest post that CC loves him some kitties.

Moooog's comment reveals an uncomfortable familiarity with fishy wigglies.

Spot said...

I'm pretty sure I'm owned by cats much like Max. And my hubby is the same way. It's like it threatens his manhood or something to admit he likes them. But I see the signs.

And I'm pretty sure the he wouldn't put tuna on his wiggly because cats tongues are really rough and they have a tendency to nip. That might be ouchy...unless he's totally into S&M. Hmmm...well maybe I'll just stay vigilant and count tuna cans...

♥Spot

diane said...

O.k., first of all, stop it with the fish wiggly stuff everybody, ick.
There now. I for one would like to hear more stories about the Captn. and the pussy.

Hahaha, no way! My word ver. is fingi! I win!

Ed Adams said...

It's obvious that he loves your pussy.

Lindsey said...

Your one eyed cat kinda scares me.

I had a cat that would bite me if I passed the petting limit too..what is that all about anyways?

Little Ms Blogger said...

I wonder if he is being nice to her to gang up on you the next time you mention you want a dog.

Heather said...

Aww I believe your Cap'n has fallen in love with another pussy.

Lindsay said...

A female cat named Max? I don't get it...

The Vegetable Assassin said...

AWWWW! See this is why you really couldn't have Carlos. He didn't want anything to interfere with his Max love. Either that or he thought he'd shred every last shred of his hard street cred badassness if you got a dog and he ended up being in love with that too. :)

Janine@Shelf Life said...

yeah, they all say they hate the cat. But cats have a way of changing the minds of those who hate them most.

kate said...

Dude...is Max related to my cat, Gus? Gus does the whole jealous-I-must-be-in-between-you-at-all-times and he bites you when he's done being petted. Does Max 'scream' more than 'meow'? My cat does it and it's freaking weird...and he totally likes Sam more than me. Evil cats.

Amanda said...

This is about par for the course for cats, huh? Ours are totally the bosses. Captain Carl has just learned his place! Totally sweet.

Tony Spunk said...

All men are too blase to admit they like pussies of the cat variety. Or dogs. Unless the dogs are huge, hairy, toothy dogs who drool then it's acceptable to declare love as it's chomping on our arm or humping our leg. Those fluffy little white dogs that people carry around in their handbag? We don't admit to liking those dogs. That would be like saying we like wearing ballet slippers and braiding our hair.

I hope you've enjoyed this lesson on "being a man".

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I swear your cat looks just like my daughter's guinea pig named Max.

Jugs!!

Jules said...

I like that you have a girl cat named MAX.

And my dad is the same way with their cat. He calls her 'Crabby', her name is 'Gabby'. But then you see him sneak on the ground and play with her.

Such wusses.

Kurt said...

Your mom likes to be thumped instead of petted.

I can't believe no one else said that.

I also can't believe how flexible your mom is.

BugginWord said...

Fish wigglies are still better than kitty shishkebabs. I'm always afraid I'll come home to find kitty and hubby in THAT compromising pose.

Megs said...

Maybe he's just trying to confuse you. Men are tricksy that way.

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit said...

You know, now you mention it, I used to be like that to my old cat! I wonder if it's a bloke thing? :D

Laura said...

The not-burying-her-poop thing? That's a total dominance move. In the wild, all cats bury their poop except the dominate one- everyone else has to smell the dominate one's stinky poo. So when your cat doesn't bury it, poops outside the box, or drags it outside the box, it's trying to make a play for control of the household.

My cat once got pissed off at a house guest, and snuck into his bedroom and deposited a giant pile of crap right in the middle of the guy's pillow. It was a pretty effective way of saying "Suck it bitch" (or rather, "SMELL IT, bitch")