I'm Talking Sexy Talk In Here. I'm Also Talking Giveaway. And Laser Cats! Pew Pew! Also, One Of These Things Is Not True.

First of all, if you were hoping that I would be talking about laser cats in this post, you are about to be sorely disappointed, my sad sad friend.

Okay, so Valentine's Day is coming up soon. Women everywhere are fantasizing about what amazing presents they will get from their significant other. And men are...well, they aren't thinking about it at all and let's face it, they won't until maybe February 13 if you're lucky.

Because I'm a woman (hells yeah I am! *sensual self boob honk*), my thoughts have already gone to the place where even the most strong of men fear to tread. That's right, romance town. Oh, how I love romance town. It's that magical place where ladies come home from work to find a trail of rose petals to the bedroom, where their men are waiting with a bubble bath, candles, champagne and a ready-for-cunnilingus face and maybe there are some flowers there and rainbows with unicorns frolicking under them. Also, all the men are George Clooney.

But ladies, let's get real here. How can we expect our men to go all out in the romance department when a) they aren't built to remember to do shit like that and b) we don't usually reciprocate. And by "reciprocate", I mean "give up that kinky, hot, stinky sex they really really like but you only want to do every so often because that position makes your stomach all squishy and sometimes makes you fart for some reason, which is weird because who knew The Reverse Mambo would have that effect? "

And this is where my good friends at EdenFantasys come in. Pay attention. Go to this website. Go there now. Buy something sexy to wear, or something kinky to watch, or something penis-shaped to put in your box. Ha, that kind of rhymed. Watch and box. I'm awesome.

Seriously though, every relationship (especially long-term ones) can use a little spicing up. Don't feel comfortable with a dildo? Then maybe try a sexy outfit instead. Or order an erotic book and read to each other. And if you're single? Oh damn girl, please do yourself a favor and order a vibrator and then use it on Valentine's Day while watching George Clooney in that movie with the two chicks and he's on an airplane a lot and I think maybe he sleeps with one of the chicks or something? and then you can be all "I don't need no stinking man except to maybe open a pickle jar once in awhile and even then not really because I hate pickles!".

It'll be awesome, is what I'm saying.

Here's the other cool thing about EdenFantasys. They have this online community with reviews, forums and my favorite, Sexis, where you can find great articles about all kinds of sexy sex stuff and funny sex stuff and you get the idea. Plus The Bloggess writes there, so you know it has to be kick ass.

Just go over there and check it out, okay? Because something awesome is happening right here and you need to be familiar with their products...just in case you win.

That's right, I'm having a SEX TOY GIVEAWAY. Just like I promised. EdenFantasys has generously offered a $50 gift certificate to be used at their website for one winner here at Yo-Mama's Blog. Okay, so it isn't specifically a sex toy giveaway...I'm just assuming that is what you will pick to order with your gift certificate because that is exactly what I would do. And the giveaway isn't just for my sexy lady readers. I'm an equal opportunity sex toy giveaway-er, so you dudes hanging around here for the sensual boob honks should enter too.

Anyway, here's what you have to do to be eligible to win:

1. Leave a comment here with the item you would buy at EdenFantasys if you win.
   
2. Become a follower of Yo-Mama's Blog, if you aren't already.

To get a bonus entry, you can do one or both of the following:

1. Mention my giveaway in a post on your own blog with a link to this post.
2. Tweet about my giveaway with a link to this post.
   

Please let me know in the comments or via email if you have done one or both of the above for extra entries.

That's it. One winner will be chosen at random on Friday, February 4, to win the $50 EdenFantasys gift certificate.

Good luck, bitches!

Rockin' Out, Lawrence Welk Style

We went out last weekend. We went to a basketball game. After the game we didn't go home and put on our pajamas, but instead went to a bar. And stayed there until 11:30pm. Because we can still party hardcore, yo.

If I Win, You Will Get Sex Toys

Remember how when you were in high school and you really wanted to be part of the popular group, so you started dressing like them and doing your hair like them and following their group through the hallways between classes, inching closer and closer every day and laughing every time they laughed even though you couldn't hear what they were talking about? And then you started dating the best friend of the most popular girl's boyfriend so that you pretty much had to be admitted into the group via tongue kissing and bad hand jobs? And then Homecoming week came and you prayed to baby Jesus that you would just get nominated for queen, because you knew Heidi was totally going to win no matter what but if you could just get a nomination your popularity would completely sky rocket and ohmygod what if I get nominated and give people things in exchange for their votes, like maybe candy bars and condoms and then I end up winning????? So then you have your plan in place to completely usurp Heidi and you're all jumpy and clappy during the pep rally where they announce the nominees for homecoming queen and guess what? You didn't even get nominated. And while you are standing there pretending not to care and totally not crying, you see all the truly popular girls that got nominated giving you the "you'll never really fit in so why bother trying" face?

Remember that? No? Just me then?

Well whatever. Because here I am again, desperately trying to get into the cool people club. Only this time it involves bloggers, not bitchy high school girls or bad hand jobs. Or ummm, any kind of hand jobs...which is kind of too bad because I got really good at that. You know, in case you were wondering. Which I'm sure you are totally not, because why would you wonder about that? Seriously, you people need help.

Anyway, what I'm trying to tell you is that I totally got nominated for something way more awesome than homecoming queen. Suck it, Heidi.

Voting has started for the 2011 Boomerang Awards at Studio30+. I'm up for a few and since I'm desperate for your love and acceptance and also since I learned my lesson in high school, I am bribing you for votes.

*ahem*

VOTE FOR ME AND IN RETURN, I PROMISE TO DO A SEX TOY GIVEAWAY.

ta-da!

Of course, I can't really verify if you actual vote for me or not, but I'm counting on the honor system. And fine, I am doing this giveaway whether you vote for me or not because I feel a little bad about bribing people for votes because it kind of tarnishes the validity of anything I might win. Just like the time my office voted for employee of the month once and I gave everyone lollipops that had little flags attached to the stick that said "Vote for Miss Yvonne" and then I totally won which was awesome but also kind of pathetic. But shut up about it, because I'm making this my campaign platform.

That's right. A sex toys for votes platform. Because I'm a genius.

So go here and vote for me. Or for whoever you like better than me, as long as they aren't named Heidi because I can't take that kind of rejection twice in a lifetime.

And then? SEX. TOY. GIVEAWAY.

This is totally happening.

French Toast Wishes & Honey Bunches Of Oats Dreams

Today is my birthday. I turned 37 years old. And I am broke. And have a job I don't really like. And there is a man who is currently dating a psychic that is renting one of my bedrooms. Also I'm fat.

Hooray! My life is awesome!

*sings theme from Mary Tyler Moore Show*

*throws hat in the air*

*does armpit fart*

I really am in a good mood today though, despite all that shit I listed up there. You know why? Because it is only 12:30pm and I've already got like 28 happy birthday messages on facebook. Yes! Thank you facebook for validating my birth!

I'm also in a good mood because I planned a surprise birthday party for Captain Carl last Saturday night and I totally pulled it off. And it totally made him all happy faced, so now I can hold that over his head the rest of the year every time he doesn't do what I want.

Captain Carl asked me where I wanted him to take me for my birthday dinner tonight. I told him I didn't want to go out.

Him: Are you sure? I'll take you wherever you want.

Me: Nah, I'd rather just come home from work and be at home in my pj's.

Him: Okay well, what do you want me to cook for you then?

Me: Hmmmm....

Him: Whatever you want.

Me: I want french toast.

Him: French toast?

Me: Yes.

Him: You want french toast for your birthday dinner?

Me: Yes.

Him: Are you being serious?

Me: Yes. Ohmygod I looooovvvveee french toast. So hard.

Him: Okay, french toast it is.

Me: And bacon!

Him: Okay, so breakfast for dinner.

Ohmygod, I love breakfast for dinner, y'all. The only thing I eat when Captain Carl is out of town for work is cereal and peanut butter toast. Case in point, this conversation literally just took place over the phone.

Him: Hey birthday girl.

Me: Hi! It is sooo totally my birthday today.

Him: So I'm on my way to the store to get the stuff for your french toast. Do you need me to pick up anything for the rest of the week since I will be out of town?

Me: Oh yeah, hmmm let me think...

Him: What do you want to cook while I'm gone?

Me: Just get me some cereal and milk.

Him: *brief silence* What?

Me: That's all I eat when you are gone.

Him: Are you a college student or something?

Me: I can't cook, I love breakfast for dinner. Done deal.

Him: Okay, what kind of cereal?

Me: Honey Bunches of Oats.

Him: At least you didn't say Fruit Loops or Cookie Crisp.

Me: Oooh, Cookie Crisp!

Him: You are a college student.

Me: Your mom's a college student. So the girls at work took me out for a birthday lunch.

Him: That's nice.

Me: Yeah. I was a little worried that you were going to show up while I was gone to surprise me for lunch.

Him: I thought about it but wasn't sure what your plans were.

Me: And then I thought you'd probably just send me surprise flowers instead. Right??

Him: I was going to, but then I didn't because I knew you'd understand.

Me: Understand what?

Him: That I'm not gonna.

I'm trying really hard to be mad at him, but I keep thinking about that french toast he's making later and I just can't do it.

My birthday portrait. Only my bangs and glasses wanted to be in it.

Captain Carl Karaokes His Way Over The Hill

Today is Captain Carl's 40th birthday. Hurrah!

I asked him what he wanted to do to celebrate because this is a big birthday and he was all "Nothing" and I was all "Come on, there's got to be something you'd like to do" and he was all "Nothing" and I was all "Look, it's going down like this see. We are doing something to celebrate the fact that you will never ever have another day in your life in which you are less than 40 years old. We are totally celebrating" and he was all "Screw you" and I'm all "Yes of course we'll do that, but what else?" and he was all "Nothing" and I was all "Not an option" and he was all "Okay, maybe go out to eat then" and I was all "Awesome! Great! We are totally going out to eat! We are eating the shit out of dinner on your birthday! We are gonna eat out so hard! We're gonna bend over eating out and take it to brown town!" and right about then he stopped talking to me.

Captain Carl doesn't really enjoy his birthdays. I knew this one was gonna be a bit rough. So I'm doing the only thing a loving and sensitive wife can do in this situation...

I posted a video of him singing the karaoke version of Blue Christmas on youtube. You know, as his birthday present?

*ahem*

You're welcome, honey. Happy Birthday!




UPDATE: I realize the video isn't in sync with the sound...I have no idea why that happened. Just go with it.

Why Can’t My Office Ever Get A Dead Body?

Today a friend of mine posted this status on her Facebook wall:

OMG, there is a car that has been parked outside my office for 3 days and today the police came because there is a dead body in the trunk!

So I got all clappy and jumpy and quickly fired off a comment:

Oh man, I wish something exciting like that would happen at my office. We NEVER get dead bodies!

Then I read all the other comments people had left. And they were all “OMG I’m so sorry!” and “That is terrible!” and “Are you okay?”. And my friend had responded back with “Yes, it was very scary. I started crying when the cops told us it was a woman. I feel so bad for whoever she is.”

And then there was my comment right below her last one.

Yeah.

I really wish I had read the other comments before I posted mine.

But that was really what popped into my head when I read her status. I admit it, I love drama. As long as it isn’t my own drama. I hate my drama. But other people’s drama? Awesome. Fascinating. Especially if it is a complete stranger’s drama.

Now don’t misunderstand me here…it is a terrible thing that happened to that dead-in-a-trunk woman, whoever she is. No one should have that happen to them. Unless they are a pedophile. Or a mass murderer. Or a creepy clown because eeww. So please don’t send me hate emails or leave comments here about what a terrible person I am. I already know that I’m a terrible person. That’s not news, people. That's why I never win the lottery. I just get so excited when something out of the ordinary happens during a typical day. It’s like all sense of reason and propriety fly out the window and I become a raging mob of one. I can’t look away, even if it might put me in danger.

One day at my old job, I was staring out the window avoiding my work when a bunch of police cars pulled up at the far end of the parking lot. And right behind them were two fire trucks.

My mouth fell open and my heart began to beat faster.

One of the police officers jumped out of his car and ran to the trunk, where he pulled out some kind of full-body protective suit.

I stood up. Something awesomely bad was about to go down.

The police officer hurriedly dressed himself in the suit while two others began putting together what looked to be a remote control car, only bigger. More like a remote control tank with a long reachy thingy on it. I looked out past the emergency vehicles and noticed a small cooler sitting in the grass on the median between the lanes going in and out of the parking lot.

Oh. My. God. That’s one of those things that they use to find bombs. That cop is putting on a bomb suit. THERE IS A BOMB IN THAT COOLER!

At this point I am jumping up and down and yelling out fragmented sentences like “Bomb!” and “Hey, outside!” and “Guys, seriously!”.

Finally other people begin to notice what was happening and slowly my window and the others around me filled up with gawkers. Everyone was just as excited as me. For a couple minutes.

And then they all started to panic.

“Shouldn’t we be leaving the building?”
“Why haven’t they told us to evacuate?”
“Do you think it’s really a bomb in there?”
“What if it explodes? Will it blow us up?”
“I need to call my husband!”
“Wait! We can get a better look from Ted’s office!”

That last one came from my mouth. Because I'm all about getting a good view when I'm about to get blown to pieces.

I ran down to Ted’s office and threw myself up against the glass so I wouldn’t miss a moment.

I was all “Can you believe this, Ted? I mean, this is amazing, right?? Who do you think put the bomb there? A disgruntled employee? A lover scorned? A creepy clown?” and Ted was all “Ummm, I’m gonna go, ahhh, to the other side of the building.” and then he disappeared.

I barely heard him. The remote control bomb tank had reached the cooler and was poking around it. Then the police officer in the bomb suit walked over, carefully picked the cooler up and carried it to the back of a white van that had pulled up a few minutes earlier. The cooler was placed inside, the doors were closed and the van drove off. The police officer took off his suit, stood around chatting with the other cops for a few minutes and then they all left as well.

That was it. Nothing. No explosion. No dramatic conclusion. They just drove off. And then I realized there weren’t even any reporters around. There was no bomb after all, apparently.

Well, shit.

I walked dejectedly back to my cubicle. It was all over and everyone else had already sat back down in front of their computers. I was really disappointed that I didn’t get to run screaming from the back of the building. I tried to keep the excitement up by saying things like "Can you believe that just happened?" and "Sooo scary, right?" and "Bombs. Crazy stuff, huh?" as I walked by my co-workers. None of them took the bait, they were totally over it. I went back to work a little more frowny than I had been before the fake bomb incident.

Fifteen minutes later, I noticed a shadow falling over my desk. I looked up. It was Ted.

“Could you please come clean off the hand prints and what appears to be a forehead mark from my office window?”

My life is so boring. If only there was a mass murdering, pedophilic creepy clown dead in a trunk outside my office. A girl can dream, right?

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P.S. Are you member of Studio30+ yet? If not, then get your ass over there and sign up already. Right now they're taking nominations for the 2011 Boomerang Awards. Don't ask what that is, just go over there and nominate me. Or, you know, another S30+ blogger that you like better. Whatever. I don't even care. *sniff*