Friday, October 16, 2009

UPDATED: The Elusive 150th

I've got 148 followers now. I told Captain Carl back in the spring that I wanted to hit 100 by the end of this year, so yea for me! However, I've been hovering around the mid-140's for weeks now and yes, I know it's probably partly somewhat kind of my own fault because I haven't been blogging and commenting much lately. But come on people, I'm still hilarious and awesome even if I'm around less.

So now I'm obsessed with hitting the 150 mark. I mean, Kim has more than 150 now. And Steamy and Vic and Kurt? Well hell, they've already gone way past 200....I'm choking on their follower dust. I'm just as funny and witty and good looking as all of them, right? Okay, maybe not quite as funny but I'm definitely as good looking and probably better in bed than all of them. Just sayin'.

I'm trying to figure out ways to boost my number. I'm pretty sure I need to get more sweary and sexy, which is an almost impossible task because I'm already damn sexy and very sweary. Very sweary. That should totally be a Hubba Bubba gum flavor. Do they still make Hubba Bubba? I chewed a lot of that shit in high school. Probably why I have the clicky jaw now. Thanks a lot Hubba Bubba. You suck. Unless you want to pay me for my soon-to-be-patented "Very Sweary" gum flavor. If you do, I'd like to consult on the wrapper design please....you'll need a catchy phrase to draw the kid's eyes. Like "Now With More Fucks And Shits!" or something like that. I'm pretty much a marketing genius. I'm like the Ted Danson of marketing. I don't even know what that means, but I am.

So back to how I'm going to get my 150th follower. I need suggestions. More renter stories? More renter sex stories? More renter pissing-me-off stories? A picture of Captain Carl smelling his back scratcher?

Ooooh! What if I offer the 150th follower a special surprise? Like maybe they give me the code to their voicemail and I change their message to say something like "This is Miss Yvonne and so-and-so is not available to speak with you. Because he probably can't stand you and saw your number come up and was all 'Oh shit, not that asshole again' and let it go to voicemail. Or because he's busy having sex with your mom. Leave a message, bitch!".

Or I could promise to post a video of me singing "Don't Cha" on drunk karaoke night when I hit 150. Or maybe I could share Captain Carl's recipe for the absolutely best lemon ice box pie you will ever eat in the history of eating pie (that's what she said). Or I could send the lucky follower a present and when they open it, it will be something awesome like a post-it note with a chewed piece of gum stuck to it or a caricature of me drawn by the Captain with me doing something cool like riding a unicycle or using a vibrator and also I'll make sure the package is marked "This box contains really offensive porn and sexy toys".

All that sounds pretty awesome, right? I'm sure I won't have any trouble getting to 150 now. I'll probably hit 170 in no time. And then in a couple weeks when I hit 300, I can be all "Suck it Steamy!" and "In your face Kim!" and "Take that Vic!" and "Bend over Kurt!" which he probably hears all the time anyway. But still.

UPDATE: Well apparently all I have to do is whine enough and I'll get what I want because guess what, y'all?! 150 followers. Boo ya. And what's even more awesome is that my 150th follower is called "vagiunta" which probably stands for something beautiful and meaningful but I'm going to say it's the Spanish word for cooter. That's what you get for following me, vagiunta. Sorry. Not really.

So now I have to get drunk this weekend and have the Captain video me singing "Don'cha". Just to make all my long-time followers happy. So quit yer bitchin'.

Now I'm off to whine about wanting to win the lottery.

21 comments:

sstahlberg said...

Is it bad that I've considered opening up two more blogger accounts and following you on them just so you will post a video of you drunk singing "Don'cha"? Cuz I have...

kate said...

Well that's just not fair...some shlubb that hasn't been following your blog gets a chance at all of that cool shit and those of us that have been following loyally get nothing (unless you do the "Don't Cha" video, in which case we all win). And, besides, don't feel bad about ONLY having 148. I got excited because I recently cracked 20. Holla!

Kurt said...

Unless you can fall asleep in less than 3 seconds you are WAY worse in bed than me. I'm the fastest sleeper ever. That's what your Mom said anyway(s). Congrats on 150!! You deserve infinity more.

Logical Libby said...

If I could follow you twice, I would. But then it wouldn't feel as special.

just making my way said...

I will try to contain my jealousy at your already many followers. Bitch. Uh, I mean - way to go! You get to 150! You deserve it!

Which you do. I'm just bitter cause it sucks to start over.

otherworldlyone said...

I tried to follow twice. Just in case there might be a gap in their system or something and they let me slip on in there. Wow. That sounds dirty.

My vote is the Don'cha video. But I'd totally let you leave a recording on my voicemail. 'Cause it'd make me seem a lot cooler than I actually am.

Also, my word verification is "fluho". I'm sure this is somehow significant.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I think what I've learned from this post and from my cbox wish yesterday is that If You Build It, They Will Come. By "come" I mean "follow your blog", not "come" as in what Renty's friends did all over your media room carpet. HEYYYO!!! (That was so lame.)

You're super funny and people love your blog. The only reason I'm at 260 is because Lilu pimps me out all the time. Maybe you should write a post about how you want a pimp, If You Build It, Pimp Will Come.

That sounds like "Pimple Cum". Which, incidentally, is my word ver. SO WEIRD!!! ;-) <---wink denotes white lie

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Congratulations! You made it! Whooo hoooo!
I like your Renty stories. How's the kiddo? Did Emo hook up with the librarian? You've left me with SO many questions, Miss Yvonne.
If you show a picture of Capt. Carl smelling his back scratcher, I will stop following you, okay?

Jugs@@

Mandy's Kidding said...

You've probably got to whore it up more, and by "whore" I mean:

1 Comment back on the comments (re: "Mutual Masturbation")

2 Visit other people's blogs and comment (re: "Sleeping Around."

I'm too lazy to do either, but I once had 3,000 followers in another blog life. I also had no friends and no social life, so take your pick.

kyslp said...

Congrats on getting your 150. Maybe I need to go over to my blog and whine because I am stuck at 90-something.

!!The Obnoxious SAHM!! said...

HEY! what a great blog you have! Thanks for the comment. :)

Joanna Jenkins said...

"Now I'm off to whine about wanting to win the lottery." I'm a great whiner, let me know if it works ;-)
xo

miss. chief said...

aww I was feeling so good about getting my 60th today. Way to ruin it. Jerk.
Oh, and congratulations

Houston said...

What the??? I only have 14 followers and I post naked drawings of myself...

Oh yeah.

diane said...

I'm all about the recipe for the lemon pie, when will you be posting that?
You have three times as many followers as me, 3 times!!!
What's "Don'cha"? Whatever, it sounds funny. When will you be posting that?

word ver.- orowsize - sounds like pig latin for zorro's eyes, meh.

Chris said...

You probably need more sex with your mom jokes. I'll mention it to your Mom later when I'm having sex with her. Oh, and the pie thing. Everyone loves pie. Especially your Mom.

Zoe Right said...

You know my favorite stories are about EMO where is that kid? Plus even though I'm not your 150 follower I still can't wait to see the video!

Vic said...

Woo hoo!!! (I think I just get the pity followers - you're much funnier, and definitely sexier, although apparently not as sexy as your cat. Just sayin'.)

I'm an Emo fan.

Jules said...

But now we need a giveaway. All of us that follow you need you to give us something like some really cool Hubba Bubba so we can clicky jaw like you....or something.

TrodoMcCracken said...

I totally think it's unfair that you are whining about not having enough followers when I'm just down to FIFTY! I think that's highly crass of you and I now demand that you put your efforts into getting ME more followers.

Or I'll torch your..bed? Tv? Garden? Shoes? Sex toys?

Either way, something will go a-flame.

vagiunta said...

Shouldn't I at least get a penis straw or something?