So I'm trying to eat a little healthier these days. I've noticed that red meat isn't exactly, ummmm, agreeing with me lately. I think being "over 35" has fucked up my digestive system. I mean, I'm barely over 35...I'm not even 36 yet. But steak and hamburgers never bothered me before 35, so I'm thinking that must be the magical number when the body decides it's tired of your bullshit and starts demanding you take better care of it. So I've been trying to eat more chicken and fish (blech) and green, leafy vegetables and less pig and cow. Which sucks because pigs and cows are awesome and cute and totally delicious. And let me just put this out there...chicken and fish are ugly and boring and easily dry out. There are only so many ways to eat a fish before you just want to roll it in breadcrumbs and fry the little sons of bitches.
And then I went a little overboard with the green and leafy stuff a couple days ago and practically blew my colon right out of my body. Fucking spinach. I love spinach. I had no idea that eating spinach salad two days in a row would do that to me. What the hell, body? I'm being HEALTHY over here. Quit being a jerk! Thanks to you, I now break out in a sweat every time I see a vegetable. Asshole.
I also bought a bunch of healthier snacks on my last grocery run to keep in my cubicle at work. I'm a snacker. I could eat all day long if I let myself...and I do sometimes. But I figured almonds and dried cranberries and granola bars would be better for me than oh, say, Kit Kats and Doritos and Oreos. So I got these granola bars that say "Salty and Chewy" on the box and that sounded delish and also very very healthy because excuse me but hello? it says "granola" on the box. I completely blocked out the "salty" part...which is bad, considering that I already have a slight cholesterol problem and although I don't have it yet, high blood pressure does run in both sides of my family. But come on! Granola!
Yeah, these things are totally candy bars. I opened one today and the top is all cashew-y and caramel-y and I looked hard but barely saw any granolas in there and then the bottom is made of some kind of chewy and sweet substance that has absolutely no resemblance to anything made in nature. All it needs is a nougat center and I could call it a Salted Nut Roll. How the hell do they get away with calling these things granola bars and selling them in the cereal aisle?? They should be right next to the bags of mini-snickers and sour patch kids. Here I am, all trying to be healthy and shit and I totally got bamboozled by Nature Valley.
They were awesome, though. I ate two of them in 15 minutes.
A Lifetime Sentence
1 month ago