Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Just Go Ahead And Roll It In Chocolate, Already

So I'm trying to eat a little healthier these days. I've noticed that red meat isn't exactly, ummmm, agreeing with me lately. I think being "over 35" has fucked up my digestive system. I mean, I'm barely over 35...I'm not even 36 yet. But steak and hamburgers never bothered me before 35, so I'm thinking that must be the magical number when the body decides it's tired of your bullshit and starts demanding you take better care of it. So I've been trying to eat more chicken and fish (blech) and green, leafy vegetables and less pig and cow. Which sucks because pigs and cows are awesome and cute and totally delicious. And let me just put this out there...chicken and fish are ugly and boring and easily dry out. There are only so many ways to eat a fish before you just want to roll it in breadcrumbs and fry the little sons of bitches.

And then I went a little overboard with the green and leafy stuff a couple days ago and practically blew my colon right out of my body. Fucking spinach. I love spinach. I had no idea that eating spinach salad two days in a row would do that to me. What the hell, body? I'm being HEALTHY over here. Quit being a jerk! Thanks to you, I now break out in a sweat every time I see a vegetable. Asshole.

I also bought a bunch of healthier snacks on my last grocery run to keep in my cubicle at work. I'm a snacker. I could eat all day long if I let myself...and I do sometimes. But I figured almonds and dried cranberries and granola bars would be better for me than oh, say, Kit Kats and Doritos and Oreos. So I got these granola bars that say "Salty and Chewy" on the box and that sounded delish and also very very healthy because excuse me but hello? it says "granola" on the box. I completely blocked out the "salty" part...which is bad, considering that I already have a slight cholesterol problem and although I don't have it yet, high blood pressure does run in both sides of my family. But come on! Granola!

Yeah, these things are totally candy bars. I opened one today and the top is all cashew-y and caramel-y and I looked hard but barely saw any granolas in there and then the bottom is made of some kind of chewy and sweet substance that has absolutely no resemblance to anything made in nature. All it needs is a nougat center and I could call it a Salted Nut Roll. How the hell do they get away with calling these things granola bars and selling them in the cereal aisle?? They should be right next to the bags of mini-snickers and sour patch kids. Here I am, all trying to be healthy and shit and I totally got bamboozled by Nature Valley.

They were awesome, though. I ate two of them in 15 minutes.

Damn it.

25 comments:

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

What are you even talking about? ? The colon blow is the best PART of eating spinach. Cause otherwise, what's the point?

It tests gruhs. Yuhkeh.

Barb said...

Hey. Stumbled on your blog and love this post. But I actually didn't fall apart until I hit 40. It only took 3 years but my body totally hates me! Keep up the good work!

Amy said...

Oh I know the granola bars you speak of! I love the almond ones, they are packed with almonds, not skimpy like other almond bars.

kate said...

You beat me by 10 years! Once my gallbladder came out, my digestive system declared war on the rest of my body. Salads? No. Burgers? No. Dairy? No. You'd think that I would've lost, like, 40 pounds by now just because I can't eat anything...seriously, I was tailgating at a football game a few weekends ago and had to bring myself a turkey and cheese sandwhich on white bread to eat while everyone else got burgers and brats. Suck. My. Balls.

kate said...

Oh, and the other awesome granola bars? Cookies-n-Creme Quaker Oats granola bars - they're amazing and, in theory, really healthy.

atiredwife said...

I just bought the new Special K Chocolately Pretzel bars ... and I think you HAVE to eat two in order to send any sort of signal that you've had food to your tummy. They are the tiniest things!

The sweet and salty almond or cashew breakfast bars ... YUM!

Oh - and be afraid, be very afraid of the "Fiber One" bars. Fiber. They say you adjust. I say you don't.

Candice said...

Keep up the good work.

Might wanna try Kashi bars. I think they're pretty good, and they are actually good for you.

However, they aren't SO good that you want to eat the whole box.

erin said...

I used to eat like 8 granola bars a day...

"It says GRANOLA!!!" I didn't realize I was packing on 200 calories every freaking time. Now I just eat actual nuts (not nut...) instead. 1/8 cup is a good snacky poo and only 85 calories.

Remember Kudos??? I was OBSESSED with those growing up!

Imnotbenny said...

I'm trying to eat healthier, too. I was going to take chicken breasts and stuff them with spinach and goat cheese tonight, but after reading this post, I might just order a pizza.

Totally your fault I am going to eat delicious pizza tonight.

otherworldlyone said...

Yeah, those Quaker chocolate chip granola bars are healthy. They say granola. AND low fat.

Right you are.

Mrs. Booms said...

Today I'm eating stuff that is small and can be dipped.

If you ignore the dip it seems diety.

Kim said...

I have the stomach of a billygoat, which is sometimes good 'cause I like to eat some weird shit sometimes, but it's not much of a deterrent to shaving down my diet. I try to diet, but really, every time I open one of those Healthy Choice meals or whatever I feel as if God is mocking me.

Chris said...

At least the granola bars weren't full of beef. Were they? Because that would be really good -- salty, chewy, granola-wrapped beef. Also, watch out for dried apricots. I knew a guy that ate a whole bag and had to stay home from work the next day.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Does this mean that I can eat more cows and pigs since you're cutting back? I think so!

Keep up the good work. Hey, it says GRANOLA on the box. It can't be bad, right?

Jugs@@

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

"barely saw any granolas in there"

Ha!

I eat oatmeal cookies because they're good for you. Cuz of all the oat and shit.

Christine said...

I love veggies too! I need to be better about snacking on healthy things at work...not ganking all the skittles and hershey's kisses out of the candy jar at the reception desk...hmmm. I'm only 24 but I've noticed that I can not drink like I used to! The stars have to be aligned for me to be able to actually put some down and keep it down- WTF, body? Loosen up, have a good time! I'm thinking about slipping myself some roofies...

kys said...

Those granola bars are awesome. And I have discovered that "over 35" fucks up everything.

The Peach Tart said...

I love cow and pig too

Jules said...

Just WAIT until you turn 37.

That's the average age of deaths from swine flu.

Yay for me.

But if I die, you can eat my granola bars.

diane said...

O.k., so you realize by now that you opened up "a can of worms" with this post, and so now it's like some kind of a "my body is falling apart faster than yours" free for all. Nitsies, guess what age you are when they fall apart.


51, that's my word ver., nitsies.

just making my way said...

I can't give up the cows and pigs. But I don't mind fish, so I guess I've got that going for me.

I gotta run though. Just a quick trip to the store for some of those "granola bars". I need something for dessert!

Vic said...

I thought the title said "Just Go Ahead and Roll in Chocolate", which would also be an excellent post.

Can you write that one next?

Kurt said...

What the Eff? I KNOW I read this one and I thought I commented but these damn peyotes must be wrecking my brain. It's like a rump-shaker in my my head.

The pale observer said...

Beans don't seem to agree with me now that I'm 39? Do you think there's something to digestive malfunctioning at certain ages?

Excellent blog! Just found it. Where have I been?

Cheers
Holli in Ghana

Hippo Brigade said...

This is why I don't diet. It's too much work. Now be a dear and pass me my spray cheese.