Wednesday, January 6, 2010

It's Like I'm Living In A Bryan Adams Video, Except With Less Kevin Costner And More Ball Sack

At bedtime with Captain Carl

Me: Oooh, I'm freezing!

Captain: Come over here then.

Me: *hugs the Captain* My hands are still cold.

Captain: Put your hand on my crotch.

Me: No, I'm too tired.

Captain: You want to warm up?

Me: Yes.

Captain: Then cup my balls.

Me: What? No.

Captain: Do it.

Me: No!

Captain: Do it. Cup 'em.

Me: But they're sweaty! *sticks hand behind Captain's knee*

Captain: That's not my balls.

Me: Oh come on!

Captain: You don't have to stroke or anything, just cup 'em.

Me: Fine. *cups balls* There.

Captain: Is your hand warmer now?

Me: Yeah.

Captain: See? I know what I'm talking about.

Me: Great, now my hand smells like sweaty ball sack.

Captain: That's the smell of warmth, baby.

Me: Shut up.

Captain: *sings* You know it's truuue, everything I doooo, I do it for youuuu....

Me: You're a moron.

Captain: A moron currently getting his balls cupped. Maybe you should squeeze a little.

Me: No.

*silence*

Captain: You know, I have above average sized balls.

Me: Dude, I was almost asleep.

Captain: It's true.

Me: Whatever.

Captain: Totally true. And amazing.

Me: I'm rolling over now.

Captain: My balls say "you're welcome".

Me: Oh yeah? My fist says "your mom".

Captain: You just had to get one more in before we fall asleep, huh?

Me: That's what she said.

*silence*

Captain: *whispering* Hey.

Me: *whispering* What?

Captain: Maybe next time you squeeze a little.

37 comments:

Heather said...

Oh my God, I thought this kind of thing only happened at my house. Thank you. It's like a PSA for husbandry.

The Peach Tart said...

Captain Carl is such a manly man. He and his above average ball sack and all.

Kim said...

I saw Bryan Adams and ball sack and thought this post was going in a totally different direction...

Ed Adams said...

Hahahaha!

Awesome. I am so trying the Capt handwarming method tonight with the wife.

You shouldn't give up the squeeze until he gives up the Carlos.

Moooooog35 said...

I find it fascinating that you two are married and you still touch his genitals.

I cry sometimes.

Char said...

OMG, I am sooo laughing my ass off! You two were made for each other! xoxo

Mama Wheaton said...

How does Captain know his balls are bigger than average? Will you make this ball cupping a nightly routine?

Lindsay said...

The Captain is my hero.

Heather said...

I'm envious. I never get invited to cup my mans balls. Maybe I will try saying my hands are cold and see where that gets me.

Kurt said...

This was pretty much like watching "The Notebook" or that scene in Titanic where they hump in the car.

You can't spell Titanic without the "tit" is the moral of this story.

cfoxes said...

This just sound like a conversation my husband would love to have in our bed!

Jules said...

What is it about men??

I think you should come home tonight with an electric blanket, singing "Electric Avenue".

Mrs. Booms said...

I'm just glad your ears weren't cold.

Little Ms Blogger said...

The real question is...how does he know his ball size is above average? Does he cup other men's balls?

If you squeezed them, would you have gotten Carlos?

The Jules said...

How does one ascertain if one's scrotum is of above average dimensions?

My mates are a bit too repressed to get them to compare and contrast, and when I went to the pig farm I just felt inferior.

Cassie said...

LMAO. A friend of mine just started dating a guy who apparently has a ball squeezing fetish. Like, he owns a ball stretcher and pointed her to some fetish websites for her to check out LOL. Is it wrong for me to be like "GET OUT NOW!"?

BeckEye said...

Aren't balls supposed to be a slightly lower temperature than the rest of a man's body? He tricked you!

Sarah P said...

Oh! Cold hands are the worst! He is a kind and generous husband. Give him a little squeeze.

kate said...

That's fantastic! My husband went to the doctor for a physical the other day and when he got home was all "ugh...I got my balls cupped" and I told him that was awesome, because now I wouldn't have to do it.

just making my way said...

That SO made me laugh. For reals. Out loud.

I just put my cold hands on any of the Mr's exposed skin. Is that wrong?

Tony Spunk said...

There is nothing as pleasant as a lady cupping a dude's hairy peas. Well actually there are plenty other stuff as pleasant. Like when she squeezes a little. I'm just saying.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I agree. You'll squeeze a little when his isn't the only wiener in the house. :) Yay Carlos!

(Sorry Captain!)

Jen said...

OMG this is so funny. He has you wrapped around his finger, I mean ball sack. And still trying to figure out how Bryan Adams/Kevin Costner get worked into it.

Just.Kate said...

Holy larger-than-average ballsack, Batman!

I hate going to bed with sweaty ballsack hands. I tuck my fingers under my cheek then wake up wondering why everything smells vaguely like piss and cheetos.

Test said...

this exact same thing happened to me last night (with less witty banter). my husband thought this blog entry was hilarious. i agree.

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit said...

What a touching and heartwarming story! ;)

Joanna Jenkins said...

I laughed so hard my husband made me read this out loud to him... Then he offered to warm my hands.

Ha!
xo

KATHY said...

what are you doing anywhere near him until you have Carlos Spicy Weiner? It's never going to work if you can't hold out. I wouldn't even want him in my bed. he can take his sweaty ballsack and go sleep on the couch!

diane said...

I think the Captn. should get an award for balls.
You should get an award for putting up with it.
You should both get an award for being an honestly good couple. :)

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Someone needs to point out to Richard, above, that it's more of a ball warming story. Or a hand warming story, to be technical. :)

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

You know those little hand warmers you have to crack and then they give off heat?

Well...somethin somethin nutcracker. Booya!

I just didn't know how to segue.

Tuesday Girl said...

So glad I am not the only one with these conversations!

otherworldlyone said...

Obviously you two are perfect for each other.

Freaking hilarious.

DevilsHeaven said...

I have several variations of this conversation all the time. It truly is a guy thing.

The Housewife said...

Ahaha. This totally reminds me of my "Conversations with DH" posts. SOOOO freaking funny.

Oh, btw, GO COWBOYS! Bahaha. I seriously laughed out loud at your comment - I swear to god, you leave the funniest comments out of any reader I have. So keep em coming. :P

P.S. I hate the fucking Cowboys.

The Housewife said...

Oh, and I saw Bryan Adams in concert with the Rolling Stones and it was totally awesome!

And my husband tells me to stick my cold feet in is butt cheeks - and leave the balls alone. I guess it's all a matter of preference...

The Housewife said...

My husband and I have a code for people with sweat ball hands-

http://www.thehousewifediaries.com/2009/10/do-you-remember-seinfeld-episode-with.html