At bedtime with Captain Carl
Me: Oooh, I'm freezing!
Captain: Come over here then.
Me: *hugs the Captain* My hands are still cold.
Captain: Put your hand on my crotch.
Me: No, I'm too tired.
Captain: You want to warm up?
Captain: Then cup my balls.
Me: What? No.
Captain: Do it.
Captain: Do it. Cup 'em.
Me: But they're sweaty! *sticks hand behind Captain's knee*
Captain: That's not my balls.
Me: Oh come on!
Captain: You don't have to stroke or anything, just cup 'em.
Me: Fine. *cups balls* There.
Captain: Is your hand warmer now?
Captain: See? I know what I'm talking about.
Me: Great, now my hand smells like sweaty ball sack.
Captain: That's the smell of warmth, baby.
Me: Shut up.
Captain: *sings* You know it's truuue, everything I doooo, I do it for youuuu....
Me: You're a moron.
Captain: A moron currently getting his balls cupped. Maybe you should squeeze a little.
Captain: You know, I have above average sized balls.
Me: Dude, I was almost asleep.
Captain: It's true.
Captain: Totally true. And amazing.
Me: I'm rolling over now.
Captain: My balls say "you're welcome".
Me: Oh yeah? My fist says "your mom".
Captain: You just had to get one more in before we fall asleep, huh?
Me: That's what she said.
Captain: *whispering* Hey.
Me: *whispering* What?
Captain: Maybe next time you squeeze a little.