Tuesday, January 26, 2010

It's Not Gay If No One's On Top

This post has nothing to do with the title. Someone said that me yesterday and I thought it was too awesome not to use as a blog post title so there you go. And by "someone" I mean "crazy person stalking me named Tristachio". I once had a blog style duel to the death with her over who was more awesome. I won. She lost. She's never gotten over it. Now she IM's me every time I'm online and keeps saying things about my giant man hands and how she's my hypothetical love child and how our birthdays are one day apart and something something dutch rudder. Seriously, all those things have come up in our conversations. She's not right in the head, people.

So Captain Carl went to a whiskey tasting at an Irish pub with his brother, Mailman Mike, last night. He was all "I'll be home early, we're going with his girlfriend's dad blah blah blah". Four hours later he calls me and is all "Sorry, we had to stay for awhile and sober up and omg we got 8 shots of whiskey and omg it was amazing and omg blah blah blah" and I was all "Yeah, I did your kid's laundry all night and cleaned the kitchen, so that was probably just as awesome" and he was all "What? Wait, am I in trouble?" and I was all "No, I'm just sharing the awesomeness that was my evening with your drunk ass" and he was all "You told me to go!" and I was all "I'm not mad at you" and he was all "That means you are mad at me" and I was all "I'd like to stay on the phone and argue with you some more, but your kid's socks are ready to go in the dryer" and he was all "I love you?" and I was all "click". Then he came home and I was all "fold fold fold" and he was all "I'm totally not drunk oops I just tripped over nothing hee hee heeee!". Seriously though, I wasn't mad at him. Much.

I really need new underwear. Almost everything I have left to wear to work is getting worn out and also they're all granny panties. The last time I mentioned that I wear granny panties on this blog, I think it was The Peach Tart who left a comment like "Oh honey, noooo. Not granny panties". Yeah. Yet I can't bring myself to buy some new, sexy underwear because it seems like too much of a luxury. This is seriously the life I am leading right now. Where panties are a luxury.

Oh, and we're getting a new renter. She's 40 and bald. True story.


just making my way said...

I surely cannot be first. I'm sure someone will scoop me while I try to think of something clever to say....

I hear you about the undies. Not that I wear grannie panties. I actually converted to thongs a few years ago. I know, I know. But you do get used to them and hello? no panty lines!

Not too clever.

Jocelyn said...

I bought new panties last weekend. This was AFTER I did the freaking laundry because the Husband was sick. I effing HATE laundry! I deserved those panties!!!

AND YOU DO TOO!! Go buy some panties STAT!

HEHE, my word verification is ordise. So go get some of these panties, ordise panties. Either way, JUST GET SOME!

Moooooog35 said...

You had me at 'man hands.'

Wait. What?

Sarah P said...

ZoeMG. We're panty twins.

My drawers are stuffed with slightly frayed granny panties that I swore once upon a time I would never wear during "that time" or would only wear during "that time," except I eventually gave up on segregating my panties, and now they're all I'm-married-so-I-don't-have-to-care-just-go-ahead-and-go-to-bed-naked-so-he-doesn't-notice panties.

Of course, I don't have to worry about Shelly.


Hubby is about to get laid off, so he could be next.

Sooo ... we're panty twins. Panties twins? Does it have to be plural like that?

You know, I probably don't have to type every thought that flows through my brain while I'm leaving comments, but then I'd probably be more productive and that sounds really stressful.

Logical Libby said...

Sexy underwear are a waste of time. If you are wearing them for longer than five minutes they creep out of place. And if you are only wearing them for 5 minutes, then you shouldn't spend that much money on them.

Grannies all the way.

diane said...

My favorite panties are from the Dollar Tree.
40 and bald? Is she a cancer survivor?

kate said...

Dude...the word "panties" totally grosses me out.

Houston said...

I bet if you got rid of all your panties Captain Carl wouldn't mind.

Tuesday Girl said...

I need new underwear as well. mine are not granny but stretched out from pregnancy and some may have holes in them.

At least you know her money is going to you not wasting money on hair products.

Soda and Candy said...


"I'm not mad at you"
"That means you are mad at me"
"I love you?"

These happen at my house too.

Also, buy some sexy undies damn it! Target makes cheap ones!

Mrs. Booms said...

I'm leading the same life where new underwear is a luxury.

So you know, right on!

Caroline said...

Okay, I just had a brilliant idea. I am surprised you didn't already think of it. Why don't you turn those granny panties into cash so you can finance your slutty knickers shopping spree?

I think you know how. There's all kinds of special-interest websites where certain people shop for such things. In Japan, they even have vending machines! And when all else fails, there's Craigslist.

I live on Oahu and unfortunately there's only currently FOUR ads for panties on Craigslist here. Three of them are by the same guy, but he's apparently hot for the goods! He intriguingly writes: "the dirtier the panties the more i'm willing to pay."

The other ad is a For Sale ad. Maybe we can learn something about used panty marketing here. Let's see. It says: "i have a ton of silk panties i need to get rid of. some used but i only wore them for a brief period of time." So far, so good. Innocently provocative; raises images of a landfill's worth of dirty drawers--consumer catnip in this market!

Oh, wait. Here's how it ends: "call if you want. ask for doug."

Miss Yvonne said...

jmmy: I can't do thongs...panty lines are just not that important to me to endure fabric up my butt crack all day.

Jocelyn: I know I know! Maybe I'll cave and buy one or two this weekend.

Mooooog35: So that's how you roll, eh?

Sarah P: Sorry to hear about your hubby. I think it's just "panty twins"...let me consult wikipedia and I'll get back to you.

Libby: Hurrah for a fellow granny pantie wearer!

diane: Nope, no cancer. I'm trying to keep you intrigued, so I'm not telling the story yet...I'm brilliant, right?

kate: Dude, the word "moist" totally freaks me out. Don't combine the two words...my head will explode.

Houston: That's funny you say that because the Captain actually suggested that very thing. Huh.

Tuesday Girl: Sounds like you need to go undies shopping too.

Soda and candy: Cheap as in "costs less" or cheap as in "you'll totally look like a hooker in those panties"? Because I might buy them if it's the second one.

Mrs Booms: Once again, our similarities are freaking me out.

Caroline: Holy shit, I can't believe I never thought to sell my used underwear on craigslist before! Thanks for the tip!

Anonymous said...

So is she "just gone through Chemo" bald, or like....Vin Diesel in drag, bald?

Also, sexy panties are a waste because they just get ripped off anyway. And you can't get sexy panties that are also comfy panties. If you wore sexy panties all day long you'd chafe or get some nasty little rash in an unpleasant place, right?

I normally buy panties when I can't be assed doing laundry...

Megs said...

At least you won't have to worry that the new renter will try to steal your hair care products or use your stuff without telling you and leave her hair grease all over your straightening iron.

Not that that has ever happened to me.

Also, generally my husband only notices my underpants in regards to taking them off, so he couldn't tell you if they were granny panties or not, and if he doesn't notice I don't know who else would give a damn.

Vagiunta said...

Are full coverage cotton bikini briefs considered "granny panties?"
Cos them shits are com-fort-able!

Harna said...

Just go commando. Waaaay hotter than any sort of underwear, granny or sexy.

BugginWord said...

I can't support the no panty plan. I don't want belly button lint in my delicate flower. Viva the granny panties.

Anonymous said...

Ok, I laughed out loud at this story.

"I'd like to stay on the phone and argue with you some more, but your kid's socks are ready to go in the dryer"... CLASSY and totally something I'd say.

I love you!

Anonymous said...

P.S. Do you want me to send you some not granny panties?

Miss Spoken said...

I'm all for buying some new panties but first I want to upgrade my vagina. And I'm not talking about vaginal rejuvenation, people ... I'm looking for a brand new make and model.

Maybe then some new panties ...

Amanda said...

This reminds me for some reason of the first and LAST garage sale I'll ever have where I put some old, yet fancy and sexy bras out with all the clothes and some people actually BOUGHT them.I mean sexy bras are somewhat different than sexy panties but still, people couldn't get enough of my sexy used undergarments. I cannot wait to hear more about your renter. Sounds awesomely tragic.

tattytiara said...

When you start thinking sexy underwear is a luxury is when you know it's a necessity. To the pretty lady stuff store with you - pronto!

Joanna Jenkins said...

Wait, did you say 40 and bald?!?!? WTH!


New panties are totally a luxury in my life too.

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

my underwear drawer runneth over. with granny panties. and some are maternity panties. my baby is nearly 8 months old. sooooo.
let me know how the "sexy" thing works for you.

miss. chief said...

Yeah, I feel the same about bras. I NEEEEEED like four new bras but instead I've just been wearing hand me downs from friends and shit.

Kim said...

For some reason I couldn't leave a comment on the next post about bras, so here it is. Know what's really sad? When you are fat AND have no boobs. I finally went to one of those places where they fit you for bra size-- I was with my friend who weighs like 95 pounds. TURNS OUT SHE WEARS A BIGGER CUP SIZE THAN ME.

God really hates me.

Char said...

You're blog is a hoot! I just come here so I can laugh my ass off.

I love the high cut Jockey panties.
(is that granny?) My idea of sexy is comfort.