Our long time renter, Renty (I’m a genius at making up names for people), has moved out. He lived with us for almost two years. Long enough for him to feel like a permanent fixture in our home. I was beginning to think he would never move out. He’d be like our kid who drops out of college and works part-time at GameStop and spends the rest of his time in his room playing World of Warcraft and smoking weed while we ask him on a daily basis when he’s going to “make something of himself”.
I had a love/hate relationship with Renty. He didn’t know that, though. I think. I hope. Because Renty is a nice guy and the hate part of our relationship came only from me on account of how I resented the necessity of having a renter live with us. Like my very astute 19 year old son said to me a few months ago, “It wouldn’t matter if he was perfect, you would still hate him just because he’s here.” Smart boy, that one. I really hope he doesn’t drop out of college.
I stopped blogging about Renty because I got paranoid that he had discovered my blog. I wasn’t always nice when I blogged about him, so I quit when I suspected he might have caught on. Which is really too bad because there are just so many stories. But we had a good thing going with Renty, so I kept him off the blog after awhile.
And then? Renty had a blind date on New Year’s Eve. And the next day, he asked me if I wanted to see a photo of his girlfriend on his phone and I was all “You have a girlfriend?” and he was all “Yeah, the girl I went out with last night.” and I was all *blink* and he was all “Yeah, she’s a psychic.” and I was all “Excuse me?” and he was all “She has a website and everything.” and I was all Oh please please please tell me the website in my head and he was all “Here, I’ll show you.” and I was so happy that I died.
No, I won’t link the website here. I wish I could because awesome. You'll just have to trust me.
Two months later, they are engaged and moving into a new place together. And tomorrow they are getting married. I swear I’m not making this up.
So now that he’s moved out and moved on to what I am sure is going to be a wildly successful marriage, I decided that today would be a tribute of sorts to Renty. If you’ve read these posts before, enjoy a trip with me down memory lane. And if this is your first time reading them, get ready for a good laugh.
The one where Renty makes out with my cat.
The one where Renty robs the cradle.
The one with Renty and the hairball.
The one where Renty keeps it real.
The one where Renty restores my Christmas spirit.
The one with Renty and his cheeseburger.
The one where Renty buys a drum set. Kind of.
The one where Renty wins at trivia.
Oh Renty, we will miss you and your superman boxers and your joker smile. Don't forget about us now that you're a big shot married guy. Tell your psychic wife to watch her back. She messes with you, she gets me and The Claw.
A Lifetime Sentence
2 weeks ago