Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Madam Librarian

So. Our newest renter.

I've named her Marian. She's a librarian. And I am a genius.

Marian is sweet as pie. She's so considerate and clean and I love her. So far. Because I know she'll eventually do something to fuck it up and make me hate her. But in the meantime, she's cool. I mean cool in that she's a nice person. I don't mean cool in that she's hip and trendy. She's a huge nerd, actually. She also appears to be about 13 years old socially.

This is probably why she hangs out with Emo. Marian is almost 40 years old. Emo is 17 years old. She found us through him. Emo knew we were looking for a renter and suggested that Marian call me.

I'm a bit concerned with this relationship. But I'm not surprised. At all. Emo can't seem to find any girls his age that want to hang out with him for more than 10 minutes. He runs them off with his weird, vampire-ish personality. What we've tried to explain to him many times is that teenage girls love the IDEA of a weird, vampire-ish boy....but they don't want a real life one. Because the real life ones have acne and laugh too loud and say inappropriate things and become their stalker after one date.

So for him to be hanging out with Marian makes sense. The day she moved in, she talked about Emo's music and how awesome it is. The boy screams into a microphone and then plays it over techno music. Then he posts it on myspace and has us listen to it over and over. It's not awful, but it's not good either. It makes me think of Ross on Friends, with his "sound".

Anyway, my point is that I think Marian is less of a romantic interest and more of a motherly, encouraging friend. At least in Emo's eyes. I can't say for sure how Marian feels though...I'm hoping she's not, ummmm, you know..."interested". Because that would be gross and I really don't want to be forced to call the cops.

Captain Carl doesn't share my opinion though. He says someone needs to pop Emo's cherry so the kid will just calm the fuck down, and who cares if it's a 40 year old gray haired and overweight librarian?

The thought makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

26 comments:

CatLadyLarew said...

Better Emo learns from an older woman. Besides, Marian probably doesn't get much action these days so it would probably be a win-win situation for the both of them.
Just don't think about it too much.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I love this story. It's like a modern day Harold and Maude. Except Maude killed herself I think. You don't want that, especially if she's renting a room. Cause you know, on account of dead people and the anal leakage.

Kim said...

I can't even leave a decent comment because the only thing running through my head now are made up words that rhyme with librarian...like frarian, blobarian schmerian.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I threw up a little too but I just had chocolate cream pie so it wasn't half bad.

Wouldn't it be weird if they hooked up in your house while she was living there? Sorry!

Hugs!!

diane said...

O.k., everybody's comments are leaving me in stitches. They do justice to your story/predicament. All I can say is, better Emo than your cat.

Candice said...

But does she want to molest your cat? That's the important question.

The Peach Tart said...

This might be one of those parenting moments when you look the other way.

Jules said...

Emo gets what Emo can get. And Captain Carl DOES have a point. I have a 19 year old sister and if she brought Emo home, we'd all laugh hysterically at her and make fun of her for the next 10 years (that's how we do in my fam).

So Librarian Marian, get on with your bad self.

And be thankful SHE'S not also interested in your cat.

kate said...

EMO MAKES MUSIC?!? Why have you not shared the link to this audio gold yet?

Blonde Goddess said...

Who are we to judge what poor Emo finds attractive in a woman? Perhaps it's the way she strokes books as she "shushes" someone being too loud that evokes a primal need in him?

JennyMac said...

LOL!! Great story. We will be all ears for the outcome of this...

Little Ms Blogger said...

Wow. You have your own version of the movie The Graduate, but instead of Anne Bancroft, it sounds like a person who was once on Road Rules or the Real World trying to relive her youth.

What happened to cat man?

erin said...

That's a very interesting pair. I can't stand teenage boys. I had to suffer my brothers picking at me, punching at me, picking me up and trying to throw me, staying up late drunk dialing me and making me come and pick them up at random people's houses so my parents won't find out.

So the idea of boinking one is sicker than heck to me.

Poor Emo, maybe he should start a blog and then we can all befriend him and maybe he won't turn out to be a serial killer or a hermit dweeb.

otherworldlyone said...

Listen, the Captain might be on to something. Plus, if Emo starts staying over in Marian the librarian's room...you can charge him rent. And if he takes a shower after (you know)... see where I'm going with this? $$

Courtney said...

Blah blah blah........... WHERE ARE THE PENIS STRAWS?????????????

Joanna Jenkins said...

So when you start calling Marion "Mrs. Robinson" we'll know the deed has been done ???

I love you life. There's never a dull moment.

xo

Nikki said...

Marian the Librarian doing it with Emo the Screamo is kinda weird. But I would pay money to see it made into a movie. Maybe not much money. More like coins. You get my drift.

I got my card and gum the other day and I wanna say THANK YOU VERY MUCH! I had to scream it cuz thats how excited I was.

beth said...

awesome! this might be my favorite emo story yet. i sincerely hope he is hitting that 'cause i can't wait to hear those stories!

Lana said...

if emo is smooth enough to pick up an older woman at the library (i'm assuming that's where he met her because i don't want to think about any alternatives), then he surely should be able to enjoy whatever she may reward him with. as long as it's not in your house!

Houston said...

Hey come on, let the librarian lady teach Emo the ropes. I mean really, who better than an experienced woman.

Uh, unless she is a virgin... and Emo is the experienced one.

Oh, I just threw up a little bit in MY mouth now.

adrienne said...

i simply must begin by saying i love you, miss yvonne.

you, and your blog, and your readers/commenters.

i love that you are a mommy, and you write a blog, though you are by no means a 'mommy blogger'.

in response to your post; marian and emo must draw out their courtship for the next calendar year. then HE will be legal, SHE will be sated, and WE will set forth into merriment such as the world has never seen!

god bless us everyone.

Betsey Booms said...

Oddly, I'm with the Captain on this.

And I have nothing else, because I'm in the sort of mood that mandates that I kick someone in their lady box today.

Chris said...

I ate lunch in our university library's lounge one day. I still remember all of the librarians sitting as far from each other as possible, hunched over their box lunches, eating silently. I'm just saying.

Lulu said...

OooOOooo OOOOH!!! I'm visualizing a love triangle! Renty, Marian and Emo!! I can hear the music from West Side Story now, as Renty and Emo circle each other, fighting for her luvvvv, calling out the Jets and the Sharks to back them up- ummm, the Cats and the Vampires.......only the music in my ear sounds like it's a screaming, Emo kind of music, but STILL!

Oh.

Barf.

I just visualized the cat in there, for a love quadrangle.

Sorry.

Prosy said...

I am so interested in this love story I don't think I can possibly get enough. How did these two meet? Is Marian the school librarian because THAT would be just like Ross on Friends too.

Elliott said...

I shuddered as I read this. Our one and only foray into landlordedness was renting to a retired librarian and active felon with a hording disorder and other assorted mental anomalies. We actually sold the home we loved and ultimately intended to retire to, rather than risk another loony that we needed to worry about destroying the house.

Long-distance landlordery just doesn't work.