Cute shit like that never happens to me. You see it all the time in the movies, especially in RomComs - which is my name for romantic comedies, which I totally made up and anyone who says I didn't is a damn dirty liar. I've been waiting my whole life for this event and so far? Nothing. Maybe once in awhile I'll get some stray dog running up to me when I'm on a walk, but that totally doesn't count because eeewww! unloved dog germs! But not once have I ever been adorably attacked by puppies. Because the day that you get pounced on by 12 or 13 puppies is pretty much going to be the best day of your life. Ever. End of story.
Maybe God is looking out for me and not allowing this to happen yet because what will I have to look forward to if the best day of my life has already happened at the age of 35? I mean, I've easily got 10 more years of really good living to do and then probably 20 more of kind of okay living after that and maybe 10 more of not knowing who I am and shitting myself. I have a point here and it is that I am still awesome in bed. I have another point and it is that God loves me so much that (capitalized) He's saving my puppy attack for when I'm in my 50's. I figure when I'm in my 50's, I'll be getting all sad and frowny about all my wrinkles and my upcoming pants-shitting days and God knows I will totally need something rad like puppies dive-bombing my face to make me feel better.
Wait. I just realized that I never just sit in a park. Actually, I barely ever go into a park at all. But when I do, I never just sit there. I'm always playing frisbee football and flying kites and reading poetry to my boyfriend, Harry Connick Jr, while he sings and feeds me grapes. Wait, I think that was in a RomCom I saw once. Nevermind. Yeah, I never go to the park.
This might be part of the reason why puppies never attack me there. Maybe I need to start sitting around in parks and see what happens. Should I bring a blanket, or do you think that will distract the puppies from their true target, which is my beautiful face? And if I don't bring a blanket, how will I protect myself from ants? Should I sit on the sidewalk instead? But I don't think a sidewalk would work, because you never see puppy attacks on concrete. They're always on grass. Think about it. And I need to make sure they are lab puppies, or maybe golden retriever puppies because everyone knows they are the cutest kind. I definitely don't want it to be schnauzer puppies. Or pug puppies. Eeeww.
I have no idea how to get only lab or golden retriever puppies to attack me. Is there a certain snack that only those breeds like? Or should I maybe hold a sign that says "Wanted: Seeing eye dog . Because I'm blind and don't have one yet" ? That would have to be a really big sign to fit all those words on it. I guess I could abbreviate, but I can't expect puppies to be advanced enough readers to understand what "Wanted: SED b/c blind" means. Shit, this is getting exhausting!
Fuck it. I'll just lay on my kitchen floor and let my cats walk over me on their way to the food bowl.
My First Huffington Post Piece
2 weeks ago