Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Just Once I'd Like To Be Sitting In The Park And Have A Bunch Of Adorable Puppies Attack Me

Cute shit like that never happens to me. You see it all the time in the movies, especially in RomComs - which is my name for romantic comedies, which I totally made up and anyone who says I didn't is a damn dirty liar. I've been waiting my whole life for this event and so far? Nothing. Maybe once in awhile I'll get some stray dog running up to me when I'm on a walk, but that totally doesn't count because eeewww! unloved dog germs! But not once have I ever been adorably attacked by puppies. Because the day that you get pounced on by 12 or 13 puppies is pretty much going to be the best day of your life. Ever. End of story.

Maybe God is looking out for me and not allowing this to happen yet because what will I have to look forward to if the best day of my life has already happened at the age of 35? I mean, I've easily got 10 more years of really good living to do and then probably 20 more of kind of okay living after that and maybe 10 more of not knowing who I am and shitting myself. I have a point here and it is that I am still awesome in bed. I have another point and it is that God loves me so much that (capitalized) He's saving my puppy attack for when I'm in my 50's. I figure when I'm in my 50's, I'll be getting all sad and frowny about all my wrinkles and my upcoming pants-shitting days and God knows I will totally need something rad like puppies dive-bombing my face to make me feel better.

Wait. I just realized that I never just sit in a park. Actually, I barely ever go into a park at all. But when I do, I never just sit there. I'm always playing frisbee football and flying kites and reading poetry to my boyfriend, Harry Connick Jr, while he sings and feeds me grapes. Wait, I think that was in a RomCom I saw once. Nevermind. Yeah, I never go to the park.

This might be part of the reason why puppies never attack me there. Maybe I need to start sitting around in parks and see what happens. Should I bring a blanket, or do you think that will distract the puppies from their true target, which is my beautiful face? And if I don't bring a blanket, how will I protect myself from ants? Should I sit on the sidewalk instead? But I don't think a sidewalk would work, because you never see puppy attacks on concrete. They're always on grass. Think about it. And I need to make sure they are lab puppies, or maybe golden retriever puppies because everyone knows they are the cutest kind. I definitely don't want it to be schnauzer puppies. Or pug puppies. Eeeww.

I have no idea how to get only lab or golden retriever puppies to attack me. Is there a certain snack that only those breeds like? Or should I maybe hold a sign that says "Wanted: Seeing eye dog . Because I'm blind and don't have one yet" ? That would have to be a really big sign to fit all those words on it. I guess I could abbreviate, but I can't expect puppies to be advanced enough readers to understand what "Wanted: SED b/c blind" means. Shit, this is getting exhausting!

Fuck it. I'll just lay on my kitchen floor and let my cats walk over me on their way to the food bowl.

18 comments:

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Miss Yvonne, you are more caffeinated than usual today, no?

Maybe take some acids or some peyotes, then go lie down on an anthill. That might work. Millions of puppies.

Logical Libby said...

I have a feeling if were ever attacked by puppies it would turn out one was rabid...

Oh, and another one would steal my wallet.

Lindsey said...

Dude! You totally added Sudafed to your cornflakes, this morning, right?

KLaw said...

Oh my gawd, that was the funniest shit I've read in a long time!

Green-Eyed Momster said...

"I've easily got 10 more years of really good living to do and then probably 20 more of kind of okay living after that and maybe 10 more of not knowing who I am and shitting myself."

YOU'RE YOUNGER THAN ME! NO FAIR!

Jugs@@

Fumbling confidence said...

Very funny, if you ever work up the energy to get to the park. Act like you are afraid of the puppies, they'll follow you forever.

Oh yeah, I feel so relieved to know that I have "probably 20 more of kind of okay living" left.

diane said...

Awwwww, does somebody need a hug?
I think you should immediately get Capt. Carl to run out and get you some chocolate & red wine. And then he should adoringly rub your feet for you. And above all, he should give you such a big bear hug, that you will most certainly know that you've been hugged, and feel very loved. xo d

The Peach Tart said...

I personally think you might have a little pent up tension and stress and might need an injection from Captain Carl.

Little Ms Blogger said...

Wow! I didn't know you live in the town next to me if your bf is Harry Connick.....

About puppies attacking you...well, doggie treats in the pocket. Just drop one or two when you come across a bunch of them and as you're walking to your final destination, keep dropping them.

Unlike cats, dogs are willing to chase down their treats.

just making my way said...

Maybe you could get Capt. Carl a dog costume and take him to a park (with a blanket, cause ewww to ants.) Then he could attack you and be all cute and also articulate out loud how adorable and awesome you are. But hopefully not pee on you.

miss. chief said...

i liked the idea of the extraordinarily large sign about seeing eye dogs. but if you really wanted to make it smaller maybe you could just draw what you're trying to say.

like draw an eye with dog ears, legs and tail, and make it "c-ing" somehow. maybe it's curled up in a c?
i don't know, it's not my sign. you figure it out.

Jules said...

See, when you say that, I picture a bunch of dogs chewing off your arm and tearing off your skin in bunches.

Really? Is that what you want?

If so, go to the park.

Tiffany said...

nothing that awesome ever happens to me either. dogs generally tend to get the runs around me anyway.

Taytay said...

What a trip to the pet store? Is that out of the question?

If not then just make sure you give the cats extra food so they keep coming back so it feels and looks like more than one cat.

Amy said...

Remember that cola (Pepsi or Coke - don't remember which) commercial with all the puppies jumping all over that little blond-haired boy? And he was laughing and laughing? Yeah, that did look fun.

And fuck you with your 35 years and 10 years left of good living! I'm 45 and already knew I was going downhill from here, but always good to hear it from an outside source. Fucking 30 somethings!

jessicabold said...

You know...it all sounds wonderful until they shit on you...cause when one starts...THEY ALL suddenly have to go...

http://www.booshy.wordpress.com

otherworldlyone said...

You're my hero.

Chris said...

Your plan totally works. By the time you're in your fifties you will be too tired and hurty to run around the park so you will be just sitting there. You might want to rub yourself with bacon to get the puppies. You know how dogs are about bacon.