I Had No Idea Werewolves Were So Kinky

I've been at my day job for seven years now. I sit at a desk and type and write and try hard not to fall asleep. I have a point here and it is this: I am awesome. I have another point and it is that my job is boring.

But I've come up with a really good way to keep myself entertained while looking hard at work and also awake. I check out audio books at the library and listen to them all day. I get to work at 7:30am and by 8:00am I'm wearing my earbuds and listening to a story.

This week I've been listening to a book about a vampire hunter and vampires and werewolves and no it's not Twilight because I'm a grown woman and I don't read teen romance novels and I prefer more mature reading material and also I've already read it like four times.

So on Monday, I bring the cd's and put the first one in and I'm all listening and working and literally five minutes into the story, there's a three-way. For reals. Between a werewolf, a werepanther and a vampire hunter. And there's no warning at all that a big mystical creature/human sex scene is coming up. Nope, not one little hint. One minute the characters are sitting at the kitchen table talking about the werewolf's father dying and I'm all "Hmm, could be an interesting book. Let me just file this paperwork over here..." and then the lady reading the book is all "I lay across the kitchen table and spread my legs. Gary held my hands above my head while Larry ripped my shirt open" and I'm all "Wha????" and the lady is all "Gary pushed his throbbing member against my thigh" and that's when I ripped off my earbuds and looked around frantically to make sure nobody in the office could hear what I just heard.

I knew I had the earbuds on and I knew they were plugged into the computer. But when an unexpected spoken-word orgy breaks out in your cubicle, you get a little paranoid that maybe somehow everyone heard it. So I double checked that the jack thingy was plugged in all the way into the computer and then I started up the cd again and listened without the earbuds to make sure there was no way at all it could be heard by anyone else.

Once I decided it was safe to listen, I backed up the cd and started the chapter over again because hello! Miss Yvonne does not skip a sex scene. Especially a sex scene involving weremen named Gary and Larry. Who the hell names a werewolf Gary, anyway? Shouldn't he be named something like Constantine or Valentino or Dolf? And don't even get me started on Larry.

So there I am at 9:30am, sitting in my cubicle, staring at my computer pretending to be reading an important email....but actually listening to what was turning out to be a pretty hot description of a three-way. I felt dirty and naughty. So naturally I called Captain Carl....

Me: *whispering* Guess what I'm doing?
CC: Filing your TPS report?
Me: I'm listening to a three-way!
CC: Are you working in a brothel now and haven't told me?
Me: No no no...it's a spoken word three-way!
CC: Okay, explain please.
Me: I'm listening to an audio book and...
CC: Nerd alert!
Me: ....and there's a really graphic sex scene and I'm nervous someone is going to catch me listening to it and I'm starting to get turned on!
CC: Oh reaaallly?
Me: Well it's really sexy!
CC: Sooo, wanna meet up for lunch???
Me: OHMYGOD, NOW SHE'S GETTING IT FROM BOTH ENDS!
Old Gay Guy In My Office: Ohhh, you GO girl!
Me: I think I forgot to whisper that last part....

Is it possible to get fired for listening to porn?

Epic Photography Fail.

sigh

I love my kid.
But sometimes I really want to karate chop him.
Just a little bit.

It Only Took Me Two Weeks To Make These Masterpieces

I finally finished my personalized cards for all my giveaway winners. Yeah, it took me two weeks to make five cards. Shut up, you don't know me!

So I won't tell you what I wrote in each of them, because it is super awesome and for the winners eyes only and also I can't remember because I finished them last night at midnight and I was really tired and also kind of drunk.

But I did manage to get a picture of the front of each...

For Nikki

For Tracey



For Erin


For Little Miss Blogger

The last one is my favorite. Because of all the penises. It's for Courtney and it really has nothing to do with the gum that she won, but it has everything to do with the fact that I'm sending her one of my penis straws.


With any luck, the gum and the cards will be in the mail tomorrow.

Maybe Tuesday.

Possibly Wednesday.

For sure by Thursday.

Okay, definitely by Friday. Fuck, get off my back already!

Party In My Pants, Everybody's Coming.

A couple weeks ago I won a little somethin' somethin' over at Zipbag of Vagina Toys, I mean Bones. After winning, I received an email from some guy named Drew and he was all "Congratulations blah blah blah winning the bnaughty blah blah blah Eden Fantasys blah blah blah I have a weird shoe fetish blah blah blah"*.

So I wrote back to him and I was all "Who are you? blah blah blah how do you know I won a sex toy? blah blah blah sick perverted blogger stalker blah blah blah do patent leather mary jane's do anything for you?"

Drew wrote back and explained that he works for Eden Fantasys and since that is pretty much a dream job....hello, he's surrounded by triple clit flickers and anal lubes all day long...I decided he must be an okay guy. Or a sex addict. I'm fine with either.

Then Drew asked if I'd like to do some reviews for Eden Fantasys and I was all "My panties are wet just thinking about it" and then he didn't write back so I figured I really offended him but then I got an email from my mom and she was all "I hope you meant to send that information to your husband and not me" and then I realized I might have made a mistake, so I went ahead and emailed Drew again and this time I was all "Yes please." And then I tried calling my mom about ten times and it went straight to voicemail every time.

Weird.

So here I am, doing my first sexy time review. Get ready to tingle, people.

I received my bnaughty about four days after I won the giveaway, although it seemed like four weeks to me due to all the anticipation my private parts were feeling. Captain Carl called me at work and was all "Guess what came (hee hee) in the mail today?" and I was all "IS IT MY CLIT ROCKET????" and the Captain was all "Yeah, ummm...aren't you at work right now?" and that's when I realized I yelled the part about the clit and the rocket and my office was now completely silent except for the old gay guy in the corner who was all "Oh you GO girl!". It's amazing that I've managed to keep a job this long, honestly.

My first test drive with the bnaughty was a solo mission. Captain Carl was away for a couple of days, so out came (hee hee) the batteries and well...you know...some vibrating went on and things turned out very nicely for me. I involved the Captain the next go-round. I enjoyed not having to use my hands and he enjoyed having a remote control to play with. Seriously, what is it with men and remotes?

I would consider the bnaughty to be a gentle little vibrator....a very nice treat for your happy places. It also doubles as a hilarious microphone to sing "Let's Get It On" into when you are slightly tipsy after drinking three glasses of wine and trying to seduce your husband. I told Drew that they should totally put that in the description, but he was all "I'm not sure blah blah blah not really what we're trying to convey blah blah blah are your feet a size 8 or 9?"**

Oh, and they also carry my favorite vibrator on their website too. They call it a hitachi magic wand but I call it my "5 second orgasm-er". Every single time, ladies. Perfect when you want to get off and get on with it.

P.S. Drew told me he didn't need to read my review before I posted it. I bet he's totally regretting that decision right about now.

*I might have made this part up.
**I could have possible made this part up also.

I Just Figured She Really Likes Katy Perry

Have you ever looked back at a moment in your life after you've discovered new information and realized what you thought was going on really was something else? Whoa, I feel totally smart after reading that question back to myself. That's some well written shit, huh? I'm like some kind of sentence genius or something.

I had one of those moments not too long ago. Captain Carl and I have these friends that we used to hang out with all the time. Let's call them Lucy and Ricky. We become friends with this couple a few years ago when we figured out both of the husbands were computer nerds and both of the wives were photography nerds. We spent almost every weekend together. We'd cook, drink and play dominoes or trivial pursuit, taking turns hosting at our homes.

Lucy and I became very close friends separate from our husbands too. We took photography classes together, we went shopping and had lunch, we even had a business together for a short period of time. Lucy was very sweet to me....she never let me pay for lunch and she always volunteered to drive. But then things got a little weird with Lucy. She started getting upset with Captain Carl if he ever said anything to me that she thought wasn't nice. The Captain and I joke around a lot...we are mean to each other, but it's all in fun. Lucy knew this about us and she and Ricky are the same way. But she started telling me that he wasn't good enough for me, that he didn't treat me with respect and that I deserved better.

We started hanging out less and less with Ricky and Lucy and eventually our every weekend get-togethers turned into once every other month get-togethers. The Captain just blew it off when I told him the things Lucy said to me, saying not to worry about it because she has never liked him. That was news to me, so I asked him why.

The Captain: If I tell you, you have to promise not to say anything to Lucy.
Me: I promise!
The Captain: You also have to promise that you won't act weird around her.
Me: Why would I act weird?
The Captain: Because I know you and trust me, you'll want to act weird.
Me: Your mom acts weird.
The Captain: I don't think I should tell you.
Me: Don't make me cut you.
The Captain: I promised Ricky I wouldn't tell you.
Me: That's it, where's my shank?
The Captain: Okay, just promise.
Me: I already did!!
The Captain: Again!
Me: Bitch, I promise. Give it.
The Captain: Lucy has a crush on you.
Me: .......
The Captain: Okay, you can't make that face the next time you see her.
Me: What face?
The Captain: That pinchy face.
Me: I'm not pinchy. That's my thinking face.
The Captain: You are totally freaked out right now, aren't you?
Me: Ummm....no?
The Captain: You suck at lying.
Me: She told Ricky that she has a crush on me?
The Captain: Yeah, she told him she'd like to....
Me: Wait! Don't tell me what she'd like to do!
The Captain: *grinning* Okay, I'll just think about it then. *eyebrow waggle*
Me: What are you, 15 years old?
The Captain: I'm forever young, baby.
Me: Didn't Debbie Gibson sing a song about that?
The Captain: Huh?
Me: Oh wait, that was Electric Youth.
The Captain: *blink*
Me: So what does Ricky think of Lucy's crush?
The Captain: He thinks what I think....
Me: And that is???
The Captain: Our wives are gonna have hot lesbian sex!!
Me: Hmm.
The Captain: What?
Me: This explains why she kept playing "I Kissed A Girl" over and over in the car last week.

I'm Working On Them, I Swear!

Okay, so I'm totally slacking on the blogging side of my life. I swear I really am working on all my giveaway winners' cards...honest! I've had a string of new photography business in the last week, so I'm basically working two full-time jobs right now. So shut up about your stupid gum already, it'll get there when it gets there! Geesh.

I'm sorry I yelled at you. Please don't go! I promise I'll never do it again...even though you kind of deserved it.

I'm also working on my sex toy review...and I know you pervs can hardly wait for that.

What The World Needs Now Is Love. And Also Penis Straws.

Once upon a time, there was a woman named Kim. Kim had a blog, and she named that blog Yellow Trash Diaries. Kim was hilarious and she totally got over 100 followers because of how awesome she was and also because a nice lady at another blog that had something to do with your mom asked her legions (legions!) of followers to share the love over at Kim's blog. Kim also had some things in her possession that were magical and wonderful. Special, lovely somethings. And yet, Kim chose never to use these somethings. Instead, Kim kept the somethings hidden away in a closet, where they were forgotten about. Until one fateful day when Kim rediscovered the somethings and decided to bestow them upon the fair maiden, Miss Yvonne. And Miss Yvonne said that the somethings were good and the villagers rejoiced. The end.

Dudes! Kim has some penis straws and she's giving them to me. Just because I asked. And maybe also because I told her I would use them when the Kiddo's friends came over so I could do inappropriate things and embarrass 17 year old boys. Apparently Kim likes sick and deranged people. Yea for me!

I'm gonna suck the shit out of those bastards.

I promised Courtney over at Whiskey Girl that I would send her one so that we can have a contest to see who can suck the most. My vote is for Kurt's mom, but I think I'll be a strong second.

Get ready for a good ole fashioned suck-off, y'all!!

Who's Your Daddy? I'm Pretty Sure It's Not This Guy.

Captain Carl and I are sitting on the couch watching TV. My cat, Max, is sitting on the ottoman in front of us. Renty walks into the room...

Renty: (to Max) There's the wittle pwincess!
Me: *blink*
Renty: You are such a wittle pwincess! Yes you are!
Captain Carl: Oh yeah, she's so sweet I can hardly stand it.
Renty: You have green eyes, just like Daddy...I mean, just like me!
Me: *scared face*

Then Renty picks up Max's front legs and starts kissing the top of her head. Max is looking at me all "Don't just sit there, help me bitch!" but I'm all "Uh...ha ha haaaa?" because y'alll! I don't know if I should laugh or cry at this point. I guess since I wouldn't stop him, Max had to take matters into her own paws...

She coughed up a hairball.

It worked.

Renty let her go immediately and was all "She's quite the charmer, isn't she?" and Max was all "Charm this, kitty rapist" and then coughed up another one and then Renty just turned away and went back upstairs. We sat there in silence for about a minute. Then the Captain leaned over and whispered in my ear "Just like Daddy???".

Does anyone know the number for Cat Protective Services?

This Is Just Like The Oscars. Only Instead Of A Trophy, You Get Gum.

Tonight's the night, people! That's right, the moment some of you have been kind of interested in!

It's giveaway time!

Miss Yvonne makes her sexy giveaway face

I asked Emo if I could borrow his hat for the drawing and he got all nervous and was all "Why? Are you gonna do something to it? You're gonna do something to it, right?" and I was all "I don't knowwww !!" in a singsong voice and he was all "No one touches the hat" and then he popped his fangs in and left. So I'm using the Kiddo's mowing hat instead, which is a poor substitute and also a little smelly. Meh, whatever.

To make things even more exciting (chuh! like that would even be possible), I got the puke monsters to help me draw names.


Turns out cats really love giveaway drawings. Who knew?



So here are the five lucky winners, in order of how they were drawn out of the smelly hat....

Nikki at This Genius is Insane
Winner of the Juicy Mullet Gum
Frikkin' A Yeahhh!

Green-Eyed Momster
Winner of the Birth Control Gum
hee hee

Erin at Blogging is for Dorks
Winner of the Let's Pretend I Give A Shit Gum
I know you do, Erin

Courtney at Whiskey Girl
Winner of the Does This Gum Make My Ass Look Big? Gum
The answer is no, of course not

Little Ms Blogger at A Little Blog About Nothing
Winner of the Don't Have Ugly Children Gum
Ummm...good luck?

Congrats to all the winners! Send me an email with your real name and mailing address and I'll send your gum just as soon as I finish your personalized card. So yeah, you'll probably get it in about 3 weeks....or less. I'm all over this. Don't you even worry.

And thanks to everyone that entered. And as for all you losers...your name was probably the next to be drawn...too bad Max got a hold of it first.

Gods Masturbate, Right?

UPDATED to fix my incorrect use of an apostrophe in my blog title...you're welcome miss. chief. I'm coming over to your blog to karate chop you in the face now. I hope you're happy.

I'm just killing time up in here waiting for my awesome new clit massager to arrive in the mail. I've decided to fantasize about Cat the first time I use it, in honor of her giveaway that made it all possible. That's hot, right? Because she's a girl and I'm a girl and a girl-on-girl fantasy inside a girl's head is super sexy, especially when it's about going shopping together and ohmygod those shoes are super cute and maybe getting a pretzel at the mall and also french fries at McDonald's on our way home because we're sooo sooo naughty.

So guess what, y'all? I'm a god. Shut up, I am so! I so totally am. Nikki over at This Genius is Insane wrote a whole blog post about me being a god. I'm not capitalizing the word "god" because there's still a little bit of Lutheran still stuck in me, plus if my mom ever finds this blog (I will totally cut you if you tell her about it) I know the first thing she'll be upset about is all the swearing but the second thing will be that I called myself a capital G god. I did capitalize it in my blog title, but that's just because it's good grammar.

Nikki also gave me this award:

She created it just for me. All I can say is you're totally awesome and I love you and your blog and thanks for comparing me to chocolate covered strawberries eaten off of Johnny Depp's abdomen. Also why is that guy not sucking on one of those nipples in that room? Seriously, what a waste.

Two more days left to enter my giveaway, bitches!

Who Says Blogging Doesn't Pay Off? And By "Pay Off" I Mean "Get You Sex Toys".

So I'm pretty sure I'll draw winners for my mullet giveaway on Friday, unless something important comes up that night like I get invited to go swimming or I don't feel like it. There's still plenty of time to enter, so get on it!

And speaking of giveaway...I just won what is probably the best giveaway any bloggy girl can hope to win. I'll give you a hint. It's a sex toy.

I suck at hints, huh?

So anyway...hee heeeeeee, I won a sex toy over at Zipbag of Bones!! Y'all....just....holy shit. I'm so excited, my vagina is all a-quiver. I'm so excited, my eyes are already rolling back in my head. I'm so excited, my nipples could cut glass over here.

But now I feel even more lame because my giveaway prizes are not anything that can buzz you to orgasm. Unless you like rubbing Chiclets against your clitoris. In which case, what the hell is wrong with you and also does that really work because maybe I should try it before I send the winners their prizes?

Ha ha, just kidding. I'm totally kidding!

Maybe.

Enter The Mullet Giveaway Today!

I know y'all have been on the edge of your seats waiting to find out what kind of giveaway I'm having that involves a mullet. Well wait no more! Also, prepare to be disappointed!

I'm giving away gum.

Yep. Gum.

But hold up, don't get yer panties in a wad grandma. It's insulting and somewhat inappropriate gum!



I've got five boxes of it...therefore, there will be five winners!

Here's where the mullet comes in....

And then there are the others...

And because I'm so awesome and also because the gum is kind of small and I'm pretty sure the winners will be disappointed when they get it in the mail and they'll be all "That's it?", I'll also include a PERSONALIZED hand-made card for each winner. Just go over to this post and you'll see how lucky you'll be to get one of these bad boys with your gum. I'll be posting pics of each of the cards once they are completed...you know, so everyone can enjoy my amazing creations. I'm a giver like that.

So here's how to win....you get one entry just by leaving me a comment about why I'm so awesome. Just kidding, any old comment will do. Although it wouldn't hurt my feelings if you did happen to mention something about me being awesome.

You'll get a second entry if you link to my giveaway on your blog...be sure to email me with a link to your blog so I can add your entry.

I haven't decided on the exact day for picking winners yet...it'll be sometime next week. All winners will be drawn out of a hat...maybe I'll use Emo's hat if you're lucky...

Good luck, bitches!