Thursday, July 30, 2009

I Had No Idea Werewolves Were So Kinky

I've been at my day job for seven years now. I sit at a desk and type and write and try hard not to fall asleep. I have a point here and it is this: I am awesome. I have another point and it is that my job is boring.

But I've come up with a really good way to keep myself entertained while looking hard at work and also awake. I check out audio books at the library and listen to them all day. I get to work at 7:30am and by 8:00am I'm wearing my earbuds and listening to a story.

This week I've been listening to a book about a vampire hunter and vampires and werewolves and no it's not Twilight because I'm a grown woman and I don't read teen romance novels and I prefer more mature reading material and also I've already read it like four times.

So on Monday, I bring the cd's and put the first one in and I'm all listening and working and literally five minutes into the story, there's a three-way. For reals. Between a werewolf, a werepanther and a vampire hunter. And there's no warning at all that a big mystical creature/human sex scene is coming up. Nope, not one little hint. One minute the characters are sitting at the kitchen table talking about the werewolf's father dying and I'm all "Hmm, could be an interesting book. Let me just file this paperwork over here..." and then the lady reading the book is all "I lay across the kitchen table and spread my legs. Gary held my hands above my head while Larry ripped my shirt open" and I'm all "Wha????" and the lady is all "Gary pushed his throbbing member against my thigh" and that's when I ripped off my earbuds and looked around frantically to make sure nobody in the office could hear what I just heard.

I knew I had the earbuds on and I knew they were plugged into the computer. But when an unexpected spoken-word orgy breaks out in your cubicle, you get a little paranoid that maybe somehow everyone heard it. So I double checked that the jack thingy was plugged in all the way into the computer and then I started up the cd again and listened without the earbuds to make sure there was no way at all it could be heard by anyone else.

Once I decided it was safe to listen, I backed up the cd and started the chapter over again because hello! Miss Yvonne does not skip a sex scene. Especially a sex scene involving weremen named Gary and Larry. Who the hell names a werewolf Gary, anyway? Shouldn't he be named something like Constantine or Valentino or Dolf? And don't even get me started on Larry.

So there I am at 9:30am, sitting in my cubicle, staring at my computer pretending to be reading an important email....but actually listening to what was turning out to be a pretty hot description of a three-way. I felt dirty and naughty. So naturally I called Captain Carl....

Me: *whispering* Guess what I'm doing?
CC: Filing your TPS report?
Me: I'm listening to a three-way!
CC: Are you working in a brothel now and haven't told me?
Me: No no no...it's a spoken word three-way!
CC: Okay, explain please.
Me: I'm listening to an audio book and...
CC: Nerd alert!
Me: ....and there's a really graphic sex scene and I'm nervous someone is going to catch me listening to it and I'm starting to get turned on!
CC: Oh reaaallly?
Me: Well it's really sexy!
CC: Sooo, wanna meet up for lunch???
Me: OHMYGOD, NOW SHE'S GETTING IT FROM BOTH ENDS!
Old Gay Guy In My Office: Ohhh, you GO girl!

Me: I think I forgot to whisper that last part....

Is it possible to get fired for listening to porn?

38 comments:

Kim said...

Hahahahaha-- that would have been classic if the earbuds had come out of the jack and the sex scene had blasted through the office! I love this-- I guess that's why people are leaving YOU comments on MY blog. (Assholes.)

CatLadyLarew said...

Hilarious! Gary & Larry the Weremen. You sure know how to liven things up at work! (You weren't panting out loud, were you?)

Sincerely,
One of the Assholes who left you a comment on Kim's blog.

So, for a little equal time....

Kim, I think you're an awesome, creative, fantabulous mom!

Sincerely,
The Asshole who's now leaving comments for you on Miss Yvonne's blog.

Kurt said...

I didn't even know a werepanther was a thing. I would totally sign up for that. Because apparently they get put in impossible sexual situations that I could only dream of.

Also, I'm not sure what "Getting it in both ends" means for sure, but I'm guess it's got something to do with a vendetta.

Jules said...

Wow! I wonder if I can listen to audiobooks while I teach 5th grade.... THAT would rock!

I mean, I take teaching very seriously.

TrodoMcCracken said...

I'm not sure if you can get fired for listening to spoken word sex scenes but I'm pretty sure people can get fired for reading someones blog about spoken word sex scenes and dounble penetration.

Well, atleast that's what my HR rep says.

Cassie said...

LOL Are you reading something from the Anita Blake series by Laurell K. Hamilton? Because that TOTALLY sounds like her.

Lana said...

i'm glad it was the old queen who overheard you. he could probably teach gary and larry a few things.

miss. chief said...

i'm pretty sure we're reading/listening to the same book but i haven't gotten to any werepanther 3-ways yet.

something to look forward to!

sometimes i read those books on the bus and get extra paranoid that everybody is reading over my shoulder during those sexy parts

Miss Yvonne said...

Cassie: That is exactly what I'm listening to...that bitch is nasty!

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Nice! I'm a vampire and a werewolf so I know what you're talking about.
LOL!!
;)
I would have loved to hear that your earbuds were plugged into a speaker... That would be so cool if you were able to get the whole office horny!!

Jugs@@

Cassie said...

She IS nasty LOL. If you start at the beginning of the series it makes a lot more sense. There's actually no sex (or little sex) in the first 8 or 9 books but those are really good novels. Then she starts getting into all of these crazy sex things and the plot just goes to hell.

lustyreader said...

i thought it was LK Hamilton as well! i read the first 6 books and stopped because they were too gory, i wanted to push through to get to the really lusty ones, but the bloody-throat-ripped-out scenes were too much for me.

i read e-books at my desk on PDF's on my computer screen.

Imnotbenny said...

I think you made a new friend in the old gay guy that works with you.

Is this what women fantasize about? vampire/werewolf double teams? Cause I can't compete with that.

hiphophippie.com said...

I think werewolves really class up porn. They kind of make it science instead of smut. And that is my story and I'm sticking to it.

Logical Libby said...

I wonder what would happen if Barry the Swamp Monster showed up.

Nanodance said...

You know, your job doesn't really sound so bad. You get to listen to werewolf porn and then grab a quickie on your lunch break. Not a bad gig.

otherworldlyone said...

I don't know it it's possible... but I'm damn sure going to give it a try!

I type, write, and pretend to look busy at my work as well. Thank you for introducing me to a new form of 'business entertainment'.

Now, where can I find this werewolf porn...

Eternally Distracted said...

I have a really awful habit of listening to more than one thing and then writing down the thing that I shouldn't ... I hope people didn't get some very interesting three-way emails that day!!

beth said...

wow! that's just like real porn. usually in books there is always some complicated plot that they drag out before getting to the real stuff! i may be getting a few of her books for my 8 hour car trip tomorrow!

diane said...

I've heard people in the corporate world say they felt like they were getting it from both ends, it's like a bitter-work phrase or something. You're safe.

Little Ms Blogger said...

WTH is a werepanther? Is he better than a werewolf?

Hmmm...she's getting both ways, imagine the scratch marks on her...

I think you're okay listening to the porn audio,however, it crosses the line when you start self gratifying self in cube.

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My Husband Calls Me Weird said...

at my office, my boss would have asked me to turn it up. then again we are all a bunch a perverts.

nikki

April said...

Most of the time I like your blog...somedays it is in my reader right behind a really religious blog and I end up skimming and skipping you because it feels naughty. And because I read you at work. But today...oh goodness today...you had me giggling like a school girl. By the way, what's the book?

And my computer at work doesn't recognize when I plug headphones in. It just keeps on going though the external speakers. Bummer.

The Peach Tart said...

I'm surprised you didn't have to take your new toy to the ladies room.

erin said...

WHAT IS THIS BOOK!?

kate said...

What in the hell is a werepanther?! I'm going to cave and read "Twilight"...the plan is just to see what the hype is all about, but I forsee a manic vampire obsession looming in my near future.

Prosy said...

a werePAMTHER? what is that? I kind of love that they're named Gary and Larry, its kind of innocuous. No one at work cares that you wear headphones? Because that in itself is pretty awesome

Mandy's Kidding said...

A bunch of guys at my office were sitting around discussing Satyr porn, so I'm guessing your WerePorn would be appropriate in this environment.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I want my own old gay "You Go Girl" guy. Maybe a pull-string talking doll?

Miss Yvonne said...

The book is one by Laurell K. Hamilton. I forget which one. One of the last ones. That has vampires and werewolves and shit. Also they go to a hotel later in the book and have a four-way.

A FOUR-WAY PEOPLE.

Little Ms Blogger said...

And you were worried about Renter with your kitty...Okay, that was just wrong of me to say.

Dana's Brain said...

"Spoken word sex" just sounds weird to me. I mean do the narrators get all panty and stuff? Is there heavy breathing? Clearly I need to investigate further.

Zoe Right said...

I left you an award at my site- just to say how much I enjoy reading you- maybe this will help the muse. Your blog is on my- MUST READ EVERYDAY LIST- thanks
http://www.zoerights.blogspot.com/

Joanna Jenkins said...

Oh. My. Gawd!!!!! Miss Yvonne, you crack me up!
And, um, thanks for the book suggestion :-)

Harna said...

HAHA! Werewolf porn! That's too good not to share with co-workers. I would be flaunting it around...and I wonder why I don't have a job...

Organic Meatbag said...

Not much is ever said about Werewolves' throbbing members...and I suppose that is a wonderful thing...especially when they are named Gary... might as well have been named "Scrappy"...

Soda and Candy said...

Gary and LARRY? That is terrible.

The three way however, sounds pretty awesome.