Sunday, August 2, 2009

Keepin' It Real

Renty is starting to annoy me a little bit. It was inevitable, I suppose. When you live with someone long enough, their weird little quirks are bound to bother you after awhile. But I really didn't have any major complaints about Renty (besides the cat molesting) until he got laid off a couple weeks ago.

When he's working, Renty only makes coffee on the weekends. But while he was unemployed, he made it every single day, several times a day. Now, I love the smell of coffee. I don't drink it, but the smell is heavenly. My favorite aisle in the grocery store is the coffee aisle. However, Renty drinks Folgers. Which is probably great for the wallet, but it smells like hot tuna when it's brewing. The first weekday that he was not working, I came home from my job at 5pm and asked Captain Carl if he was making the dreaded tuna casserole. I hate tuna casserole. I hate anything that has heated tuna as an ingredient. Captain Carl just looked puzzled and said no.

It took me a few days to figure out where the fucking tuna smell was coming from. Every day I would search desperately to find what was causing it. I ran lemons through the disposal, I pulled everything out of the fridge, I dumped baking soda in the litter box and the washing machine. But I could still smell it.

Then one day I stayed home from work and noticed that whenever Renty started up the coffee pot bam! tuna. Nasty. Lucky for me, the smell goes away as soon as he turns it off.

But guess what? Renty never washes the coffee pot. NEVER EVER. And the coffee pot belongs to us, not him. So once a week, I get pissed off and angrily wash the dried hot tuna smell out of it while muttering to myself that it wouldn't kill him to buy decent coffee now that he's working again.

And then there are the drinking glasses. I've never seen one person use so many glasses in a day. One day he used five, all for water. Every time he came downstairs, he would put an empty glass on the counter, take a clean one and get a drink.

Oh and let me just mention the ice thing. Renty loves ice in his drinks. Especially when it's 1am and he decides he needs a glass of water. I've been woken up several times by him dumping ice into a glass in the middle of the night.

The man cannot do anything quietly. He slams the microwave door like it weighs 50 pounds. My office is on the other side of the kitchen wall and when he's in there banging around, I'm cringing from the noise.

His kids are the same way. His youngest runs around upstairs yelling "Dad! Hey Dad!" every five minutes. Last weekend I think I heard "Dad! Come on Dad! Spongebob! Dad! SPONGEBOB!!" about a hundred times.

But I still like Renty. You know why?
  • Because he calls his son "tiger" and sometimes when he's been drinking, he calls Captain Carl that too.
  • When we have drunk karaoke nights, he joins in and sing songs like "My Humps" and "Gold Digger". Let me tell you, there is nothing like a drunk white guy singing a Kanye song.
  • Speaking of "My Humps'...that's also his ringtone for his ex-wife.
  • He agreed to share his bathroom with the Kiddo because we needed his bathroom for our new renter, who would not take the room unless she got a private bathroom.
  • Whenever he meets the Kiddo in the hallway upstairs, my son is all "Hey man, what's up?" and Renty is all "Oh nothing, just keepin' it real" and I giggle every time.
P.S. Our new renter should be moving in today or tomorrow. She's almost 40, a librarian and hangs out with Emo. I shit you not.

P.P.S. Don't forget to keep it real, yo.


Beckie said...

I'm a new follower and have to say your blog is the most fabulous stuff I've read in a long time! I can't quit laughing and reading, you are great! I thought I was the only person who still used 'yo' while talking, LoL. I'm happy to know I'm not :)

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I hate tuna casserole too!

What are the chances that Renty will hook up with the book worm lady? Then they can share a room! Maybe she can get him off the Folgers too! That'd be awesome, huh?

I wonder what else she does with Emo!!


miss. chief said...

oh HELL NO! you tell that bitch that EMO IS MINE!!

Cassie said...

Um, why would a 40 year old librarian hang out with Emo? I can't wait to hear about her!

Anonymous said...

The 40 year old librarian hangs out with Emo? For real???

And GOD, it drives me NUTS when Hubby uses more than one glass a day. USE THE SAME GLASS!

But your reasons for liking him make him endearing!!

Chris said...

Glad you're keeping it real. Everybody is some degree of irritating when they live in your house. It sounds like you're about to have the real surreal house. Might be time to call VH1.

Kim said...


adrienne said...

i think your 'renty' is my boyfriend.

otherworldlyone said...

Boo tuna!

I wonder if the 40 year old librarian wears glasses on a chain, wooden earrings shaped like giraffes, and knee highs that are all stretched out and fall down around her ankles.

Can't wait to hear about this one.

Sweet Mama Jones said...

Keepin it real...totally reminds me of Chapelle "When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong", HA! =)

The Peach Tart said...

I'd throw out that Folgers. I draw the line at tuna smell.

Betsey Booms said...

That chick is smart to get her own bathroom.

Maybe you should gift him with a little aromatic blend, if you know what I mean.

And I know you don't.

Totally talking coffee.

Also? That ice thing pisses me off. When I need ice in the middle of the night I slide one cube at a time into my glass all thirsty ninja style.

People who are loud like that are selfish.

Him and his lovely lady lumps.

CatLadyLarew said...

Maybe you'll get lucky and Renty will start salivating over Marian the Librarian instead of molesting your cat. Can't wait to hear more!

CatLadyLarew said...

Maybe you'll get lucky and Renty will start salivating over Marian the Librarian instead of molesting your cat. Can't wait to hear more!

Miss Yvonne said...

CatLady: You totally figured out the name I'm giving the new renter! You must have crazy cat mind powers or something.

Kurt said...

I'll have a tuna mocha, hold the celery please. said...

"Tiger" is my new fav nickname. :)

Amber Dawn said...

Maybe she needs the private bath for her and Emo's toe licking sessions on accounta toe licking is totally what landed her Emo in the first place but depending on what he has done with his feet that day she needs quick access to the Listerine?

Joanna Jenkins said...

Folgers = Tuna Casserole YUCK, you poor thing!

Renty does sound like a cool guy.

Can't wait to hear about the new renter!


erin said...

Maybe I should rent out my basement to some random person, just for a karaoke partner.

I want to do karaoke so bad. Can you, Captain Carl and Renty come up to PA this weekend and hang out with me?

I asked nicely. So? The girls will be with their dad so there's like four extra beds...little tiny girly beds, but beds all the same.

Lindsey said...

What are you gonna name the new tenant?

I need to know.

Anonymous said...

I see Penis Straws in the near future.....

Prosy said...

I hate the smell of tuna so much, my old roommate gave me that as a gift: she didn't eat tuna in the apt. for a year, so I wouldn't have to smell that nasty rotting smell.

adrienne said...

yes, miss blog is all happy and warm , and yours is all dirty and nasty...

to everything there is a season, turn, turn, hearts, orange stars, yellow moons, green clovers...

my analyst says i'm too negative & bananas, so i'm going for the happy blog.

wish i were you!