You know what kind of fruit I love? Kiwi. I love me some kiwi. Kiwi is like the best fruit ever, next to really juicy watermelon. Sorry kiwi, but nothing beats a good watermelon. Other than that, kiwi is my fave.
You wanna know why I love kiwi so much? Too bad I'm telling you anyway, asshole. First of all, the color. A perfect kiwi is the most beautiful green on the planet. I want to paint my bedroom that color, except I already painted it awhile ago and I hate painting so it's not happening. Sorry kiwi. I love all those tiny little black seeds because when you bite into a piece of kiwi, you get a little crunchiness but not too much to make you be all "gross, kiwi's are so obnoxious with all these seeds!". And then there's the flavor. A little sweet and a little tart. sigh. Oh kiwi, you complete me.
But there is one thing I hate about kiwi. The skin. Damn that skin! It's all fuzzy and tough and I'm sorry but how the hell are you supposed to peel a kiwi, anyway? I use a knife and shave it off one side at a time, and by the time I'm done my hands are covered in kiwi juice and those yucky little fuzzy strings from the skin. And hello? you have to peel about 50 of them to get enough kiwi to satisfy your healthy fruit hunger. Are you even supposed to peel kiwi? I used to think that was the only way to eat them, but my mother-in-law told me recently that she just cuts off one end and eats it out of the skin with a spoon. Like the skin's a freaking bowl. Oh let me tell you, my world was rocked by this information. Rocked! Have I been eating kiwi the wrong way all these years? Am I some kind of fruit moron???
Hey, I was listening to the radio this morning and I heard a song called "Birthday Sex". I'm pretty sure this was the exact moment that I officially became old, because I just sat there for a minute with my mouth hanging open and then I shook my head a few times and thought to myself "These are the kind of lyrics that sell these days? Pitiful." Then I grabbed my walker and headed to the refrigerator to get another glass of prune juice.
Prunes. Gross, y'all. When I was in the hospital in college for fighting for my right to party too excessively*, they served me prune pudding at every meal. The first time they brought it, I thought it was chocolate chunk pudding so I was all "This is the best hospital ever!". Then I took a bite and guess what? Not chocolate chunk. Fuck you, prunes! You suck.
Anyway, so I texted Betsey, who probably wishes by now she'd never ever given me her cell number, and told her about the birthday sex song and how old I am (but still awesome and good in bed) and she was all "Me too....we are totally Golden Girls" and I was all "I call Blanche!" because Blanche was the slutty one and also said whatever came into her head which is something I do all the time. Just yesterday I was eating lunch with a couple of my co-workers and we were talking about internet dating and how you need to be careful not to tell them where you live at first, and for some reason I decided to say "I slept with my husband before he even knew my last name or where I lived" and then they stared at me in horror and I was all "What? I was being safe!".
And then Betsey was all "I call Rose!" and I was all "You are soooo Rose" and then she was all "old men love me!" and there might have been some other texts in between those two but I can't really remember because I kind of accidentally hit on her...I was all "duh, you're so cute!" and then I got a little worried that she would think I was trying to set it up to ask about having a sexy hotel sleepover this weekend or something, so I added "I mean that in a non-lesbian way" and she was all "LOL" and now she probably thinks I'm weird. I mean, I AM. Weird, that is. But not lesbian weird. I'm heterosexual weird. Maybe with a little bi-curious weird thrown in.
I just ate the last piece of kiwi....this post is so over.
*I was actually in the hospital for pleurisy, but the other sounds way cooler and also I totally DID fight for my right to party excessively all the time and holy shit! I just combined two awesome songs into one. You're welcome, Beastie Boys and Eddie Murphy.
On Becoming My Grandmother
4 months ago