Friday, August 28, 2009

Thank You For Being A Friend, Kiwi. Go To Hell, Prunes.

You know what kind of fruit I love? Kiwi. I love me some kiwi. Kiwi is like the best fruit ever, next to really juicy watermelon. Sorry kiwi, but nothing beats a good watermelon. Other than that, kiwi is my fave.

You wanna know why I love kiwi so much? Too bad I'm telling you anyway, asshole. First of all, the color. A perfect kiwi is the most beautiful green on the planet. I want to paint my bedroom that color, except I already painted it awhile ago and I hate painting so it's not happening. Sorry kiwi. I love all those tiny little black seeds because when you bite into a piece of kiwi, you get a little crunchiness but not too much to make you be all "gross, kiwi's are so obnoxious with all these seeds!". And then there's the flavor. A little sweet and a little tart. sigh. Oh kiwi, you complete me.

But there is one thing I hate about kiwi. The skin. Damn that skin! It's all fuzzy and tough and I'm sorry but how the hell are you supposed to peel a kiwi, anyway? I use a knife and shave it off one side at a time, and by the time I'm done my hands are covered in kiwi juice and those yucky little fuzzy strings from the skin. And hello? you have to peel about 50 of them to get enough kiwi to satisfy your healthy fruit hunger. Are you even supposed to peel kiwi? I used to think that was the only way to eat them, but my mother-in-law told me recently that she just cuts off one end and eats it out of the skin with a spoon. Like the skin's a freaking bowl. Oh let me tell you, my world was rocked by this information. Rocked! Have I been eating kiwi the wrong way all these years? Am I some kind of fruit moron???

Hey, I was listening to the radio this morning and I heard a song called "Birthday Sex". I'm pretty sure this was the exact moment that I officially became old, because I just sat there for a minute with my mouth hanging open and then I shook my head a few times and thought to myself "These are the kind of lyrics that sell these days? Pitiful." Then I grabbed my walker and headed to the refrigerator to get another glass of prune juice.

Prunes. Gross, y'all. When I was in the hospital in college for fighting for my right to party too excessively*, they served me prune pudding at every meal. The first time they brought it, I thought it was chocolate chunk pudding so I was all "This is the best hospital ever!". Then I took a bite and guess what? Not chocolate chunk. Fuck you, prunes! You suck.

Anyway, so I texted Betsey, who probably wishes by now she'd never ever given me her cell number, and told her about the birthday sex song and how old I am (but still awesome and good in bed) and she was all "Me too....we are totally Golden Girls" and I was all "I call Blanche!" because Blanche was the slutty one and also said whatever came into her head which is something I do all the time. Just yesterday I was eating lunch with a couple of my co-workers and we were talking about internet dating and how you need to be careful not to tell them where you live at first, and for some reason I decided to say "I slept with my husband before he even knew my last name or where I lived" and then they stared at me in horror and I was all "What? I was being safe!".

And then Betsey was all "I call Rose!" and I was all "You are soooo Rose" and then she was all "old men love me!" and there might have been some other texts in between those two but I can't really remember because I kind of accidentally hit on her...I was all "duh, you're so cute!" and then I got a little worried that she would think I was trying to set it up to ask about having a sexy hotel sleepover this weekend or something, so I added "I mean that in a non-lesbian way" and she was all "LOL" and now she probably thinks I'm weird. I mean, I AM. Weird, that is. But not lesbian weird. I'm heterosexual weird. Maybe with a little bi-curious weird thrown in.

I just ate the last piece of kiwi....this post is so over.

*I was actually in the hospital for pleurisy, but the other sounds way cooler and also I totally DID fight for my right to party excessively all the time and holy shit! I just combined two awesome songs into one. You're welcome, Beastie Boys and Eddie Murphy.

23 comments:

Courtney said...

And then one time at band camp.....

Joanna Jenkins said...

Seriously? Kiwi is good? I can't get past the nasty fuzzy skin to try it. And why doesn't kiwi come in a can of a jar like pineapple. That's a lot of work to eat too?

Thanks for a great Friday morning laugh Mama, I mean Blanche.

xo

Kim said...

Is excessive shitting good for clearing the lungs? I don't get the prune pudding.

Miss Yvonne said...

Courtney - I WISH

JJ - They should TOTALLY put kiwi in a can!

Kim - Extra points to you for knowing what kind of disease I had. No, I didn't catch it from having sex with a frat boy.

Tamis said...

I totally cut them in half and enjoy their tart goodness that way. Where have you been? Wasting valuable Kiwi eating time I say!

I like the first hospital story better--stick with that one!

uncouthheathen said...

You are fucking insane.

Also, Sophia was the one who mostly said whatever was on her mind regardless of how mean it was. That's why I call dibs on her.

I eat kiwi like it's a bowl, too...but it's never as good as when you peel and cut them.

Finally, prunes are disgusting stupid whores.

Mona Lott said...

Bwahahaha! My best friend is a HUGE GG fan, and she calls me Blanche all the time.

I never thought of eating a kiwi that way! -Of course, I usually only wrestle with them when I'm making a melon boat, and then I peel them with a carrot peeler. It works okay, but you have to rinse them which sucks because you don't wanna lose the juice. -But it's almost IMPOSSIBLE to cut yourself!!

Prosy said...

I love kiwis but peaches are better. You can scoop them out, but I like to peel them with a knife. Sure its messy, but it just makes it that much better in anticipation.

diane said...

One of us had too much coffee, you or me. Either you write really fast or I'm speed reading.
Count me in the kiwi bowl group. Are we counting?
I love prunes too, I just do. sorry.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Where to start? Okay, I always buy kiwis in pairs because they look like testicles to me.

I usually eat them with a knife too! Thanks for the spoon idea!

Didn't one of your girlfriends want to hook up with you? Maybe you shouldn't flirt with your friends. You're just too damn hot woman!

Jugs@@

sstahlberg said...

You know what, the song Birthday Sex, well the original "unedited" version of the song is called "First Date Sex", but apparently they wanted to tone it down for the radio. Obviously the message they are trying to send out is that sex on your birthday is A-OK, but sex on the first date, not so much... What about sex on your birthday on a first date?!!? HuH!? HUH!?

The Peach Tart said...

I love kiwi and prunes both. Prunes are good for detoxing the over abundance of alcohol from my system.

Jules said...

I agree with Prosy on this one. I'm going with the peach. But I do love the Beastie Boys!

Annabelle said...

I am Dorothy. No question.

And kiwi? The most underrated fruit ever but the news about the bowl could change everything.

Reading this made me hungry.

Lulu said...

yeah....between the kiwi talk and the lesbian texting....you are ON FIRE!!

My word verification is shlsi -

you....you...shlsi us.

just making my way said...

How can you NOT want to be Dorothy? Okay - she did have the worst caftans, but still!

I like kiwi. I think I give it about a seven on the fruit meter. It's not a "go to" fruit for me, but I wouldn't turn it down either.

Fuck prunes.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I fight for my right to party all the time of my life and I owe it all to you are the sunshine of my life goes on obladi obladahhhhh freak out! Le freak, tres chic works hard for the money for nothing and the chicks for free bird.

Nic said...

Hey! I just found your blog and I love it!

And I eat kiwis the same way as your mother in law. When I was reading the part about 'how do you peel a kiwi?' I was like, "You don't, you scoop it out like an egg!"

Amber Dawn said...

I will SO be buying kiwis tomorrow to try this bowl thing out on accounta I stopped eating kiwis cause it was too dammed difficult to peel and I ended up eating it like a wild monkey.......oh, did I seriously just type that....think I'll stop now

Lana said...

i think the kiwi skin cup way is weird!!! please tell me you didn't try it! i'm going to bug now picturing someone eating kiwi out of the skin with a spoon like that scene in the indiana jones movie where they eat chilled monkey brains.

sorry for bringing that up :(

Zoe Right said...

Miss Yvonne- You're a tease.You tease us with a Betsey and guess what unless we are in her super fancy secret club we don't get to play! >pout<

It's just like elementary school all over again.

otherworldlyone said...

Prunes...yuck.

I have avoided eating kiwi because of the weird skin...but now I must try the spoon thing.

Betsey Booms said...

I know you told me about the kiwi post, but I kind of didn't believe you.