Wednesday, December 30, 2009

He Finally Admitted It...Now With Even More P.S.'s!

I'm back, bitches!

The Captain and I were in New Orleans for five days, but he wouldn't let me announce it on the blog in case "some crazy ass follower comes to the house and breaks in and takes all your vibrators" even though I told him "I don't have that many vibrators to make it worth breaking in for". But I guess if you have no vibrators, getting even one would be kind of a Christmas miracle. And I suppose if you also stole my penis straws while you were there it would be kind of like the second coming. Heh Heh, I said "coming".

This just in. I'm probably going to hell.

Anyway, now I'm back and exhausted from all the walking and touristing and hurricane drinking. I'll have pictures for you soon from the trip, but I just had to tell y'all about something amazing that just happened this morning.

Captain Carl told me I am smarter than him. I believe his exact words were "I'm so glad you are smarter than me" and he was being totally serious. And now I'm in smartass heaven.

P.S. Carlos Spicy Weiner is still in doggie jail. The campaign continues....

P.P.S. I didn't get to meet Harry for lunch in NOLA after all. I asked Mike, our limo driver (yes, I said limo driver...jealous?) to drop me at his house on our way in from the airport and he was all "Who?" and I was all "You know...HCJ?" and he was all "Ummmm, I don't know him" and I was all "What???? How is that possible???" and he was all "I know where Brad Pitt lives though" and I was all "Well then take me to Brad's house so I can get directions to Harry's house" and he was all "Okay, hahahaa" and I was all "I'm not kidding, Mike" and he was all "Ummmm" and I was all "Seriously, you want this three dollar tip or not?" and then he put that little window thingy up between him and us and I ended up at the hotel and totally not at Brad's house and Mike probably had to explain to his wife why he couldn't put dinner on the table that night because he didn't get my huge tip. Heh heh...I said "huge tip".

P.P.P.S. I just realized some of my most favoritist bloggers have jumped on the Save Carlos campaign bandwagon. Go here, here, here and here to check out their blogs....because they are so awesome and talented and probably the best writers anywhere and also because they have a picture of a dog with the words "spicy" and "weiner" in his name. If you link up on your blog let me know and I will totally pimp you out over here. I'll be all "Where's my money, bitch?" and then slap you but then I'll hug you and send you back out to the streets with a little pat on the ass because I'm the pimp with a heart.

P.P.P.P.S. Okay, you people are kind of freaking me out with the Carlos thing. Check this out. And this. And this. Twitter people! Twitter! Why didn't I think of that before! If I don't get this motherfuckin' dog, I'm gonna be pissed off to infinity.

23 comments:

Mama Wheaton said...

How many is too many? Glad you had a good trip. Why are you smarter than Captain? Not that I'm questioning the statement, just wondering what brought him to the conclusion finally.

Logical Libby said...

My husband tells me I am the smartest person he knows all the time. Of course, he works with teenagers, so the pickings are slim.

Ed Adams said...

How Chivalrous of Captain to look out for your vibrator collection!

If only he cared as much for the real Weiner (Carlos) as the plastic ones, life would be a better dessert.

Also, Mike the limo guy totally screwed you out of your lunch with HCJ. What a douche. He's probably on the payroll.

Kurt said...

Lying about your feelings to secure blowjays...real original Captain Carl.<--Sarcasm.

Woo222 said...

Just discovered your blog and I'm in love. You crack me up! I'm off to scour your archives. ~Susan

Mona Lott said...

Well, he realizes you're superior intellect, it's just a matter of time before Spicy's in the house!

The Jules said...

Those big diesel powered vibrators are a regular target for unscrupulous pleasure thieves, so it's a legitimate concern.

Also, does the Captain's admission mean you married below yourself, like a romatic Arabian princess getting hitched to a
determined, ruggedly-good-looking-and-probably-secretly-royal-thus-negating-any-semblance-of-morality pauper?

Huh? Does it?

diane said...

Well, that explains a lot, because we totally broke into the wrong house, and tied up your clone, and we were all "give up the penis straws b*tch" and she was all "but, I like titty straws".

Soda and Candy said...

I need to work on the Spicy Wiener Campaign, don't I?

Save Carlos!!!

also this post was comedy gold.

Lindsay said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lindsay said...

The "where's my money bitch" reminded me of yet another Family Guy reference when Stewie beats up Brian b/c he owes him money. I totally pictured you having The Captain on the ground, grabbing him by his shirt collar and bloodying his nose. Tee hee.

Amanda said...

I'd like to know how you get a husband to admit you're smarter. That's something to be proud of!

Jules said...

1. Carlos has now been added to my site. I can't believe Captain Carl has bent by now. WTF?

2. Your limo driver sucked. How can he NOT know where Harry Connick Jr. lives??? Again, WTF?

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I can't believe there's a real live wiener dog in a pound and nobody's picked him up yet. Fine, I'll take him. I will. Stick him on a Greyhound.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Welcome home! Sounds like a fun trip AND a major compliment from the Captain-- Never let him forget you're smarter :-)

I'm cheering you on the the pooch. I hope he's free soon.

Happy 2010!

Mandy's Kidding said...

I'm paranoid like that too. I never mention I'm going out of town until I've come back.

Because you know, I have so many stalkers and legions of fans who want to rob my two bedroom townhouse and own a piece of me.

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit said...

Oooh a trip to New Orleans sounds wonderful!

I need hurricanes now!!! :D

Moooooog35 said...

A pimp with a heart?

I'm not sure that's a world I want to be a part of.

Sarah P said...

Is this a call for a #CarlosSpicyWeiner4MissYvonne campaign?

Because if so, I will answer that call.

You've inspired me to write about the poop I had to wipe out of my parents' dog's butt fur this morning.

mylittlebecky said...

so your vibrators are all present and accounted for? phew! aslo my brother LIVES in nola and *he* doesn't even know where harry lives. i was super disappointed. i mean, what does he do all day, right?

good luck with your spicy weiner.

miss. chief said...

I don't know why but when I read 'drinking hurricanes' i took it way too literally and was wondering if you were some kind of deity.
Fantastic

Soda and Candy said...

I dunno if you missed my other comment but I have joined the campaign! here.

Just.Kate said...

I'm not on twitter, but as a certifiable (yes) member of the UT Humane Society, NRDC, and Best Friend Animal Sanctuary, I've been pimping Carlos Spicy Weiner since Day 1 (or whatever day I actually read the blog).

Up top!

Oh, and I think everyone should get together and make a HCJ Day.