Monday, June 22, 2009

Please Don't Make Out With My Cat

Things are working out pretty well so far with Renty, our new roommate. He's around 40 years old, divorced, works normal hours and cleans up after himself. He's like the exact opposite of Eco Nazi. Renty has two kids that are 7 and 9 years old, and they come stay with us every other weekend. I was a bit nervous about that, because kids can be shits. Especially kids of recently divorced parents. They're all yelly and whiny. But so far, Renty's kids have been awesome. They are so cute and friendly, and his boy has this lisp that makes me want to squeeze him to death. But I won't, because I got in trouble the last time I did that.

There is one thing about Renty that is a bit disturbing. Renty loves my cat. I mean, he really LOVES my cat. Things started out normal when he moved in...he would pet Max whenever he saw her, but that was about it. Then about a week after he got here, he started calling her "princess". Then the baby talk started. "Hewo wittle pwincess! Who's a wittle pwincess? You are! That's wite, you are!"

But a few days ago, Renty did something that kind of freaked me out. He kissed my cat. Not on the lips, thank God. He kissed her on the head. But still! It's creepy, yo. Even Max is weirded out by it. He does it every time he sees her now. Luckily, I have The Claw ready at all times, just in case he goes for the lips.

Also, today I had to put Renty's underwear in the dryer because he left it in the washer. You know, I figured one of the perks of getting married was that I would only have to touch one man's underwear for the rest of my life. No more surprises, like when you were dating that one bartender and found out later that he wore g-strings...or like when you went out with that mechanic because you were going through your "it's what's on the inside that counts" phase and then it turned out his idea of clean underwear was turning the pair he wore yesterday inside out.

That shit better not happen again, because Miss Yvonne don't wash no cat molester's underwear. No sir.

23 comments:

Logical Libby said...

I just discovered a guy I went to high school with, who seemed totally normal, grew up to be a crazy cat lady. Seriously, he has eight of them, and posts videos of them on Facebook.

Maybe he knows your renter...

Courtney said...

AAAAAHHHHHH I say "No Sir" to my dog when he gets in trouble.

Tell freaky cat boy to leave your pussy alone!!!

The Peach Tart said...

that's a little unsettling

Mona Lott said...

*snicker* Um... Maybe they got divorced because the cat got in the way of their love?

Or... He's "in a weird place" and he needs to shower someone/something with affection, and your cat is just "lucky" like that?

Or he's totally gay.

Jules said...

I would have gotten the tongs out to move the underwear. Hells no!

Vic said...

Is there a "no cat in your bed, especially if it's mine" clause in your renter's contract? If not, I see trouble brewing...

Candice said...

I'm guessing I know why he's recently divorced.

I would have a problem with my hubby porking my cat as well.

Miss Yvonne said...

See, this is why I love you guys. You just go ahead and take my shit to a higher, more perverted level.

Hug it out, bitches!

Kim said...

I wouldn't act just yet, but be on the lookout for signs of unusual behaviour from your cat. Is your cat becoming withdrawn, not grooming him/herself anymore? Also, look for traces of cat litter on Renty's upper lip.

diane said...

I bet Renty's marriage didn't work out because he's a pussy. No one wants to sleep with a pussy-guy. His son's are probably immaculate conceptions.

Regarding the underwear: EWWWWWW!!

Little Ms Blogger said...

Don't be surprised if he brings home kitty clothes or a tiara for princess.

This guy clearly needs a date.

Last I knew, a cat is a poor substitute for pussy (okay, that was just wrong).

Kurt said...

I was going to make some kind of wacky comment about "kissing pussy" and it was bound to be hysterical but then I sneezed and got hungry and an old episode of M*A*S*H came on and Klinger was dressed as a woman!!! Hysterical.

Lana said...

if you want, i can loan you my monster to be max's bodyguard. that should stop renty from getting too close.

and you need to raise his rent now, call it an underwear surcharge.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

At least my mechanic husband doesn't make out with our dog or any of our animals, for that matter. He doesn't turn his underwear inside out either. That's a myth, Miss Yvonne!
Glad Renty's kids are okay. I wonder why he's divorced? LOL!!

Jugs@@

miss. chief said...

ooh, good thing i'm not your new renter.
i'm a cat kisser.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Oh Miss Yvonne.... I'd need surgical gloves to touch a cat kissing renter's undies. You are a great landlord~

Harna said...

Dude, don't touch the undies or you'll risk a skid mark sighting...there's just about nothing worse in the world...not even cat kissing.

TrodoMcCracken said...

Do you know what's funny? The other day I totally edited a picture so it wouldn't come up as Cat Porn but YOU GO AHEAD AND TALK ABOUT CAT PORN!

You really are my Blogging Mommy.

LiLu said...

That ain't right. Kisses on the forehead should be kept to fathers and daughters, and maybe the occasional Italian mother. But never, never should they go bestial.

Betsey Booms said...

Look, I'm totally sorry, now, upfront.

But if I ever meet your cat, I'm totally kissing that bitches head. IMMEDIATELY.

And then, we'll be all uncomfortable and weird, but then? Then, I'll lean in and kiss your head.

And you'll punch me.

No more awkward. Just like that.

Like a gut punch between bloggy friends.

Oh, I'll still, totally be in your town like the last week of August!

You wanna meet me, huh? Ha ha, I knew you would. With the cat kissing.

Sucker.

Lulu said...

OMG - you had to touch Renty McLuvsUrcat's underwear?!!

Did you use the tongs from your kitchen to move them while covering your face with a medical mask and then throw the tongs away?

jessica o said...

Hiya, stranger! We still need mad drinks. I got busy. I was french kissing and dry humping my neighbor's cat. :)

Have you seen my underwear?

Larew said...

That's why I prefer black construction paper cat silhouettes instead of real cats... plus you don't have to clean the kitty litter. Maybe next time you should just drop Renty's underwear there.... hopefully he'll get the hint.

Sincerely,
Cat Lady