Thursday, June 4, 2009

TMI Thursday: Yeast Ya Later!

TMI Thursday



I love this blog and I especially love Live It, Love It's TMI Thursdays. I decided to join in today. Lucky you. So without further achoo..... It's about to get all kinds of TMI up in here. Back slowly out of the room now if you don't want to read about my lady business maladies.

Still here? What kind of sick fucker are you, wanting to read about that??? You're gross. I think I love you. Call me!

I pretty much live my life in fear of getting a yeast infection. I got my first one in college after my dermatologist put me on antibiotics for acne. I started noticing on my walks to classes that I was a little, ummmmm.....itchy. That's not a cool feeling. Girls, back me up on this one. How do you take care of an itch like that in public? If you're a guy, you just reach down there and scratch it. Based on how many men I've seen do that, I guess it's just acceptable behavior for them. But not for a woman. Have you ever seen a woman do that? I have not, luckily for me because it would be yucky. I can't even stand to watch a girl pick her underwear out of her butt....and I HAVE actually done that, but only when I'm wearing my "None of my good underwear is clean and I'm down to the stretched out boy shorts that are saggy in the cheek area" panties. So it was okay. For me. Not for you. It's blech if you do it.

So things started out pretty mild for me that first time. A bit of an itch when I would walk longer distances, but that was about it. Then I started to get worried when it became a more constant itch and then it finally got so bad that I had to fight the constant urge to grind sandpaper against my coochie. What's really sad about this is that I didn't know what a yeast infection was. I was 20 years old and neither my mother nor my doctor had told me about them. Plus I had a boyfriend that I was pretty sure was cheating on me, so I worried that it might be an STD. So I called him and I was all "Hey, here's something weird...my cooter itches like a mofo. Any ideas?" and he was all "That's disgusting" and I was just about to yell "You did this to me! YOU'RE disgusting!" when I turned the page of the magazine I was looking at and saw an ad for yeast infection cream. It was like a sign from God or maybe from my inappropriate Aunt Donna who says things to me like "Make sure your doctor is only doing a breast exam and not feeling you up. If he pinches your nipples more than once, that's a bad sign." The magazine ad said something in big bold letters about extreme vulva itch being a symptom of a yeast infection. Which to me sounds like a great name for a game show. Join us to see if Jody can scratch her way to a million dollars, next time on Extreme Vulva Itch!

Anyway, I got all excited at the prospect of having a yeast infection because yea! no STD. I bounced off to the drug store and proudly bought the cream and smiled real big at the clerk because hi! I don't have an STD! And the clerk smiled back at me sweetly but I'm sure she was thinking good luck with your STD...you're not fooling anyone with that Vagisil, missy.

Fast forward to the present day and I am no longer happy about the yeast infections. I mean, seriously? It was like that first one back in college opened the door to dozens of others just like it. A yeast infection is like the extended family members that keep showing up at your house uninvited. Except not the fun family members. It's always creepy Uncle Mark who tells you to sit in his lap and reach into his pocket for a butterscotch candy. Or your cousin Tammy who always points out how much better her life is than yours and her four bratty kids that keep touching the candy dish your mom painted in ceramics class when you were a baby and then they break something and Tammy just laughs and says "oh kids, gotta love 'em!" and then you laugh too but then you kick her in the vagina so she can't shoot out anymore of those assholes. That is exactly what yeast infections are like.

And what the hell, yeast? Must you always show up at the first sign of stress in my life? Like it's not bad enough that the Captain is trying to find a job and we have idiot renters living in our house and my job sucks. Now you wanna move into my vagina and set up camp? Awesome. Also, thanks for coming on the same day my period starts because now I can't wear tampons because of you.

So now when I feel my little yeasty friend is about to show up, me and my poor itchy vagisaurus trudge off to the drug store, pick up the one-day cream because damned if I'm going to suffer through putting that shit up in the fun canal for three or seven days anymore, and then sigh when I realize the cashier is a 16 year old teenage boy. Hey life, go fuck yourself.

The only fun part about having a yeast infection is hanging out in the bathroom and waiting to insert the medication until the exact moment I hear Captain Carl walk in, so that I can see him freak out and scream "Wait! Bah!!! Ahhh! Gross!!" and then run out of the room. Hey Captain, that's for saying "Again?" when I told you I had a yeast infection and then insisting on calling it my "cooch funk".

23 comments:

Isabel Princes said...

Haha! Is it wrong that I actually enjoyed reading it? I think it is.

beth said...

scarily...this might be one of my most favoritist posts ever! love that you wait for the captain to walk in the bathroom. it's the little things, isn't it?
by the way...since my children saw your "claw" the other day, they have been walking around with colored pencils sticking between their fingers telling me they are wolverine (the ones doing it are 2, 2 and 3). i should just break down and buy them the real thing. poor deprived babies.
and...i live in fear of urinary tract infections.

TrodoMcCracken said...

Wow. I know you warned us and it's my fault that I kept reading but seriously? I'm goign to have to wash my eyes out now.

Also, bitch, add me to facebook!

Kate said...

I see your yeast infections and raise you roughly 8 million UTIs a year...worst. Things. Ever. I think that my last one was the best because when I went into the urgent care clinic, I had a male nurse who looked like a disgruntled Santa Clause talk to me about how a UTI "can't hurt THAT bad" (really?! I'm peeing blood and razors, yo. It's not pleasant) and vaginal discharges. Seriously? Because the fever, pain and agony aren't bad enough? I hope you and coochie funk get to feeling better!

miss. chief said...

i would wait in that store for hours until the kindly old grandma type showed up to work the cashier evening shift. seriously.

erin said...

I'm glad Max was hanging from my neck while I was reading this. She can't read (well, she pretends that she can't) but she was very confused by the photo.

Note to Self:
Don't read blogs while kids are in the room...you'd think I would have learned this by now.

diane said...

Yo, yeast lady! WTF is up with that photo? Gross, gross, gross! Reading your itchy cooch story was a breeze after getting over the trauma inflicted upon me by involuntary geriatric porn induced gagging.
Try Monistat, btw. Waaaaay better than using Vagisil. You can get coupons on the web for it too. Good luck with that. xo

TishTash said...

I hate that we're made to love yeasties because it's better than an STD. I also hate that we're made to love periods because it's better than a pregnancy.

It's a perverse world women live in.

LiLu said...

Insert 'UTI' for 'yeast infection' and 'excrutiating pain' for 'itch', and I could have written this.

The joys of being a woman... le sigh.

Jerrod said...

I'm going to miss eating freshly baked bread for a while.

Lusty Reader said...

hilarious story, but bittersweet since the horrors of these types of infections are dreaded by us all.

i especially loved this part: "and then you laugh too but then you kick her in the vagina so she can't shoot out anymore of those assholes. That is exactly what yeast infections are like."

C Lo said...

You inspired me to blog about my favorite yeastie cure. Garlic. I use it, I love it. Works like a charm!

mylittlebecky said...

damn frickin yeast! damn frickin birth control!

Mona Lott said...

"Hey life, go fuck yourself!"

Yup.

rachie! said...

you made me laugh tears.

pregnancy = yeast infection hell: almost symptom free until you notice GREEN COTTAGE CHEESE PANTS. WTF???

Hippo Brigade said...

This might just be the funniest thing I've ever read, and I've read some funny shit.

I got my first beasty yeasty when I was 18, because that's when I started doing the nasty, and my step-mom told me to blow the hair dryer in the vulvular direction on medium heat. Works wonders. You're welcome.

Lulu said...

Word verification says it all.....

sicksm.

Seriously.

But awesome.

♥Caroline♥ said...

I remember my first...i panicked thinking i had crabs!!! lol I was relieved to find out it was curable... :) thanks for sharing.

Coastal Nest. said...

fuckin-a..

Lindsay Champion said...

I CONSTANTLY fear getting UTIs. Like, I pretty much think I have one right now just because I typed "UTI."

lindsay || newyorkwords.net

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

UTIs are the effing WORST. EVER.

Kurt said...

This would have been better to have remained a mystery as far as I'm concerned.

Harna said...

HAHAHA! Hey, if you have to buy the cooch funk shit from the teenage boy cashier, you might as well make it worth your and his while. Next time, throw in some Magnums, suppositories, Depends, super plus tampons, Imodium and a big bottle of that lube that's apparently supposed to make your lady parts all tingly when you get it on. Best drug store purchase ever.