Monday, June 1, 2009

There's Nothing Scarier Than A Red-Eyed Emo

I bet that title totally hooked you, right? You're all "Please Miss Yvonne, tell me the story of the Red-Eyed Emo!" and you're all blinky and smiley with your chin resting in your hand and I'm all "Again? Now listen little missy/mister, I'm a very busy lady and I don't know if I have time for such things as story tellin'." Because I've been in Texas for 10 years now so I drop my g's off of my "ing" words. It's pretty much the law down here, plus I like to tell people that I "drop my g's off" because it sounds like I'm trippin' like a pimped-out gangsta, yo. But then you're all "Pretty please with sugar on top tell me the story?" and I'm all "Alright, I'll tell you the damn story. Now shut the hell up and get out of my lap, Miss Yvonne don't play that." and then someone hands me a mentoring award from out of nowhere because it's obvious that I love children and/or bloggers. I know that didn't make sense. Be quiet, I'm fixin' to tell a story.

I haven't blogged about Emo too much. He's the Kiddo's best friend and I really should talk about him more here because he practically lives at our house. Emo announces his arrival at our front door with a series of loud banging and vigorous ringing of the doorbell. We always know it's him and we always yell "Come in Emo" but he never walks right in because, in his words, he "doesn't want to be rude". Then he proceeds to walk directly to our refrigerator, where he starts digging around for something to drink or eat. Once he's finished whatever he found in there, he apologizes for taking it because that's how things are done in Emoworld.

Emo is obsessed with finding, again in his words, "true love". He's 17 years old, almost a senior in high school, and his biggest concern is being in love because apparently he is a girl. This is in direct contrast with the Kiddo, who's main concerns are getting laid and driving. Between the Kiddo and Captain Carl, poor Emo gets teased a lot at our house. Sometimes I wonder why he wants to be there, but then he'll say something like "I love it over here, you guys actually talk to me" and then I get sad and all gushy in my heart for Emo and that's usually when I tell him to stay for supper. And after a few minutes of telling me no thank you he doesn't want to mooch, he stays and eats and says thank you about 50 times. I seriously heart this kid.

So last night Emo showed up and promptly asked me if I had any contact solution. Emo does not wear contacts or even glasses. So rather than ask up front, I gave him the solution and waited for the show to start. As usual, Emo did not disappoint. He dragged the Kiddo into the bathroom with him and for about 15 minutes, all I heard was Emo yelling out "Ahhh! Dang it! Come on!" while the Kiddo laughed. Then they wander out to me and Emo asked me how to put in contacts. I asked why and he holds his finger out to me and on it I see a contact lens. A red contact lens. You know, the kind that make your eyes look all weird and scary and, well, emo. This didn't surprise me in the slightest, because last weekend Emo walked in and smiled at me and would you look at that? he had fangs. Again. So it was only a matter of time before he moved on to something else equally stupid.

Apparently he got the red contacts from "some guy at an anime convention" which sounds super safe and sanitary to me, so when he asked if I thought it would be okay for him to use them, I was all "go for it, dude!" and he was all "sweet, how?" and then I told him how I put my contacts in and then laughed at him while he tried some more. Eventually I had to act like a responsible parent and tell him to stop because his eye was getting all red and puffy. He listened to me, but as he was leaving later I saw he had put in his fangs. I guess fangs are better than nothing.

22 comments:

Logical Libby said...

Next thing he will be asking how to clean his nipple piercings.

I am glad you will be there to help. So, he will still have nipples in his 20's...

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I have to wonder why Emo hasn't found "true love!" He he he!! When I was a teenager, I was not into guys with fangs or red eyes.
When I read the title of your post, I read "There's Nothing Scarier Than A Red-Eyed Elmo" I swear I've seen too many Sesame Street episodes!!
I love Emo just the way he is. Tell him not to change a thing!!

Jugs!!
w.v. joyambaw
That's a biggie!

Joyful said...

So I guess I should be happy that my girl is only into the black nail polish and occasional funky necklace. I was a little worried the other day when I told her that her skin was so pale she looked like a vampire and her response was "thank you. vampires are beautiful".

Love your blog!

Vic said...

I was expecting a story about a bird. Like it was an alternate spelling of 'emu'. They have red eyes too.

That is a seriously fun kid for storytelling - more please.

Solanaceae said...

I heart Emo! He makes me smile and laugh. Okay, he mostly makes me laugh! Okay, it's really you telling Emo stories that makes me laugh but I still heart Emo!

jessica o said...

I'm really worried that my little girls are not going to grow into funny teenage boys who pull crazy shenanigans.

I love that a Green-Eyed Momster commented on "A Red-Eyed Emo".

Kristine said...

The title DID totally hook me, and I hopped up and down in my chair a bit as I clicked on your link.

Red (eye)balls never disappoint. Can I come eat at your house for supper?! I'll be in Texas in a year. Have a setting ready for me.

Dana's Brain said...

At first I thought that said "Red-Eyed ELMO" which I thought was odd since the Kiddo is maybe a little old for Sesame Street. Of course, I love it so I'm not judging or anything.

I just noticed Green-Eyed monster thought it was Elmo too. *sigh* I'm so unoriginal.

Emo sounds like a sweetie!

Lana said...

i love that he realized that 'fangs are better than nothing.'

i totally thought you were going to go with an albino emo story, but this is better because white hair, transluscent skin, and red eyes is weird.

erin said...

Awww! True Love? That kid just needs to get a blow job and he won't be thinking about 'true love' anymore.
I remember 17 year old boys very clearly...blow jobs beat love hands down.

Betsey Booms said...

Awww, I love Emo. My brother always had a kid like Emo hanging out at my parents house.

Poor little emo kids.

Kurt said...

Yay Repressed Homosexuality! Here's hoping he doesn't bite anyone before he figures it out.

He sounds like a great kid though. Seriously.

diane said...

When I read your story, I like to think of Emo as Elmo with the l dropped off. That way maybe he just wanted his eyes to match his fur, or wears fangs to show all of the other muppets just how gangsta he really is.
My word ver. is jacesse, which is how we say jack *ss up here in these parts.

Kate said...

I watched roughly 10 minutes of the MTV movie awards the other night and kept wondering who on earth it was that made these 'Twilight' weiners so famous...and now I know.

Amy Kate said...

I only hope and dream that my girls find friends like Emo to entertain me through the years. So far it is annoying kids that I could deal with with moms who are super-annoying twats. I can't wait til they can hang out with friends without me having to play nice with the mom.

Is it sad that I would've dated Emo in high school? Just briefly, then determining he's a total freaker, backed off completely with no notice to him? Not saying something similar happened, but, well, that kind of weirdness begs for abuse and bad breakups from girlfriends.

Amber Dawn said...

aaaaw sweet Emo! Next he will be slathering on gold body glitter so he can be like the Twilight Vampires. If so-I want pictures of the toe lickin' dog with a mouth full of glitter.

She Said said...

Emo rocks!

Aimee said...

Did you mention to him that perhaps the reason he's not finding true love is the fact that he's trying to look creepy? just a thought. hehe.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I was here yesterday, and I'm here now again because I love this post so bad.

Also, I want my own little Emo to love and squeeze and hug. It's even better that he comes with accessories.

Captain Carl said...

Ah EMO,

I really dig this kid, but I'm afraid he's going to marry the first girl that gives him a handy in the back of his Malibu. Fast forward 10 years and he'll be the next TLC sensation with his 8 half-emo kids and a bitchy, domineering wife, in dire need of a good orgasm and a hard spanking.... Did I mention what a "big" fan I am of Jon and Kate? One of Ms. Yvonne's favorite shows....lucky me.yee haw

Prosy said...

there was a girl in my high school that frequently wore horns. Do you think Emo is using fangs to cash in on this Twilight bonanza for his 'true love?'

beth said...

showing up at the party late, but i have to say i love emo, too and would totally tell him to stay for dinner. and i have to agree with erin about the bj. except, emo will probably think that means it is treu love and then be heartbroken when he finds out the girl is like the bj queen or something. also, i'm pretty sure that blow jobs beat love for men of all ages, not just 17 year olds.