Thursday, May 28, 2009

Get Out Already!

One of our renters is moving out this weekend. I haven't written much about Bambi, mainly because she's never there. The girl comes home every few days to feed her cat and then leaves again. She has no car, only the moped that she is not licensed to drive. So most of the time she has one of several young men drive her home and then wait for her while she showers and changes clothes. Why she even pays to have a room somewhere is beyond me, but I'll be eternally grateful to her for it.

We've only had two problems with Bambi....leaving the front door unlocked and not washing her dishes. Ever. The girl serious never washed a dish while she lived in our home. Luckily for me, she barely ever ate there so I only had to wash things for her a couple of times. Unlike her brother and his girlfriend, who have been living on Totino's pizza and ramen noodles for months now and really enjoy leaving their dirty dishes in the sink until they need to use them again the next day. I swear those two wait until I've just finished cleaning the kitchen to come down and cook. I get it all nice and sparkly and not 10 minutes later, they are in there making a mess. It's amazing how much of a mess they can make by just putting a pizza in the oven. My counter tops look like they made their own dough, flipped it in the air a few times, and then threw toppings in it's general direction. And don't even get me started on my pizza pans. My poor pizza pans will never be the same. They're all battle scarred and I know they'll have post-traumatic stress disorder once Eco and Kool Aid are gone. Every time someone reaches for one of them, they'll be all flinchy. All their non-stick is gone and their edges are sticky with something I can't scrub off anymore. I'll probably have to retire them to the great kitchen cabinet in the sky once their tormentors are gone.

Eco and Kool Aid are staying until June 9. Which really isn't that far away now, but it seems like forever to me. Their bathroom is disgusting and I can't even imagine how much scrubbing we will have to do to get it clean again. The carpet on my stairs will never be the same after their dirty shoes have tromped up and down them for four months. I can't even think about my poor mattress in their room....it was perfect before they moved in. I know it will not be now. I suppose the trade-off was worth it....the three of them paid our mortgage for a few months. But now that they've made their last payment to us, I just want them out so I can scrub their rooms from top to bottom and erase all traces of them.

So Bambi came home last night and she brought one of her boyfriends and few boxes with her. She was also wearing a ridiculously short mini-skirt that a girl with her thighs has no business wearing. So she walks up the stairs and I happen to glance her way and notice her ass is hanging out of her skirt. I'm sure Captain Carl will miss her just for that.

Here's the only thing I will miss about about our renters....specifically Eco Nazi....after they're gone: Eco has never been able to master our electric can opener, providing me with many moments of unintentional hilarity. Tuesday night he came down and grabbed a can of chili out of the pantry and I got all giddy because I knew what was coming next. So he stood at the counter and messed with the can opener for about 5 minutes. He was all click....click....whirrrrr......click....bang.....click....whirrrrr.....click and I was all tee-hee! and then he finally says to me "Ummmm, do you have, like, a regular can opener?" and I said all innocently "Why?" and he says "I can't figure this thing out" and I said "Just shove it under the top and the push down" and he says "I tried that, it's not working". I finally took pity on him and opened it for him in one try and he was all "Whoa, how did you DO that???" like I had just performed open-heart surgery on the kitchen counter or something similarly amazing. And that is the one thing I will miss. Because you can't fix stupid, but you can laugh and point at it to make yourself feel better.

P.S. We have a new renter moving in on June 1. He's older, divorced and has two boys that will be coming every other weekend for visits. I just hope he doesn't eat frozen pizza and likes a clean toilet.

18 comments:

Lana said...

i'm glad you found a new renter, this guy sounds promising.

and i still can't work an electric can opener either :(

Melsie said...

lmao @ "Because you can't fix stupid, but you can laugh and point at it to make yourself feel better."

it is SO true... and I try to be the one pointing as often as possible.

Vic said...

Keeping my fingers crossed that the man's boys aren't evil spawn. And that he doesn't know how to use a can opener either. Best of both worlds!

Mona Lott said...

YAY!!! I'm so glad you were able to find a new one before these weirdos even got out! I hope he'll be much cleaner with a side of duh:D

Nikki said...

I never laugh at stupid people because they rule the world. At least I never laugh to their faces.

Suburbia Steph said...

Nope, you sure can't fix stoopid!

Anna Russell said...

Laughing at stupid people is so much fun.

Set up the can opener to fly across the room when the new renter moves in (just remember not to use it yourself)

Dana's Brain said...

One of the few reasons I enjoy working where I do is that there are so many stupid people that walk through our doors. Laughing at them makes it juuuuust bearable.

Good luck with the new guy!

Kristine said...

I'm with Lana. I hate those electric bitches!

Traceytreasure said...

Maybe you can make them buy the bed from you? Then you could buy a new bed and you won't have to burn that on in your back yard?

I have my fingers crossed for you and the new renter!!

Hugs!!

Traceytreasure said...

s/b that one....
I'm still sick!! :(

Hugs!!

beth said...

ohhh...so sad for me. i can't work an electric can opener either. and my in laws love to watch me try.

Joanna Jenkins said...

I would love you as a landlord! Hope the new renters work out.

diane said...

Soooo glad for you that your renters are leaving, and that you found a replacement. Maybe his sons will be cute, that would be nice.

Kurt said...

Yeah. Because Men are notorious about keeping a clean toilet. You be better of digging a trench.

Captcha: amuff (*snicker*)

LiLu said...

"Because you can't fix stupid, but you can laugh and point at it to make yourself feel better."

Wise words, my dear. Wise words.

And I hope you got a deposit from these hooligans... I wouldn't give it back to them until that bathroom was SPOTLESS!

Tasha said...

I was cracking up and getting the heebie jeebies all at the same time. Brilliant. I think I can smell that bathroom from here...

Scandalous Housewife said...

Hope the divorced dad won't be entertaining too many lady friends! Although, it could be fab blog material.